I just feel lonely. really really lonely and all I want to do is get out of here so I can meet You and cuddle and dance and actually find myself walking towards the place I want to get to. it will happen, right? If I keep it in my frontal lobes, I won't just waste my life waiting around, will I? I'm afraid of that. If I constantly feel afraid of that is the denoting its fate in saying it won't come? I want it to come. I want to get away, find my niche, find You, find a smile. agh.

THE MORNING PAGES

If you want any kind of assurance that weed opens the mind, just read the Cathedral by Raymond Carver, he'll tell ya

Even though Billy Corgan seems like a pompous asshole, his voice is tooo great

Is it really possible to fake it until you make it?

I had a dream last night that I moved into a new house that was bigger but cheaper for my family. I was really excited about it because I would get my own room that has a bathroom attatched to it and all I could think about was the fact that I could have my (completely invisible but totally hot) boyfriend in the shower with my and not have to worry about anyone walking in. I was also excited to decorate my walls with posters, tapestries, and pictures galore.

I feel like I charactorize things in my life as happening at certain points. Like, for example, I go by Madi to every single person I know but what if I started going by Madalyn? I can only go by Madalyn once I have fully become myself, fit into a style, and can define myself. I also wouldn't want to be called Madalyn unless my hair was somewhat long. But is it bad that I look at it that way? I feel like there is a lot of potential here but I push it off until it is fully completed and i'm not sure if that's the right thing to do because maybe that just warrents a lack of motivation. I don't know lol.

I have been trying to hard to stay positive and keep myself moving forward. A lot of shit in life is so fucked up right now it's beyond comprehension. I really never thought I would see myself in a situation like this, but the sad part is that I kind of created it. Not all of it, but some of it. Right now, my step dad is in florida trying to make his business, which involves the cleaning of the hospital cubicle curtains, draperies, cart covers, lab coats, etc. Meanwhile, me, my mother, and my sister and up here in PA and my mother is trying to handle the marketing/accounting aspect of the business. the problem is that we aren't making a lot of money. the other problem is that my step dad, since he has bad credit, has to live in a hotel because he can't approved for a house. so he has been living in a hotel for a month and a half at $35 a night. All of the money that we earn from doing jobs and booking appointments goes right to the cost of the hotel. This leaves us with no money to pay the bills for the house, car insurance, the mortgage, etc. In addition to that, today, my step dad got kicked out of the hotel because he hasn't been paying the bill because we don't have any incoming money. Also on top of that is the fact that not only me, but my mother and I BOTH, have recieved DUI's and are going to lose our license. this leaves us with two cars and nowhere to go and no way of getting there unless we use MONEY to get a fucking cab. It really, extremely, freakily scares me and I have no idea how this is going to work. We really don't even have enough money to pay for food at this point. I feel like the only option for me is to go away to college and not have to deal with it so that I won't need a car and won't need to worry about what's happening around me. the problem with that is the process of taking loans out, which I am afraid to do because that is a lot of money and will take a very long time to pay off. Also, I don't want to lose my job because I will not have very much money to pay for things unless I somehow get a job wherever I go to college but that is super unrealistic. I don't know. I need someone else's opinion. I need to ask people about this because I suck at making decisions. But this all could really backfire in my face, in both ways. It really freaks me out.

Besides this negativity though, I have created a Positivity Progression Process journal which I use to track the things of each day that I felt good about. I also track my successes and things I was proud of myself for. This has definitely helped but I still have underlying feelings of incompetence, being boring, and just overall suckiness. I still freeze inside of myself when it comes to showing myself and that's hard to deal with. but I am doing okay. I know this is something that doesn't happen over night, but I am afraid of how long it is going to take because I want things...and I want them now.

I kind of want to talk to a therapist about this. But the thing is...that a therapist cost like $80-$150 dollars A SESSION and I mean, who the fuck can afford that?

The way that we are supposed to live life right now is just horrible. It's hard to go through day by day with no money and knowing you're just getting closer to something even worse happening. But at the same time this is a lesson/test for me to be able to take each day by the horns and cherish it for what it is instead of focusing on the future or on the past. really, I need to just focus on today and what today is going to bring. I Still need to set goals and ways of life and things I Want to accomplish. I want to be successful and be complete and whole but there is a lot still standing in my way and I need to break though all of it.

one step at a time. I know I can, it's just a matter of

how?

incomplete sentences

still just trying to keep myself afloat. wanting to indulge myself more and more each day. making goals to learn 1 new thing a day, and then I want to also write a review about it to help gain better talent with writing. also wanting to analyze people in my own secretive ways just to test myself. it'd be cool to keep a tab on each person i analyze that includes their answers to the questions i present to them. I think this is a good way to help me progress in the areas I want to be progress towards. Not really caring if it's creepy because it's just for me, and not for harmful purposes. Also wanting to learn more about philosophy and space and other branches oh pysch. Processes are not meant to be short, I guess. Also still fantasizing about women but it's really a man who wears scruff all the time and who likes to wear dress shoes with jeans, that I really long for. But most of all I just really fucking long for some inner peace. It's super hard to get to the place I want to be and to push away the negative thoughts and to be able to actually say yes when I want nothing more (and simultaneously nothing LESS) than to say no. no no no no. with this feeling also comes the ever some increasing feeling with the fact that time is limited and eventually I will wake up and walk out the door to complete and utter silence and realize that I have just awakened while everyone is sleeping, and all the time everybody was out being active, I did nothing but hide. and I don't want...nobody would want that. Still needed to let go of the feeling that I am frozen inside. Not really sure where it comes from or why it persists, that's why I want to talk to someone about it. I guess it's good that I notice these thigns but I still become utterly at a loss for words and all thoughts once I am in the company of uncomfortable beings. I really don't like that this happens and am trying, with all of my energy, to escape it. Even going as far as to devote an entire composition book to it or even part (or whole) of my walls. blah blah blah blah I need to study econ and I will just ramble all day long.

slowlybutsurely

slowly but surely