stream of conciousness ramble ramble ramble

i think, slowly, the foundation of everything i've ever know, believed, and trusted, is being stripped bared and disappearing from under my feet. everything is turning to liquid. or maybe it's already liquid. i feel like the place i am trying to get to doesn't exist. at one point i had believed in it so thoroughly but i'm giving up on it. in a way, giving up might be the answer. just setting myself free from this wrath of darkness. but the problem is that it doesn't always seem so bad. there's so much ironic comfort in darkness. there's light here. (i'm still here, right?) it blankets things. it exaggerates the curves that form and shows you where the lines are soft and hard. in ways, it's so warm here. i think i've realized that i try to fit into bolded lines too much. i try to constantly change myself and mold myself into someone that i can't possibly be. it just won't work that way. it can't work that way. and i think that by refusing to accept it, i grow frustrated. no progression happens when one is frustrated. it's just not even feasible. nothing transfers from side to side, nothing shines, nothing matters. i need to just let everything go. accept who i am. i am who i am and i do what i do. i can say it a million times but i havent accepted myself. i need to realize that i will never be a minimalistic thinker. i will always analyze the analysis of the analysis. it's just the way that i am. and i might not always be living in the darkness, or revert back to it, but it's always something that will balance out everything else. and maybe what i need is not to try and open myself more, but to just try and have more life experiences with people. that's where comfort forms. and comfort breeds absolutely everything you will find. even bad things. things aren't bad, time just feels like it's against me. it's like things are moving backwards, actually. like i said, everything is liquid. and in ways that's okay because i'm always thirst. but need for thirst comes from need for hunger. it's a constant cycle.

new.
meh. weed influences.
takes away the loneliness that is supposed to be healing, or can be healing if you make it healing. but it's so hard to turn hollowness into something solid. and once again, everything is liquid.