attracted to you and I don't know why.

attracted as in; getting excited when you walk in a room.

it is quite odd that a person only partially controls who they are attracted towards.

ahh, weird.

I want to climb a tree and spend the whole day in it until the sun goes does and I finish a book.

A brief overview of what I got from reading Into the Wild.

continuous thoughts of existentialism: have been feeling unsettled and uncomfortable with the way I am living my life. on the day I finished the book I received a rejection letter from Pitt. It just reiterated the feeling. I've been thinking about what the meaning of life really is and what steps I need ot take in order to get what I want while also acknowledging the fact that the world is completely open, even outside of the borders of conformity and security almost all of us are living within. We are born and raised to grow in an almost mechanized way, forgetting that not too long ago our ancestors had none of the industrialization and innovation we have today. at the root we are foragers. it is important to realize truth Vs. culturally born ideas.

and to top it off with quite possibly the most relevant quote of right now;


"existential carousel, spin!"

The Grey is one of the best movies. I want to watch it over and over

one of the best quotes i've ever read.

"So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more dangerous to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun."

— Chris McCandless

and to think that money is just another one of those man made concepts that fucks with your psych so much.... it's just so hard to conceptualize. what would we be without that? it's impossible to reverse ourselves back to the foragers we used to be. that in itself is just something that is hard to visualize. we are so industrialized, so mechanized and money-hungry that we forget how precious our lives are. we forget that there were once people living on this earth without the concept of money. people living without the concept of time except for the vague idea that sunlight is good for hunting and nighttime is good for sleeping. we are losing our roots as a race and allowing ourselves to become blinded my mere conceptual ideas of things that aren't even real!

I don't know where this hollow pit of emptiness is coming from but I really do not like it

at the end of the day, what is going to save us from common unhappiness, is a little bit of compassion.

The Hunger Games

I read the Hunger Games.

I thought it was pretty good. Very well written. I think what I liked most about it was the honesty of the characters, especially Katniss. She wasn't afraid to ask herself vital questions and admit when she was confused about her feelings. I also liked the book just because I liked the main character so much. She was feeble with her rations and very smart when it came to people and the motives behind their actions.

As far as story plot goes, the writer was very smart. It was very evenly paced throughout the whole book. She placed climaxes where they belonged and kept the readers attention at all points. There was never a dull moment. She also included that element of love which I think is so crucial in almost any book. It takes a back burner in this book, though, because Katniss's first and most important thoughts and feelings are about the will to survive.

Finally, I thought the plot was well constructed. There are a lot of underlying themes about how comptemporary mass media works and how it is focused, the abuse of power, and how totalitarian government regime and unequal distribution of wealth plays in. For a large part of the book I actually felt as if she was taking many subtle stabs at capitalism.

I liked the book but I wouldn't say it is next to appear on my top 5. It was engage but not a book I could never put down. I am in no way obsessed with it, I kind of just gave in to the conformity and read it. I never read Twilight or Harry Potter so I figured I should at least try one of these books that has a huge fan base. Maybe I over-hyped myself because so many people love it. I'm not sure. I mean it was a good book and there are a lot of good things to say about it, but i've read some better, more enticing and emotion-provoking books. Maybe the 2nd and 3rd will be a bit different.

//////////

I saw the Hunger Games movie.

Overall I thought the movie was okay. It was almost as good as the book but not as good because movies never are.

I thought the movie conveyed the book nicely but I ended up kind of hating that in the end it had to be pg 13. By having it be pg 13, so much of the physicality of the fighting scenes was brief, not well filmed, and did not fully convey what was said in the book.

While reading the book I really did get a sense that Katniss was suffering, hurting, and on the brink of serious dehydration and starvation. In the movie, it seemed like she wasn't even having to fight that hard. It seemed that everything came to her too easily and (unfortunately) at all the right times. I didn't like this about the movie. I noticed this about the book, too, but I think the book emphasized her struggles way more than the movie did. To put it lightly it seemed that the movie was a mere obstacle course or similar type of color war game instead of a fight-to-death competition. The main characters struggle was not prominent enough for it to really FULLY capture the viewer.

Although the movie wasn't terrible, I really do not regard it as something amazing. The plot is simple. After awhile I got bored of the plot. We got the point, people are going to die, and we knew how. I kept wishing for something to excite me but it never happened. Also, I sort of felt like the characters were trying a little bit too hard. Although they are good actors, throughout the whole movie I felt like they were being a bit too forceful to fit into their roles in the movie. It just didn't seem like true authentic acting.

I'd give the movie a 6.5 out of 10. The book received a 7-8 in my eyes. like I said about the book review, maybe the other books/movies will be better.

would it be bad if I got drunk alone? I think i'd be able to write a lot better....

what's more important, humor/comedic effect/goofiness or the ability to know someone well/have good conversation?

This is one big contradiction, unfinished. (COGNITIVE DISSONANCE)

In my quest for positivity, happiness, and utter disdain for pessimism, I have somehow allowed my brain to not over think or over analyze my surroundings or feelings. in an effort to keep at this mindset, because it seemed to be helping me with my upward sloping mindset, I have slightly lost the ability to express proper thoughts with the correct words.

I am unable to form sentences that do not come from utter truth. I simply cannot just sit here, typing away at a computer screen, believing that what I saw is the truth. Ultimately, what I say could really mean nothing. These words are just pixels on a computer screen of electrons buzzing around somehow. But more than that words need to become actions, and those actions need to come from the feelings that emanate and bounce off the sheer surface of the human being speaking.

intoxicated with the madness, i'm in love with my sadness

cognitive dissonance defines me.

I want to travel somewhere with a close friend who will always be there no matter what I do and dye my hair and act like a completely different person because nobody knows me. I want to learn french so I can do this

all episodes of sex in the city, boy meets world, hey arnold, and mad men.
finish all these boooooks
movies.

this whole blog is just a place to spill negative energy out into and makes me seem so unhappy, depressing, no fun to be around at all.
I don't really think that is the case.
This is out of context

why is it that we as humans are always searching for someone to complete us? why aren't we able to feel whole or complete alone?

WHY HAVENT I DONE ANYTHING I FUCKING SAID I WAS GOING TO. WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

oh my god I love Tool so much I can't get enough oh my god

I just have this feeling that a female would be able to turn my skin red and make me dive with her to the depths of the water. the problem is.... I don't know where to find her.

I live for nothing.
I am nothing.