relationships don't save you.

YOU save you.

i'm afraid of what my heart can do.

"ships are safe at harbor but that is not what they are made for."

something I need to realize is that life is a continuum. Life is constantly changing. yes, i've felt happier in the past few months than I have in my whole life, but just because that isn't always constant doesn't mean i'm doing something wrong. I really need to realize this.

I catch myself feeling like all my hard work, all the good feelings that I felt previously and wanted to capture in my hand, is all gone just because of one thing that happened, just because of stress.

I'm feeling like my anxious negative self, and have for the past week. I don't want this to stick with me. So I tell myself that emotions are fleeting and they are not definitive. Everything that I judge as negative feels like it defines me, but everybody says it doesn't. and then I get incredibly confused. I feel so passionless in an immensely passionate world and it is a serious upset to me. I let it define me. and some people say it doesn't matter. but I don't even understand what actually DOES matter in life then?

If your passions (or lack there of) don't matter, then what actually makes a person up? like yeah, we could die tomorrow and and all that stuff, but it's an honestly REAL assumption that one could think "shit! I wish I was more passionate throughout my life".

I guess maybe it isn't worth it to think about it so much, as it is to just explore the world to find out what i'm passionate about. I do try to make myself cultured and well rounded. I mean, I am trying, it's not like I don't try. The problem is that nothing is ever going to be enough. Because life is always changing. Because I am always changing and there will always be something else to explore, learn, or feel like I need to be doing. We never reach a point where we are finalized forever and we stay that way until we die. I think maybe sometimes I have that idea, as if self actualization is something completely solidified and you turn into a specific person who a specific set of passions and morals and behaviors that never change. But that's clearly so false.

I have two sides of my brain and they are both competing with each other, especially when it involves negativity like this and the lifeline I should or should not give it. And I just want these things to wash out of me as easily as they filtered in. And I want to be able to hold and understand my happy place in the middle of my being so I can always go back there when I need to. So I can always be centered when I need to.

This is a process. It's okay to be not be happy 100% of the time. Nobody is happy that often. I need to remember that.

This too shall pass.

 I think there just comes a point in your life where you realize everything you are, definitively. The things about you that you can't and SHOULDN'T apologize for. And those are, in turn, the reasons and the things that people end up loving about you.

fuck.

"Katherine knew that there was something about me that was not wholesome in the sense of wholesome is as wholesome does. i was drawn to all the wrong things: I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn't have a god, politics, ideas, ideals. I was settled into nothingness; a king of non-being, and I accepted it. It didn't make for an interesting person. I didn't want to be interesting, it was too hard. What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in, and to be left alone."

Life gives you exactly what you need in each moment. Life never gives you more than you can handle.

PLEASE DON'T TELL ME WHAT I DON'T WANT TO HEAR

(JUST CAUSE YOU FEEL IT, DOESN'T MEAN IT'S THERE)??????

The fact that there are cotton candy flavored/smelling perfumes in existence in the world and that make enough profit to continue on selling makes me sick. why the FUCK would someone want to smell like cotton candy? same with those stupid cotton candy grapes. I want my grapes to taste like grapes, not like shitty overly sweet cotton candy.

They make the same shit also in like bubble gum flavor and even like root beer. What are we, 14 year olds??

I really don't understand people.

The Case of the Introverted Leader:

~words go here!~

my favorite part of every story is when the main character describes what it is like to meet someone they really love/care about. they give so much attention to detail regarding what the person is wearing, what their body movement is like, how they smell, what they say. it's fucking beautiful.

once I start I never want to stop.

I really want to understand Miranda July's books but I just don't..,

"the heart isn't a box that gets filled up, it expands the more you love"

"Lead your weak cells to oxygen, and sew your skin to bone."

The things I fear the most are the things that I need the most. They're the uncertainties I need to face head on, tackle, drown under. They are the things that I need to stop fighting and instead, surrender to.

Surrendering to a fear is a strength. You're not giving up, you're giving up the fight. You're giving up the resistance. It is a strength. The realization that this line of tension is narrow, hard to walk on. And as scary as it might be, to just release yourself, let go, and dive in, it actually isn't so bad. All those fears and thoughts and comments you had in your head. They never happen. They dissapear. Instead of finding life, they completely lose their breath. And you're kind of left with this open space that you don't really know what to do with because it's not what you were expecting. And you think, if it was what you were expecting, you would have done this awhile ago. You would have given in, stop trying to be better than everything you're resisting.

You look at people like theyre better than you. You look at their pictures from the parties they went to this evening, and you wish you had as many friends as them. You wish you had straight white teeth and a good set of boobs. You wish you fit in. You wish you were as happy as them.
But you don't know what goes on inside these people. You don't know what it's like to live their everyday life. The small moments of each and everyday. You don't know how it feels to live inside their heads. And it's ironic because you think so highly of them. You wish you were like them. But deep inside of these people, theyre struggling just like you are. Theyre wishing for someone to hug them until the hurt drips out of their pours and onto the ground. They are wishing to forget.

Even as much as someone can sympathize and empathize with another person, they will never truly understand. A naturally skinny tall girl will not know the struggles of finding pants that a medium sized short girl does. She might be able to imagine, but she will never true understand. Someone that can walk into a room without knowing anyone and be the life of the party, but who struggled with anxiety about work, will never know the nature of their worth to someone who struggles with both walking into a room confidently and feeling like they're good enough at their job. It's about the little things. The things you do well that other people lack. The things that make you float on water, you'd drown without them. People don't realize some of their best qualities. They don't believe or see that theyre beautiful. People don't see their intricate nature. They don't see how articulate they are, and how great it is to be that way. They don't see how much caring about someone actually means. They don't realize how much better it feels to care (even if the person doesn't care back) then being unable to feel.  People don't realize their social nuances, and how masterful they are at maneuvering the area in between the silence. People don't realize the sunlight that radiates from their face them they smile to themselves about something they're thinking in their head. They don't realize the ease at which conversation comes, because they have such natural open energy. People don't realize the natural passion they are born with, compared to those without it. People don't realize how lucky they are to be guided by something bigger then themselves that they really had no control over. They don't realize how lucky they are to be born with a tangible love. People that are skinny but think theyre fat don't realize how skinny and beautiful they are naturally. People that are heavy and think theyre ugly don't realize how beautiful they are naturally. People that wear too much make up on their face when they don't even have pimples, even if they did, don't understand the beauty they were born with. Some people don't understand the level of complexity their thoughts are even from a shallow stand point. Some people don't understand the vastness of their heart, and the amazing ability they possess in them to love without needing a reason, they just have it in them to do so.

I cannot tell if drowning is good or bad. I use the reference in writing very often. But it depends on the context. I want to drown in love. In a good way. In the only way I know how. But I don't want to drown in insecurity. I don't want to drown in negativity.

Life comes at you patiently. Life comes at you impatiently. Sometimes, at 3AM you get a hunch to message someone you haven't talked to in awhile. Don't question it. You don't think twice. And sometimes that same person just so happens to be going to Penn State the the weekend you go home & return early. And this person just so happens to be someone who somehow is aligning with the views and morals and weird, overly loud, guitar riffs you like to spew from your computer speakers. And this person, really, is just a ball of potential you are trying not to break. This person is an expanse of nature, that is begging you to make it sustainable. This person is bearded. Not skinny but not fat, literally the perfect in between. This person has the cutest smile, and a great heart, and a great love for some of the same vibrations I do (music). This person wants to change the world. This person wants to make others smile. He can be a ray of sunshine in a room, even if he feels like a dark cloud. I just know it. This person wears his heart easily on his sleeve. This person trusts easily. This person has pain I still don't know about. This person drinks to no longer feel this pain. This person researches common controversial topics on his own. He is extremely culturally smart, and scientifically as well. Well rounded. This person has anxiety at night, if only he could see his potential. This person is scaring me in the way I feel I don't know if I compare. This person is scaring me because I fear the day he will decide he no longer likes me.


But what is a relationship? A relationship is a friendship is attraction. A relationship is a connection. A body connection and a mind connection. It is wanting similar things in life. It is being there for each other. It is being open, honest, and understanding. It is sharing the same atmospheres, the same experiences. Like fall hay rides, Christmas light exhibits, walks in the snow, a new years kiss after a little too much whiskey. A relationship is open. It is showing someone who you are. It is talking in weird voices. It is vulnerability. It is building each other up when the rest of the world seems to be pushing you down. It is constantly support but also that little push of motivation you sometimes need. It is someone to eat pizza and watch netflix with. It is someone to cook for. It is someone to get drunk with. It is someone who will touch your feet. It is someone who will kiss you in the right places. And not because they've done it before but because you told them exactly how you like it, like you've never told anyone else before. It is comfort. It is pushing through the discomfort. It is exploring the boundaries. It is growing together so you can also grow separate. It is creating new memories where old memories once were. It is going new places together. It is nice dinner at new restaurants. It is nice dinner at familiar places.  It is a chance to touch the sky. It is a chance to stumble on the ground. It is a risk. It is sleeping with your eyes open. It is caution. It is surprises. It is new colors. It is the same familiar blanket, with a different smell underneath. It is smiles. It is stinky morning breath. It is butt-sweat wet boxer briefs. It is the absence of boxer briefs. It is the mixing of energies.

Some people feels things so deeply while others feel things on the surface. And I wonder why this is. I wonder why some people with great potential never strive to their truest form. I wonder why some people fall short. I wonder why some people heal easily from long relationships, while some people, even years later, cannot stop thinking about it. I wonder how some people are so externally lovable, so easily, and so soon. Doesn't their skin feel weird? Doesn't their protective layer of plastic skin wrap tightly around them? Maybe they don't have plastic skin. Some people just glide through life, allowing themselves to feel things easily, to let thoughts run through them without defining them. They are a stable core. They are a constant.

There is beauty in everything, you just have to look.

someone how I started listening to this band called Salem's Pot. although I might not know what is happening, this music is intense.

random pet peezes of mine that don't make too much sense

-when people wear sneakers and jeans (this is me #1 pet peeve)
-when someone doesn't erase a chalk board all the way.
-when it's raining and my wiper blades are on and I go to turn my car off and they are stopped -halfway through the cycle, in the middle of the windshield. I hate when I see this on other people's cars too.
-certain people's voices really bother me, especially woman with slightly masculine voices or people anunciate their words wayyyy too much.

random musings bc I don't want to lose the moment

I don't know exactly why this is or what happened to cause it but I can literally feel my heart swelling. I can feel my lungs expand, preparing to take in new and fresh air. a different perspective.  a change of scenery.

i feel closer to personal comfort than i've ever felt in my whole life. and somehow, In a way in which I cannot explain, things are falling into place in a true way that matters.

Energy immited is the determining factor in every single interaction, situation, experience. Give the wrong energy out to the universe at the wrong time, and its axis tips off center. your axis tips, you tilt, and that's how you get lost. channeling the tense nature of anxiety, internalizing it in a way that's useful, and then spewing that same energy back out into the universe in a way that's easy to filter and sit with is truely how to remain open and positive.

And a lot can be said from that. A lot happens when you allow yourself to truely just feel emotions without the judgement that can sometimes come along with them. just because you feel insecure within yourself at a given moment doesn't mean that you actually 'should" or need to be define yourself as insecure. A moment of insecurity does not define you as an insecure person. A month of insecurity doesn't, either. It is crucial to allow yourself to feel but to not let these feelings define who you are deep inside.

When you're young you internalize emotions and situations in negative ways. You disect them and think about them non stop until it sickens you. And worst of all you think of ways in which this situation is true and how it defines all the negative things you have to say abiout yourself. But the fact is that just one instance isn't really a definitive factor of who you are.

We are a soul at our core and it takes time to figure out how to express our thoughts and views onto the world. it takes time to fit comfortably into our skin, to emit the emergy you want to emit, to be open enough to receive the same energy back. It's hard, it's a process, it's not easy, but it's absolutely and totally fucking worth it.

I think about the ways in which my heart swells. I think about the way in which things have played themselves out this year. Sometimes, you can't think so much before you do things. Literally, you just have to dive head first into the water to let yourself be soaked, drenched, obsorbed in it. You have to give yourself the chance to sink n order to learn how to swim.

I love my family so much even if it's a bit unconventional. My family is a group of funny, hard working, trustowrthy, and most importantly, loyal people. Each one of us would give the shirts off our backs to help a stranger. And thats something that i'm so proud of. We each would do anything to see a smile on each other's faces, to give each one of us their perfect meal for their birthday, to make them completely satisfy, if only for a moment. and whether this can be related to other families, or just mine, it doesn't matter because i'm glad to be part of a bond like that. i think it's been sometimes easy to forget the family i've had all along, the original family. I got caught up in the rush of other things. but family is everything. it's a force greater than yourself. it's an energy that is hard to be faught.

I feel happy and positively progressing. I feel I can be okay in the moment. I feel I can keep progressing if i'm honest with myself and those around me. Things always fall together in one way or another, and it's been shown and showing.

i want to continue this feeling. I want to understand it better so I can refer back to it easily when i'm in need. down and out. I want to hold it in the palm of my hand and never let it go. I want to ingrain it in my body, in my being, submitting to it.

My heart is swelling, and all I can think about it how much i just can't wait to float on top of the ocean with someone else.

I have so many crushes but they all seem so far away!

ahhhhhhhh I just wanna fall in luv

somehow life feels fucking amazing right now!!!!

as i grow my skin gets tougher i stop fitting in to the molds of society they stop feeling so permanent and all being i stop trying to be someone im not i stop trying to feel things i don't i just live my life with the intention of feeling good and giving back to the world. i think about how getting high makes life a perfect match of person and every single things comes down to timing and the gravitational pull of the axis of the air of the universe asking for its energy back. and i don't even want to think that much about it i just want to recognize the color of your shirt and let my skin tingle in the familiar way it does and as i've learned to do so. would less be more? is more less? if this all i can ever hope of becoming? I can offer so many sides of myself, it's all I know how to do or be; selfless, a service for others. you can talk and talk and i'll store and store and the fact is that your stories are limbless, they are speachless, they are gasping for air. and those stories you have, way down there in the depth, they choke you like a rotten egg you eat whole. and all you need from these rotten eggs are breaths of fresh air, something to show you sunlight, the way it could and can be. the opposite of the bottom. your teeth rattle, like you haven't worn you retainer since 7th grade and you're going to the dentist a week from friday. life happens before you prepare. life happens after you prepare. you juggle so many things, you motivate yourself by money, you go to the wrong class, YOU FIND SOMEONE WHO LIKES YOU FOR YOU, and those people that forget themselves are common but the same people who forget their worth are scared and lonely.

EVERYBODY WE MEET, SIGNIFICANT OR INSIGNIFICANT, BECOMES A PART OF US.

things I want for my birthday/need for my birthday/need in general/want other people to buy for me

lunch box/bag
all seasons of Anger Management
thumb ring
black flip flops
garmin fit watch.

I don't want to think about it. I don't want to understand it. I just want to be in it. I want to feel it, live it, and breathe it. I want to be guided by it, with in, for it. I want to drown in it, believe in it,lose myself in it.

I want to fall in love.  never forget, never remember, forever dreaming, forever feeling, never letting go. never let me go.

how do you tell someone you have a crush on them and have for a long time, but havent talked to them in like years?

how do you tell someone you think about them everyday and want to know everything about them but you don't know how they feel about you?

the less you try, the more interested I become. idk,

I am so afraid I have nothing to offer this world.

Dear god, I am so afraid.

There is a true beauty that exists
in the way you can create something from absolutely nothing.


There is a true beauty in freezing the very 
moments that exist within the minutes of 
each
and every day.
The confines of each and every second
that form the structure that is the minute by which we judge our appearances by.
And, in turn, form the same hours we remember memories by.

There is no greater beauty than realizing where you are,
realizing that the very second that is within the very minute in which you are existing
the very minuscule moment you are breathing
there is absolutely nothing that is going to hurt you.

There is nothing at all that could alter the very stillness that surrounds you;
whether it be the simple but yet complex way the seat you are sitting on is supporting you
or the way in which the trees smell while you're walking past them while the wind breezes
or maybe, just maybe, it's the way some total stranger looks at the moon
and then looks longingly back at you.

we go through life in these interactions of swirls

circling, repeating, constantly, constantly

repeating.

back

and

forth.

forever.

And I will never give up on finding the perfect balance

of interaction and silence

that can only be described by the way the air

gets both tighter and lighter simultaneously

a perfect balance that can only be described as 

Love.

And I want to fall in love in so many ways
but most of all I want to fall in love without thinking about it

I want to crawl underneath your skin,
dissolve from your body heat
and lie between the layer that exists
between your skin and muscle.

I want to be with you everywhere you go
a gentle pull of your heart strings...
do you feel me in the air you breath?

I want to uncover the world of you
that exists beneath this one
where all the things we've left unsaid
are all the things we really want.

*How do I tell you without freaking you out that I want to know everything about you?

I don't know what it is about alcohol but one layer of it underneath my skin and the world fits perfectly into alignment.

I want to love myself, and someone else, as much as I love alcohol.

I could lie your way to your heart, but you would never reach mine.

even when I cry over it, it isn't real. I am still wondering if I am capable of an electric current.



I do not try to be this way.

If I had give colors to what I believe bliss, peace, or heaven to be, I think I would assign them the colors of white and blue. but a misty white and a very very pastel light blue.

comfort is nice but eventually there becomes a point where comfort is when the fire goes out and you become cold when all you want is warmth...

I am dying for a love that will light my insides on my fire, create sparks in my heart. I don't want to ever sleep again.

I'm sick of anxiety floating into the room and never leaving telling me I don't know how to just be and telling me not to relax, always on edge, where do I go? I'm so sick of trying to find a place to feel comfortable within my internal and external environments. I don't want to try anymore think anymore do anymore I just want it to happen. I feel like there's nothing to show for all the amount of worrying and preparing I do for all the things i've ever done. I'm tired of fighting, I just want to relax....

what the fuck does it actually feel like???

It's like instead of living in a world where the other person exists, you are living with that other person in the world.

together you create your own energizing definition; a merciless definition of what life means to the both of you, together, and things are added up and subtracted to create a whirlwind of experiences, dreams, passions, and discomforts.

I just feel like something is missing. It always creeps up at night