How do I let go?

Of boxes 

Of notions 

Of the suffocating space in empty open rooms

Of backaches 

Of wondering 

How do you become air when you feel like the only shape you know how to occupy is lead?

Maybe instead of trying to be something major, perfect, fit neatly Into all these boxes I just accept that my ability to on take things other people can isnt as high. And I will be a great worker who is dedicated and detailed but i just won't be able to take on as many things as others or fit comfortably into spaces other people can. Maybe I just need to accept that.

2019

Has been the most problematic year in terms of my drinking and my ability to be social in regards to drinking.

I don't know what else it'd take to reach the end, but it scares me more and more literally
every
single
day

How do I breathe? Ask for help? Say no?
Where is the comfort, if there ever was
No there never was, there never was

I force myself with impulse, I try to fit in spots I don't belong. I'm looking for my home.

Is alcohol still romantic?

I am sad and I want to go home.

People that sit on the train with a seat next to them while another person stands are the worst kinds of people. 

One of the lonliest thoughts I’ve ever had is that nobody will ever be me. Nobody will ever again in the history of the world be exactly who I am. And while that is beautifully unique, it is fucking terrifying and lonely. Am I destined to be misunderstood? Is everyone misunderstood? 

I guess what I am trying to get at is the difference between feeling confident, sexy, ready, in the comfort of ones own familiar room, only for that to disappear once out in public.