most of the time I don't have a lot to say.

I never really have a lot to say.

But other times I have a little bit of something to say, as if I actually know what I am talking about.

As much as I will tell you, and act, and feel like I am a solid rock which cannot be broken,
I don't think I will ever give up on:
wanting a valentine on valentines day.
wanting to float in outerspace with you
wanting to float in the ocean for a couple of hours with you
wanting to feel like it is okay to finally spill my water all over the floor
everywhere
all over the sheets, my clothes, your clothes, everybody's clothes
let it spill and collect
up the walls
and over my shoulders
and through my nose
and in my eye lids
and in my head
let it drown me
let me swim
let me become a fish
let me drink my water
pee it out
drain the blockage
break the blockage
break the barrior
break.

I will never give up on wanting you to be no longer be meaningless, faceless, and bottomless.
Yet I am the least bit lonely, longing, or sad.
I'm not sure this makes sense.

Most times I have nothing to say
and then there are other times that I think I have so much to say that the black words compile on top of one another and give me too much writers block to be able to think properly
I have so much to say to my long lost friend! (blog)
I have so much to account for and be excited for and do and want.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined and that is okay because that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but I think I am sorta happy because I am 20 and I am not supposed to be anywhere except half up and half down and half off and half on and one day I won't be 20 and I won't be unrefined but I will still be okay. Maybe a little more clever.

I am different than who I used to be.
People think I am social. The person inside my head does not feel very social.
It is funny that the person I think I am is the opposite of what others think of me.
But the real question is, are they wrong or am I wrong?

I am 20 and I am unrefined, undefined