you know what is weird? Ive recently realized why when things get bad for me, why they always seem to stay that way. in some odd sort of way, when things are on a constant gray scale for so long, comfort begins to form. maybe not so much comfort in where you are, but comfort in knowing that where you are isn't going to get any worse then where you currently are. and then, when you lift you head a little higher and see the light of a new sun, even if only a speck, you can't help my be a little bit scared for it. at the moment, the exact moment you see that sun, you know if could just fall again. i've lived my life in fear. not complete fear, of course, but i let it dig holes of the worst wholeness i've ever experienced. that is no more. no more.
and you know what i also realized? not even me, someone else. i don't adapt to change because i get so stuck in my past that i don't appreciate the present or the future. i don't think about what new things i should be excited for in the future. instead, i regress on the moments of happiness, contentment, perfection, that i've experienced but no longer seem to have.
i am in such a good mood today. i feel good. i can't believe i thought getting this far was impossible. i no longer see dark blue. it's so refreshing,
i am free.
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