I still fear that people will think I am not smart/boring and that makes me shy away from deep connection. It's gotten way better but it's still there and it's really hard to get rid of. Often I feel I don't really know anything about anything and don't know what to say or bring to the table. It's a thought and feeling I repeatedly have that I am trying so damn hard to break. 

 I straight up cannot drink coffee. It is legit a trigger to want to drink and it dehydrates the shit out of my body if I drink it for too long a period of time. 

Really Important Realizations

Everything I want and desire most is already inside of me, I just need to rediscover it. 

Every opportunity I interact with others is a chance to learn and connect in a way I desire.

What I desire most from others/what triggers jealously in others is a direct reflection of where I need to be headed myself.

Life shows up FOR me, not against me. 

First impressions are literally EVERYTHING, along with perception of self in relation to others. 

The foundation of presence is trust. 

 YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
SHAKE YOUR FISTS AT THE GATE
SAYING, "I'VE COME HOME NOW"

...

IT'S TIME NOW
MY TIME NOW
GIVE ME MY, GIVE ME MY WINGS

You said my constant positivity was overwhelming and I shuddered and wanted to retreat into myself and feel bad for making you overwhelmed but then I realized it isn't my responsibility to make you happy or constantly appease you and I need to do what makes me happy. And if that doesn't fit then that's fine but I will never once feel sorry or appologize for something I've tried so hard to create.