are you always sad? someone asked. (always is such a long, long time.) I couldn't say. But. If sadness was a sea, I would drown in it. (Salty and warm, sadness is). (cold too, somtimes.) and I happen to love the sea.

I wish I didn't constantly feel on the other side of things. On the outside. Like a floater. I wish I felt like I belonged to a group of people and I was a solidified person. It makes me upset that I am not. I don't want to be a floater, I like being in a group. I want to be in a group. I want people of the group to want me to be there. How do I get there?

the blood in my veins just began to run a little more quickly. this is fucking weird. I think I forgot I had this ability. shit.

maybe it isn't necessarily you, maybe the circumstance just lit up the fire again in the pit of my stomache that uncontrollably screams "TOUCH ME, TOUCH ME".

I hardly know you. I hardly know myself

It's been a long while since I felt lonely like this.

changing so much.

November 9th.

I know someone is a good writer when they can write about a woman's body and her sexual encounter(s) perfectly.

November 8th.

The hug I had given him was rather unexpected. I was cold but we were distant and still very much apart from each other. I don't know why he insisted on giving me a hug, but I would never chose to decline a hug, especially from someone like him. We held onto each other for a much longer, and tighter, period than I had expected and despite how off it was, it really did fill me up with a warmth that carried me the whole way home.

November 8th.

I had one of those really great cathartic laughs today. The ones in which you can feel the joy from the pit of your stomach all the way up to the edges of your lips. Oh my god, it felt so good. And to think I didn't even know the last names of the people sitting at the table with me.

November 7th.

The thing is that I allow myself to feel like a nothing and nobody has time for sadness.

November 10

go away. go away from me.

(what I really want to say is please take this away. take this away from me.)

November 7th.

It is a huge fantasy of mine to meet an intelligent and extremely cute but innocent boy at a barnes and nobles book store.

NOVEMBER 10

And if I could, I would outstretch my arms and allow you to fall right inside of them. And we would caress each other in a way that would make the surrounding air feel warm and light, absorbing the smells of each other's skin and the faded scents of our perfume from the days long adventures. No talking would be necessary, only the rhythmic sounds of our hearts beating in synchronized motions. The blood runs from my heart to my head to my feet and back again. Pulling away, I give a large smile. One that is bigger than I have given in months. I look up at the midnight stars and then back, once more, at your glowing eyes. There is no need for reassurance. I Am Alive.

this blog is no longer interesting.

THINGS TO BAKE

http://ht.ly/7wMLg

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/12/peppermint-patties.html

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/11/pumpkin-candy-cups.html

http://www.whatmegansmaking.com/2010/12/cookie-dough-truffles.html

http://www.doughmesstic.net/2010/12/14/creamy-homemade-peppermint-patties/

i'm gonna write one those really long about me type things again. stating everything i like and dislike and love and want and shit like that.

once all this econ shenanigans is over.

kinda funny but truth is that i have deemed this blog as negative, my tumblr as creative, and my physical journal that I actually write is as positive. but maybe I should merge them all into one? idk.

does everything need to be typed out and portrayed out loud? does everything need to be analysed and diluted? what if i decided not to notice? would i be happier then? would i? what is right? what is wrong? i wish someone would make the decisions for me, but at the end of the day this is my life. my choices. and all I can think about is the fact that you didn't even know what to say to me.

right now my life just feels like a sad fucking joke.

maybe it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it still does when someone says they will hit me up and then they never do. if you tell me that i will think we are going to hangout and when you don't then that means i stayed in for nothing....i know it shouldn't hurt my feelings but it does

I like the colors black, light pink, white, gray, red, and purple.

I really was so in love and so happy. I don't miss it, i'm just reading old posts and it's funny to me how much emotions some word formations can carry.

I almost missed it, I almost forgot.

when all you are is defenses and mechanisms that mesh together to turn the gears of your machinery. how am I supposed to know real from fake when fake has been around longer than real?

reality of the situation is that I definitely want your brother and not you.

whenever I leave my tv on when I am sleeping I have the weirdest dreams

"have you gone crazy? i need to know if you've gone crazy. seriously I mean that's something I need to know. are you crazy?"

"I am awake."

I am so bad at flirting because I suck at giving myself away. I feel like it's so naughty....wtf, should I just be open!?!?!?

how can others think so highly of me when I think so minimally of myself!?
it does not add uppppppppppp

I feel like I have no idea who I am, what I like, what makes me happy, or what I want.

how do I fix it?

I kind of feel like I should have been born in the 1950's. But only kind of.

I want to know why it feels so much better to post a status on facebook, where so many people can read it, than it does to create a blog post in which nobody reads it. hmm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bpdwwa7lsUI

not really sure if anyone looks at this what so ever, but if you are reading this, I love this song and you should listen to it. I almost forgot.

I like feet and ears and long nails and skinny legs and boney knees and books about erotica and memoirs and iced tea from dunkin donuts and cuddling with bare skinned legs and new friendships and that quick but strong gaze of two strangers who can feel the attraction and people that enjoy the rain because they get wet and being wet feels refreshing and being refreshed is what one longs for.

"Intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness"

"emptiness is loneliness and loneliness is cleanliness and cleanliness is godliness and god is empty, just like me."

Sometimes I analyze and over think life to the point where nothing feels real

I freak myself out

The whole shameful, suffocating, and horrible realization is the fact that I am nothing but a walking defense mechanism. What is supposed to just be a small part of ones character is something completely different for me and I feel as if nobody will ever understand that.

so many goals to be made. I can't wait for thanksgiving break to sort all of this out.

for every book I read or story or article or anything, I want to get atleast 1 quote from it.
Let the games begin: (currently reading Brief Interviews with Hideous Men by David Foster Wallace)