"Without just one nest
a bird can call the world its home.
(life is your career)."

What is the obsession with wanting what's bad for us? Cognitive dissonance is everywhere and I've always known it.

All I have to show is not even tangible, just different feelings of drunken emotions for each street I've been down

night time is a blanket for things seen in daylight.
night time is a comfort
for the things that shine the most with the light from the moon.
think about it:
without night time how would we fall in love?
how would we learn how good it feels to hear our lover whisper our name?
how would you find your identity in the darkness?

You are the dirt underneath my finger nails and not too much more.

Who we are as people.

I have been reading a lot of articles online lately. While there are many about the newest movie out or the hottest start that just had her baby, I find myself more interested in the self help/empowerment reads. That's just the kind of person I am. And judging from the abundance of these types of articles, it seems that majority of 20-somethings, just like myself, have existential crisis as often as they change their underwear. This makes me feel no so alone. Thank god.

These articles I keep reading try to steer the reader into realizing who they are, what they like, and where they should go after they have realized these said attributes. But the problem is that each article is contradicting itself. One article tells me I am not my writing, I am not the art I create or the lyrics I write on my twitter or put up in my room. Another article tells me I am. The thing that's wrong with this is that I begin to choose the articles and the advice that I want, and disregard the rest. Sure, it's easy to accept that i'm not my horrible writings, and i'm not my fuck ups, and i'm not the way I dress. It is easy to believe I am not the negatives and is easy to believe I am the positives.

I chose to believe what I want to believe because it makes me happy and is easy to do. But there is a lot of flawed thinking in this. I realize that all of these people have been collectively giving me the wrong advice. The harsh reality is that I am simultaneously not the writing I create, the way I dress, or words I hang on my wall, because I am collectively all of these all wrapped into one. I am the mistakes I have made, the advice I give, the positive and negative aspects of my personality.

Although the negatives always seem to hold more weight than the positives, I need to realize and accept that this is a flawed way of thinking and that I should, instead, devote the same amount of energy and time that I do towards negative affirmations as I do towards the positive ones. If I put the same energy into believing I am all of the positive things about myself that I do believing I am the negatives, my life would be a lot fuller.

It is important to recognize that I am both the good and bad just like everybody else is. With the plus sides come the negatives and this is true for every person and every situation that has and ever will existed. It is crucial to self progression and self actualization to take a holistic point of view when assessing oneself instead of sticking to one sided realizations.

The main component of growing and realizing who you are though, is also realizing that at any given moment, upon any given day, one can change their entire being and their entire life. You are what you feed your head, and you are what you think about. In order to change into someone worth being, someone that feels good to show to others, light must be brought out from darkness and attention must be given to things that really hold true meaning. And if this happens, then you are guaranteed a life of richness.

I do more things in life because I feel I have to or should than because I actually whole heartedly want to.

there are numerous people who masturbate as a coping mechanism for loneliness.

a rant about sex

Idk it's just really annoying that sex has to be such a need in life. it wouldn't bother me as much obviously if I was more sexual but when I'm not having sex i rarely crave it. and when I do I'm fine with masturbation. like totally fine. I understand that sex is a good way to show feeling and stuff but it is annoying that a relationship that's sexual with no sex and an aactual sexual relationship with the same people can turn out differently just because sex is not involved. I just really dislike the socially constructed nature of sex and how prevalent it is and needed it seems to be in a relationship. and then if you're not sexual it's like you're weird or something. nobody gets it. but I don't get what the big idea is about sex. yeah I've had it with someone I was comfortable with and of course it felt good but Idk I don't sit around wishing I could fuck again. making out doesn't always make me want to jump onto someone's dick. sex just isn't really something I focus on because I feel like it blinds people so often to their true feelings which may be so much less or so much more than just thinking the other person is attractive. I wonder if I am biologically programmed to just have a slow labido in comparison to others around me or if perhaps this is a defense mechanism that I somehow have gained. I think it some ways it very well could be but given the fact that I could probably be in a relationship with someone for months and never have sex, just finger and blow jobs and shit, and be pretty much perfectly okay with that shows more than just defenses. Idk. I don't know how to describe it. there are people I've talked tto, friends of mine, who have had sex before and love love love it. they've had sex over 10 times in one day. they will have sex anytime anywhere. no shame or second thoughts. oh my God I just don't get it! one time takes so much energy out of me that I can't even think about what 10 times would be. hell no. I can't even imagine 3. I mean usually when I hve sex I'm self conscience about everything. if I'm on top I think the rolls on my tummy are unattractive. the slight cellulite in my legs show. I hate the way my long lips look like wings around a dick. there is no good explanation I just don't like how they look. I worry my arm pits smell or aren't shaved enough and I worry that I don't have a good enough angle that I'm not going fast enough or deep enough or good enough. it's just so overwhelming I can barely stand it. and then when the Guy flips me over I feel like I should be doing more Than just allowing him to missionary fuck me. no, I should take more control and be more sexual because that's what guys want. buttt I've had sex with someone where I was really thinking those things. and of course it was more enjoyable and less anxiety provoking because I know that person not only cared for me but tthought I was sexy. and I suppose I did genuinly believe it to be true. but I still would not regard sex as something profound or good enough to do 10 times in one day. and that isn't to say the person I was with when I was comfortable was bad because they weren't bad at all, quite the opposite actually, it is just the way I feel. and I thought maybe I'd feel different about sex with time, with different people, but I don't. even with people I'm comfortable with, even with people who I love or thought I loved in that particular moment, it is never the grand finale of fire works I expect it to be. after all, sex is absolutely everywhere and I understand the aesthetic value of sex but not the physical value. it just falls short for me. and I think a main reason I think about this so much and feel like it is a flaw is because I am in the minority. so often in the media, especially pop culture, in music videos and on blogs and celebrities twitters, women are so expected to be and act a certain way. personally I think it is gross because teenage boys watch pornos with girls encouraging guys to cum on their face and in their hair and other dirty gross places. and these same guys develop fantasies about sexual things they can do to women and then maybe they even start to expect women to be into those sexual things because they were/are so exposed to the pornographic mindset so often. but life is not a porno and I don't think many women like that kind of stuff. it really seems misogynist in my opinion. so anyways, now people have this expectation that a woman should be sexual and open to such things. and this bothers me because all over tumblr and in music and in today's culture teenage women are searching desperately to find their identities. and they to music on the radio and they see the things on the internet and start to think they should become bad bitches who like to fuck and like to fuck good and hard. and while there is nothing wrong with anybody enjoying sex to a large degree, I really find this stigma put on sexuality...that being horny frequently, taking control, "conquering the cock" is a real way to be truly a women. im just really not sure I agree with that. I think sexual identity is a part of being a women and acknowledging the power women have over men is vital in becoming a full women. but I don't think it makes a female any less of a woman if she does not have a supreme need or thirst for sex. I think succesfull and admirabke women are able to use their assets to the best of their abilities, plan goals for themselves and achieve them without the reliance of anyone else. sex is not involved in the true independence of a women, it is only identified with, and seemingly culturally attached to, the definition. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I really wanted to just get some kind of words out there about how I feel. I don't think I am probably nnot 100% right when I say things like this either bbecause everyone is different and experiences emotions differently. but speaking as a culture, Idk, that's just how I view things. maybe as I become more of a woman down the road I will feel differently about sex but so far not too much has changed. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

Even tho I know it is normal, I still feel like there is something wrong with me given the fact that I'm not as sexual as other people I know. I could probably be in a relationship with someone for months and never have sex and be okay with it.

Scenes from a college experience
Scenes from my bedroom
Scenes from a family camping trip
Scenes from driving drunk
Scenes from continous sexual encounters

Does it say something about my personality that I have been steadily reading a men's self help blog?

Things only get better with positive thinking, rationality, and the truth. If one of those aren't present than no positive change will occur.

Is it positive?
Is it rational?
Is it true?

There are things I must do that I am not doing.
If I really fucked this up for myself I have to change my attitude about everything.
I have to cherish the moments I have and make the best of my time.
I have to look at the good.
I have to eat better and work out everyday.
I have to tell people things, be open, and less inhibited.
I MUST SET GOALS FOR MYSELF
I need some kind of direction.
I need a purpose.

There are thinkers and there are feelers and there are those that think before they feel and feel before they think and idk which one most people are but I do know I sure as hell don't want t be a feeler right about now

A lone wooden bench in the middle of a field with unevenly cut grass and you go to sit on it but a bee stings you on the butt because there is a nest you cannot see underneath of it and you take it as a sign to not sit there alone, no come back when someone can join you peacefully except now the bee stings hurt as they brush against your newly ironed clothes making it hard to walk and\or breathe

I was\am always trying to discard of something I cannot even define

I need to practice something different that isn't this.

Everything I have to say but have no idea how to say it

I don't know how I got myself here but I desperately need something. I am sinking.

So many things are going wrong. I relive the night over and over in my head. Such a simple decision yet I couldn't make it. And that's what scares me the most about this whole thing. That I made the decision without having a clear reason as to why I wanted to. I did this to myself yet I need to rely and bring others down with me because I can't get up by myself. The first time was forgivable but this isn't. This is really, really, bad and there is no excuse and nobody to blame but myself.

I need to figure out why I am like this and where it is coming from. There is definitely a reason. Perhaps I am an alcoholic. I surely do have many qualities of one but I never wanted to admit it. I guess now I have to admit it. But to be honest, I'm not ready to just stop drinking. I am ready to stop putting myself in dangerous situations, but I don't want to stop drinking. I am not even 21 yet. Yet I allowed all of these things to happen to me. I allowed myself to turn my life upside down and taint every image I haven't even created for myself yet.

I know this is a result of negative thoughts and feelings. But I don't know where they are exactly rooted. There are many things that have happened and that have accumulated over the years to result in me being this way, but there is a deeper reason as to why I always drink and can't stop. Why I am afraid to show myself to others. Why I feel like there is nothing even to show.  It kills me to know what this is what I have become, in this present moment. It is heartbreaking to know that I could not do it by myself, not even a little bit. I have never become any less walled than I was before. In fact, I have become more guarded and isolated.

I am constantly living in a shell that I have created for myself. I keep people at insanely calculated distances because that is where they feel safe to me. That is where I feel safe in relevance to them. Nobody can hurt me in the shell. But the thing is that I can hurt myself. And I can hurt myself way more than anybody else can. By keeping people at suck controlled distance, no ones true colors are ever exposed. There is not one single person that has ever been able to fully let themselves be who they truly are around me ever since high school has ended. There are so many defense mechanisms that spill out of my pours that I can't even function.

The truth is that I align myself with a situation, and add alcohol to it so that I am less inhibited and so that I feel I can fit in without thinking too much. Alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy. And this is how I know I have a problem.

I don't know how to make and keep friends. This is because I feel like there is nothing inside of me. There are times where I don't know how to speak. Don't know what to say. I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room and I can't stop thinking. I can't stop blaming myself for being unable to deliver. I feel humorless, negative, pathetic. But when I drink I don't feel that way. I feel sexy and independent and capable of anything. I can talk a huge game about many things because I can bullshit and they can believe it. I can connect effortlessly and endlessly. There is a live body filling my chair, talking knowledgeably, happily laughing. There is me, delivering in ways I could never have delivered before. It is perfect and easy and I never want it to stop because it feels good to be in the regulated air and not suffocating in the hot hair above everybody's heads. But there are downsides too.  I can convince myself I want something, that it's completely right, when it's totally fucking wrong as well. I have a false perception of pride. I think alcohol is going to open me up but it's so counter productive. I drink alcohol to shield myself yet it's almost like it's the only thing that can make me feel butterflies for a second. The thing is though that every thought and feeling I have while drinking is fabricated with calculated disbelief. It is a bunch of denial.

So friends are given a false view. Because we are 20 and we like to drink. And when we aren't drinking the interaction is low because I don't know how to be anything else. I try to give myself to others in sober ways. I hangout with people sober of course but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Nothing is felt. I let people become vulnerable towards me, but I never am vulnerable towards them. And it's useless. It's pathetic because theyre the ones that deliver and I don't. Because feeling is never there. They could be the nicest person in the world. They could do anything for me. I could feel completely comfortably sexually with them. I could talk to them effortlessly because I know they wouldn't judge me. Yet, I feel nothing. It's fucking sickening. I don't want to hurt people who try to help me. I don't want to hurt people who deserve the greatest love in the world. I don't want to hurt people who I never intended on hurting.

I keep thinking I will meet people and something will be different. But nothing is different. Just because someone has facial hair and likes good music doesn't mean it's going to be different. Again, vulnerability sets in and it isn't on my part. And again I am hurting someone who does not deserve to be hurt. They just want to be saved, essentially. Except, I can't do that for them. I need to save myself and I am over here drowning.

My life is a mess and so am I. I don't know what I want to do with college. I want to go away but I feel I fucked that for myself. I want to find a purpose but I don't know what that is either. I don't want to keep going to school spending money for nothing if I don't know what I want to do. It's all just a fucking mess. School sucks, I don't know how to keep friends, and I don't know how to open myself or accept myself enough to be vulnerable enough to love. I need help.

I act like shit is good but nothing is good. I can't believe I put myself in this position so easily and so fucking effortlessly. I have so much shame and anger. I am supposed to be living my life easily and enjoying it. I am supposed to happy. But i've never really been happy. I've just continued to live in a world in which I convince myself i'm happy. I've never known true happiness. I don't know what it's like to live with passion, integrity, and purpose. I don't know how to be happy with myself without the use of isolation or alcohol. I just don't. And that makes me weak but I guess it'd make me weaker if I didn't know how to admit it.

It's funny though or rather ironic because I am the person I have continually ready about in books and watched in movies. I am that troubled person who searches desperately for years to find a reason or a way out. But one day they make it out okay. One day everything they have gone through and fought through is worth it because they end up happier and more knowledgeable than they would have been otherwise. Right? This happens, right? There is a reason behind this and there has GOT to be some sort of silver lining. Please say yes. Please say yes. I am begging you.

One day maybe I will be able to be at peace with who I am and what I do and stand for. I will be that spiritual girl I think I can be deep down. But it is going to take a lot of time and effort and energy. There are many hurdles I need to jump over because I can see the silver lining. and god, do I fucking hope there is a silver lining. I don't know what I would do if there wasn't.