I have so much more to do and so much more growth to experience, but I want to give myself credit for what I've done. Quarantine has been hard for a lot of people, but it's been good for me.

• I stopped drinking
• I started walking and will slowly start running
• I have a health diet and skin care routine
• I started cold showering 
• My music choices are slowly changing from hard, masculine, angry to calm, feminine, smooth 
• I am gardening and even tho I don't know what i'm doing, i'm trying, and learning along the way
• I took my jealousies and told myself that instead of being less than, I am be equal to

The other day I found a bunch of old tumblr writings. I found one I especially liked that said "Somewhere, in the chaotic mass of energy and atomic particles, there is a small hole waiting to be filled. a small hole waiting for me to shine my own unique lightness, hue, and color. Somewhere, the world is waiting for me." and then I watched a TED talk the next day and the last words were "There is a You-shaped hole in the universe"

How do I let go?

Of boxes 

Of notions 

Of the suffocating space in empty open rooms

Of backaches 

Of wondering 

How do you become air when you feel like the only shape you know how to occupy is lead?

Maybe instead of trying to be something major, perfect, fit neatly Into all these boxes I just accept that my ability to on take things other people can isnt as high. And I will be a great worker who is dedicated and detailed but i just won't be able to take on as many things as others or fit comfortably into spaces other people can. Maybe I just need to accept that.

2019

Has been the most problematic year in terms of my drinking and my ability to be social in regards to drinking.

I don't know what else it'd take to reach the end, but it scares me more and more literally
every
single
day

How do I breathe? Ask for help? Say no?
Where is the comfort, if there ever was
No there never was, there never was

I force myself with impulse, I try to fit in spots I don't belong. I'm looking for my home.

Is alcohol still romantic?

I am sad and I want to go home.