have you ever thought about what it means to trust your gut? have you ever thought about the fact that you have the choice to listen to  your heart, your head, or your gut, and your gut will feel right nearly ever single time in comparison to what your heart or head is telling you?

READ THIS

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_boundaries.html

maybe love is just the radiation of one person
mixed with the radiation of another
until they both set themselves on fire





love until you burn to the ground

I have so much I want to say


Yet I'm silently screaming

sharp kiss, hold me tight

We Don't Need to Put Others Down in Order to Make Ourselves Feel Better

knife stuck into white bed sheets-

what fills you up can
also drown you
if you arent careful
     dont let the salt water sting your eyes.

we are born in love
we burn for love

it's really a hard pill to swallow when something you love so much is so self destructive

how do you walk into a room without feeling helplessly alone?

GOALS:

-beginners yoga. fucking just do it, stop being afraid, fucking do it.
-join a CSA even if I have to do it myself.
-find a place to volunteer to learn how to garden, in order to start my own garden.
-figure out my feelings
-let myself feel them- FULLY
-be able to eloquently put these feelings into pose/poetry word formations I am ok with.
-food blog, at least for myself.

people are sad but yet they know how to connect.
people are sad yet KNOW HOW TO CONNECT.
PEOPLE ARE SAD BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO CONNECT.

I don't get it.

I can feel the tiredness is my muscles
I can feel the sluggishness in my cells

when you're so overwhelmed with feelings you don't actually want to be feeling but know you should be allowing yourself to feel that all you can do is wipe the tears from your eyes that have been clogging your tear ducts for 3 months, look at the sun reflecting off the hot tin roof of the building across the street, notice the grass and the way the sun creates shadows of the trees on the black asphalt, pick yourself up and just laugh it the fuck off.

you drag me under
drag me below
and you make a home out of me

you cozy up inside my soft spots
insides exposed

you take control of my limbs
(my lips move in motions I'm not familiar with)
(my hands shake as I try to touch your skin)

you created my darkness
when all I wanted was light.

I was ready to set myself on fire.

I found my old live journal, and so I compile lines of poems I liked into one post.

drags me below
creates a home out of me

your mind's on overdrive, 
and youre on my roof

 the color of the morning
dusk matches your bed sheets.

rugedy players need to practice
their technique. hot sun burns the grass that
was protective to their knees and now they

fall fast and hard; scared like a bull in a gun fight.

you and i have now began to swim seperately.

 i make rivers with my eyes

i felt the earth crack

 it's hard to breath when you don't know how to make oxygen by yourself

i lit a match once just to see how long it would burn.
then i lit another one and laid it on the grass.
i know you'd say it was stupid. fucking stupid.

I love this blog/diary/website thing and I am so so so glad I've had it for all these years.

I'm not secured enough in who I know I really am. Therefore, others cannot be either.

It might sound like negativity but it isn't. These things are realizations, things to overcome that ARE possible. But you have to walk first before you run.

I am trying. I am doing the things I need to be doing.

What am I guided towards?

Healthy Eating
spirituality
nature
yoga/meditation

farmers markets
farming
simple
being open and connected; free
small groups
earth and/or dark colors

prog metal

all I ever do is hide
all we ever do is hide

define first, create later.


LIFE WILL NEVER THE SAME AS IT IS RIGHT NOW. EVER, EVER AGAIN. EVER!!!!!!

fucking graduating in 3 WEEKS. how did I get here? where am i going? wtf is happening????

I miss being a kid and just going after what felt right. What felt real. There was no rational behind it, it's just what you were propelled towards and guided to. What happens to that? Where does it go?

one of the most profound thoughts i've ever had was that those who feel the need to seek a god outside of themselves are not looking closely enough inward. and that everything you need from a god is actually inside of you. nothing outside of you can save you, only yourself. even things manifested as an outside deity are merely your own perceptions. subjective in nature.

I lose it and gain it back and lose it and gain it back and repeat over and over and over and over again.

yes no yes no yes no yes no
i am enough i'm not enough i am not enough i'm not enough i am enough im not enough
i like this i hate this i like this i hate i like this i hate this
i want this i don't want this i want this i don't want this i want this i dont want this

back and forth and back and forth and back and forever forever and ever and ever

I keep having a recurring mental image of me taking a very hot shower and then leaning against the back wall and slowly slipping down, forward, until i'm completely lying on my back with the steaming hot water drowning me.

This is how I feel about my life right now.