it's crazy because i had seen it coming. and during the coming i had seen it leave, as well. isn't that such a funny phenomenon? when you see something come and see something leave? and then years ages weeks days months, all out of order. they pass and you forget and you remember and you lose the feeling in your limbs and in your throat and you don't want to scream anymore. not like that. you don't want anything to do with anything. blank pages lose their whiteness. everything fades until it blends and restores. and then things restore. and brighten. the sun. yellow. here it comes. words are spoken louder but there is no screaming. not like that. everything to do with everything. people never notice anything. it's really a funny thing when they have no idea. it's not hard to see once you open your eyes a bit. it's really easy. it really is. thick tred on my shoes. hey, i have fucking shoes. wondering how you've missed this place without even being there. missing something you've never had. it's a blessing. callouses on thy feet. yeah, they're there. on hearts and fingertips and eyelids but they're being softened. it's all being softened. you're being softened. but i'm being hardened. i am hardened. and then, a smile appears. it's the opposite of what you're thinking. it really is. reciprocated actions. strawberries. grass. new faces. a field. a dress. that look. a whole lotta looks. a new voice. many voices. together. everyone. it's such a wondering fucking feeling. it's not spring. no, it's summer. the essence.

i miss REALLY feeling important.

thank you, it's what i needed and what i felt,

sometimes i still wonder if you knew all along that you were water and i was a sponge.

wouldn't it be nice

i think i'll just type:

i'm really excited for this weekend because i can't wait to see how everything i've done (and everyone else, too) comes out. i really hope it's good. i really really do. i'm scared though as well becuase i heard i was being nominated and that shit just scares the fuck out of me.

i hate that. i hate that i hold myself back. but it's not even that. it's like my mind holds me back. how do you control something you can't control? it just doesn't make sense to me. i wish i had more public speaking skills. becuase if i did, i'd be all over any oppurunity i had to be the biggest leader. but i'm not because i just don't have the guts to get up in front of 70 people and talk like they were my best friends. it just doesn't work for me and i don't think it's ever going to. it's alright, i know, it just sucks.

i wish people were more open. i always want to tell people the little things i notice about them or about something that has to do with them. but if i did, for the most part, that'd be pretty creepy. i guess that defines the differences, though. i just want you to know i notice everything, read everything, care about everything. it's not worth saying because actions speak louder. and one day, youll see it better. i know it.

i also know exactly what needs to be done in order to spot the continuous and repetitious words that have come out, month after month. finally, i am admitting to it. but time is running out. it really is and i don't want to force it. i dont' even really want it but i know it is what will best suit me in the end and help me walk foward with the right attitude. i know i need to do it, i'm just still afraid. it's a good feeling though to wake up each morning and know you're learning to trust yourself more and more. i don't know how you did it so easily or quickly but i realize that everything gets better with time. it's a very slow and monotonous time but it's time in the least. and sometimes, even time well spent.

what to do when the sun isn't shining and the rain isn't pouring, you ask? well. that was hard to answer becuase that's where i am right now but know i'm going to escape from it sooner than i say. things stay for so long when you don't expect them to. the things you want to forget are the things you always remember, and vice versa. it's funny. it's really funny. and it all works out for the better. something better is going to come. i don't know what but it has to. everything is better than this. it's almost impossible to see below me, now. usually that's scary, but right now, it's breathtaking. life is weird.

i feel good. i got a hair cut and i got some clothes that i didn't think would be my style but they are my style which is saying something about the changes i am going through. positive changes. i'm so excited. let's hope this isn't one of those;

not being able to trust 90% of what is around you is really tiresome, ya know.

been

lying to myself for fucking ages.

maybe i should just stop trying, eh?

nobody

really talks to me anymore. all anyone ever says is lol, oh, yeah, or haha. i really don't think i'm that damn boring. what the hell.

we're like a team.

fuck
yes[:

i feel so empty. i can't believe this happened again.
8th time now i think. and 3 times as fucking hard.
damn, what the hell.