I am also the girl that tells everyone that everything is double sides. I am also the girl who tells people to look for the positivity not the negativity  I am the girl who knows there are things to smile about. I gotta stop living on the other side. Why is it so fucking easy?

nobody ever texts me just to see how I am.

The thing that bothers me the most, that I don't want to admit (REALLY REALLY DON'T WANT TO ADMIT) but know I have to, is that the person I miss the most, who knows me the best, who I want to recreate with every person I'll ever meet, I still love somewhere deep inside me.  And what kills me is to know that the feelings I know I harbor might not be reciprocated.


But it's not like I haven't dealt with it before, in a much harsher way.
I just never understood the meaning of never losing feeling for someone.
Finally, though, I realize it. It's been years.

The colors are turning black again. I am falling reverse. This needs to not happen

If I ever said or say I hate all my friends it's not true. Not true at all. It's really myself I hate.

okay.
I'll be honest here.

This has nothing to do with loneliness induced by Minus the Bear.
It has little to do with the seasons changing.
This has everything to do with the fact that I saw Curt again and the whole time felt that he was better than me. And you know why? Because once again, I was on the outside of it all. He was in his comfort zone with his three good friends and then there was me. On the outside. Again. For the millionth time. And I felt like he had it all together. He has his friends and his job and he's content with where he is, no matter how much he sucks at relationships or whatever. And he knows how to joke around. And then there's me. I feel like the complete opposite. I feel like I am constantly on a search for something I will never find. I am lonely as ever these past two days because I realized that someone I put myself in front of is really in front of me. I know that sounds wrong but it's true and it happened.

And how do you think that makes me feel, huh?
How do you think that makes me feel.

I meant to write home but I wrote love instead.

extreme Freudian slip. I don't hate it.

Fall of Troy Fall of Troy Fall of Troy

(fuck running home)
when love doesn't exist because it hasn't been created yet

I'm pissed that I decided to dye my hair only to fucking hate it.
I finally get the courage to make a change, even if it's relatively small, and look what happens.
Change is not good. Change fucking sucks

If all I want is to be loved and to be able to absorb that same love and know I took full advange of the time I had with you, why I keep pushing you away?

of course the color I want to dye my hair doesn't come in fucking semi permanent. of course.

in some cases, love is the same fucking thing as hate. I never wanted to believe it but if you can't love you hate. love = hate.

I REALLY SHOULD BE HAPPY THAT I'VE BEEN MEETING PEOPLE AND GETTING INVOLVED. I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF THAT SLOWLY BUT FUCKING SHORTLY IT WILL ALL FALL INTO PLACE, FIT TOGETHER, WORK THE FUCK OUT. BUT THE OTHER PART OF ME TAKES OVER AND I START TO DOUBT MYSELF HATE MYSELF FALL BACK INTO OLD ROUTINES AND THEN I LOSE MY BALANCE AND HAVE TO START ALL FUCKING OVER AGAIN. IVE MADE PROGRESS BUT I LET MYSELF BE NEGATIVE AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO EVER ESCAPE. I AM ADDICTED TO NEGATIVITY BECAUSE WITHOUT IT I'D BE EMPTY. WRONG MINDSET NO NO NO IN THE END IT ALL GOES AWAY

HOW DO I FEEL WHAT DO I SAY FUCK YOU IT ALL GOES AWAY
HOW DO I FEEL WHAT DO I SAY IN THE END IT ALL GOES AWAY

I keep going backwards and forwards trying to determine my feelings

are you dead or are you sleeping? are you dead or are you sleep? are you dead or are you sleep? god, I sure hope you are dead.

I have been asking myself the same questions for years and years.



this is what insanity is, ISN'T IT?!

If one plays it cool, one doesn't get hurt. right? right?

gotta slowly ease into it. slowly slowly.

but really, just that one little gesture means so much more than just one little gesture. If only people knew

It's never going to be how I want it to be, so why do I even waste my time thinking that maybe, somehow it will be?

this kind of thinking could destroy a room

Maybe there is something wrong with me. I'd rather drunkenly come home and masturbate than drunkenly have sex with someone just because i'm horny.


This is probably going to surface as a big problem when I have a boyfriend. If I ever get myself there

I am always on
the outside for once
I would like to
be in the MIDDLE.

I have a year to define myself.
yoga
rocks
psychology
music
art
writing ideas
french
losing weight
environmentalism