I always forget which song by the Butthole Surfers I like, Alcohol or Strawberry. I think it subconcsciously means something

EVERYTHING I AM IS OKAY. EVERYTHING I SAY IS EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE IN THAT MOMENT. EVERYTHING I DO IS OKAY. I DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. I AM NOT LACKING. I AM FINE THE WAY I AM. SOMEONE WILL LOVE ME THE WAY I AM. EVENTUALLY I WILL BE ABLE TO PUT MY HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACE. OR ANYWHERE, FOR THAT MATTER. EVENTUALLY I WILL BE ABLE TO CARE FOR SOMEONE MORE THAN I COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED. FEAR WILL SUBSIDE. ACCEPTANCE WILL TAKE OVER. I AM OKAY AS I AM AND I CAN AND WILL BE LOVED. GOD DAMNIT.

Never settle for a guy who doesnt like foreplay and fucks you doggy style often. no way bro.

I am looking for comfort and I am not finding it. Am I looking in the wrong places? I cannot tell.

liquid rubber.
light me the fuck on fire.

WE LAUGH IN THE FACE OF LOVE BECAUSE NOBODY'S REALLY THERE, NOBODY'S REAL

I always say I want to fall in love to Minus the Bear.
but the problem with that is that once it happens
I will never be able to separate Minus the Bear and The Love.
and once The Love is over I will never be able to not
feel something sort of sad and nostalgic
like how the air feels on the first day of fall.

I am not sober and i don't want to be sober

Concert....soon....dont wanna go....ugh...

I wish eye contact could just express ones emotions on instant.
At the same time I do not.

I was sad
because someone I wanted to kiss
didn't want to kiss me back
but then he said
he MIGHT be an idiot
for not realizing
what he was doing

but he also said
he doesn't want to lead me on.
these are what one would call
mixed signals
and I think it's okay for now
because something is better than nothing

and I like that even in some
small sort of way
I feel something,
maybe.

"I love you so much, do me a favor baby don't reply, cause I can dish it out but I can't take it"

I am deeply sad

constantly search.
what is it that I am missing?

what you need from me you've got inside you.

PORNOGRAPHY AS A COPING MECHANISM

defense mechanisms, dissonance, and maladaptive behavior is believed to have burned in a fire. 

we believed that we burnt these hardened walls to the ground.

but once they were burned, the ashes filled the air.

and the air filled our noses which filtered through to our lungs.

and there we were,  breathing in the same dirty air

just as we always had done.

like it was nothing but a sunny day.

"Defenses against intimacy were almost always arrested or vestigial survival mechanisms; they had, at one point, been appropriate and had serves to shield an otherwise defenseless childhood psyche against unbearable trauma, but in nearly all cases these mechanisms became inappropriately imprinted and outlived their purpose, and now “in adulthood”, ironically, caused a great deal more trauma and pain than they prevented."

Alcoholism is a self fulfilling prophecy that is false. Addiction and abuse are different.

I don't think I know how to be happy in life. I always have to create a problem for myself. Something always has to go wrong. WHY?

I am salty as fuck that Mike is going to a SPA party and i'm not...