ramble.

it's been a while and I was angry last time.

I just keep telling myself that slowly but surely it is all going to fall into place. At first I want to escape that thought, dismiss it, and tell myself that if i continue to think that the right time is in the future, and not in the present, i won't get anywhere. But truthfully, I don't think the time is right now. I am still in the process of figuring out who I am. and again, truthfully, I have absolutely NO idea who that is. Slowly, I am beginning to gather thoughts, goals, pictures, role models of things I want to do, qualities I want to possess, ways I want to dress and act. But this can't all happen over night. This is a process.

a process is PROGRESS.

It is, however, terribly frightening and scary to me to think about easy it is to escape reality and to live without living. I mean, fuck, I've done it for so long and I didn't even realize what I was doing! I kept doing it while thinking I had addressed the problem. Isn't that just fucking pathetic? I spent all this time just sitting way far down in a rabbit hole doing NOTHING with my time but staring blankly at the walls of my brain, waiting for answers that I knew, but didn't want to admit to myself, were not going to sprout in my small, dark, little brain garden. I mean seriously...wouldn't any normal person have realized that about, what, like, uh, YEARS ago? I don't understand why it's taken me so long to realize that I need to snap the fuck out of it. Actually, I think what did me in was a comment I received from someone.

He said to me, "You are a brain in a vat, Madi."

This was actually incredibly debilitating and I was even kind of mad that he had said that to me. That's not really a nice statement, let alone one I want to hear. But then I realized, or rather, starting thinking...all this time I have been living in my head and it really has been showing. Think about it. I have exterted such small amounts of external energy. I have not tried to show people I am. I have not tried to delve into something new to explore a talent. I have not gone out of my way to talk to people I know I would enjoy and vise versa. All this time I have been waiting around for others to supply the energy for me because I was too unsure of my own thoughts, actions, wants, goals, etc. But the reason I felt/feel t his way is because I have never gone out on a limb and done it myself. I have never really done anything soley just for or by myself. It was always been due to someone else's influence or well being or choice. I follow what others do, not lead the way for the people. And that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but i've been hiding behind all of these walls for so long that I was seriously blinded to what life is like without them. I stopped looking at these walls as walls and started to just view them as the person I was/am eternally meant to become. But, I mean, you see how wrong that is, right?
Do you realize how easy it was, and still is, for me to just lock myself into my mental cage and never let myself out? it's so fucked up. I literally had to remind myself one day that I am more than just a bundle of negative, spiraling thoughts whirling around and housed in a circular hair holding container. I had, and HAVE to remind myself that I am a brain and I am a body.

I am a brain and I am a body.

It's time for me to realize that this seriously needs to end. What is this doing for me? NOTHING. The problem is that it feels so good to just lock the cage and never come out. Despite the negative thoughts and feelings, it's so comfortable down here that I somehow, in a twisted, maybe in nihilistic way, enjoy being here. I find that to be one of the biggest flaws of a human. Although we strive so hard for happiness and everything we associate with it, it still is so easy to just become stagnant, familiar, and comfortable with unhappiness. It's just such a familiar place. You have no expectations down there, and if you do, they don't extend very far and are not hard to surpass. So it's hard to lose once you've already lost.

I am reminded of a quote.

"our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. we ask ourselves, who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you NOT to be? you are a child of god. your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightening about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. we are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. We are are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Marianne

This is seriously so true. It does along with what I was saying. I'm not afraid of the darkness. I'm not afraid to just in the dark corners and never come out. I'm not afraid to spend my days just staring at a computer screen, writing the same useless bullshit over and over, all the while waiting for a phone call from someone I will never receive. I'm not afraid to walk in front of a crowd of people, and hopelessly wish one of them saw some mystery in my stature, or possibly my eyes, enough for them to want to talk to me after class or ask me to a late lunch. But I mean, that's not the way the world is and so there I go again, sitting alone, and aimlessly in a dark corner, sucking up all the oxygen I can get my hands on. I'm not afraid of the darkness of my mind because I have already been there and have lived there for several years. Me and the darkness, we are good friends but we aren't good for each other. it's like being married to a recovering alcoholic while you still enjoy to drink wine every night.

So, in turn for (from?) this realization, I now have to compensate for lost time. Luckily, I still have plenty left over but I feel as if I have been frozen for years and have just reemerged. I feel out of touch with the things I am good at, the things I want, the things I like and dislike and I am afraid that it resonates with everybody I meet. I don't think people want to be friends with someone who has no idea who they are where they are going. But, do most people think that in-depthly about their friends/people or they meet or it just me? this is such a complicated business. this could all be in my head. Others could view me as someone completely different than the person I view myself as which is absolutely absurd. I'm a pretty logical thinker, to do something like that is not like me at all.

All of this I am fully capable of doing, being, and completing but I still have to patient. While I am meeting new people, and successfully trying to fish my way through the people who I don't think will matter, I am still haunted by the lingering and ever so fucking prominent feeling of inadequacy. I still feel uninteresting and not smart and it is the direct reason, and correlation, to my stonewalled-ness. The problem is that without the walls to cover me, I feel completely exposed and naked. I feel as if I am a jar of butterflies and the lid was just been removed and all the butterflies flew out. Without my walls, without things to hide and protect me from the fear of rejection, from the openness of being, I actually have to express myself. (oh no!) [youseehowpatheticbutintricateandrealthisisright?]

the progression process

slowly but surely

slow slowly but oh so surely

surely surely

surely