I miss being a kid and just going after what felt right. What felt real. There was no rational behind it, it's just what you were propelled towards and guided to. What happens to that? Where does it go?

one of the most profound thoughts i've ever had was that those who feel the need to seek a god outside of themselves are not looking closely enough inward. and that everything you need from a god is actually inside of you. nothing outside of you can save you, only yourself. even things manifested as an outside deity are merely your own perceptions. subjective in nature.

I lose it and gain it back and lose it and gain it back and repeat over and over and over and over again.

yes no yes no yes no yes no
i am enough i'm not enough i am not enough i'm not enough i am enough im not enough
i like this i hate this i like this i hate i like this i hate this
i want this i don't want this i want this i don't want this i want this i dont want this

back and forth and back and forth and back and forever forever and ever and ever

I keep having a recurring mental image of me taking a very hot shower and then leaning against the back wall and slowly slipping down, forward, until i'm completely lying on my back with the steaming hot water drowning me.

This is how I feel about my life right now.

relationships don't save you.

YOU save you.

i'm afraid of what my heart can do.

"ships are safe at harbor but that is not what they are made for."