I lose it and gain it back and lose it and gain it back and repeat over and over and over and over again.

yes no yes no yes no yes no
i am enough i'm not enough i am not enough i'm not enough i am enough im not enough
i like this i hate this i like this i hate i like this i hate this
i want this i don't want this i want this i don't want this i want this i dont want this

back and forth and back and forth and back and forever forever and ever and ever

I keep having a recurring mental image of me taking a very hot shower and then leaning against the back wall and slowly slipping down, forward, until i'm completely lying on my back with the steaming hot water drowning me.

This is how I feel about my life right now.

relationships don't save you.

YOU save you.

i'm afraid of what my heart can do.

"ships are safe at harbor but that is not what they are made for."

something I need to realize is that life is a continuum. Life is constantly changing. yes, i've felt happier in the past few months than I have in my whole life, but just because that isn't always constant doesn't mean i'm doing something wrong. I really need to realize this.

I catch myself feeling like all my hard work, all the good feelings that I felt previously and wanted to capture in my hand, is all gone just because of one thing that happened, just because of stress.

I'm feeling like my anxious negative self, and have for the past week. I don't want this to stick with me. So I tell myself that emotions are fleeting and they are not definitive. Everything that I judge as negative feels like it defines me, but everybody says it doesn't. and then I get incredibly confused. I feel so passionless in an immensely passionate world and it is a serious upset to me. I let it define me. and some people say it doesn't matter. but I don't even understand what actually DOES matter in life then?

If your passions (or lack there of) don't matter, then what actually makes a person up? like yeah, we could die tomorrow and and all that stuff, but it's an honestly REAL assumption that one could think "shit! I wish I was more passionate throughout my life".

I guess maybe it isn't worth it to think about it so much, as it is to just explore the world to find out what i'm passionate about. I do try to make myself cultured and well rounded. I mean, I am trying, it's not like I don't try. The problem is that nothing is ever going to be enough. Because life is always changing. Because I am always changing and there will always be something else to explore, learn, or feel like I need to be doing. We never reach a point where we are finalized forever and we stay that way until we die. I think maybe sometimes I have that idea, as if self actualization is something completely solidified and you turn into a specific person who a specific set of passions and morals and behaviors that never change. But that's clearly so false.

I have two sides of my brain and they are both competing with each other, especially when it involves negativity like this and the lifeline I should or should not give it. And I just want these things to wash out of me as easily as they filtered in. And I want to be able to hold and understand my happy place in the middle of my being so I can always go back there when I need to. So I can always be centered when I need to.

This is a process. It's okay to be not be happy 100% of the time. Nobody is happy that often. I need to remember that.

This too shall pass.

 I think there just comes a point in your life where you realize everything you are, definitively. The things about you that you can't and SHOULDN'T apologize for. And those are, in turn, the reasons and the things that people end up loving about you.