how do you walk into a room without feeling helplessly alone?

GOALS:

-beginners yoga. fucking just do it, stop being afraid, fucking do it.
-join a CSA even if I have to do it myself.
-find a place to volunteer to learn how to garden, in order to start my own garden.
-figure out my feelings
-let myself feel them- FULLY
-be able to eloquently put these feelings into pose/poetry word formations I am ok with.
-food blog, at least for myself.

people are sad but yet they know how to connect.
people are sad yet KNOW HOW TO CONNECT.
PEOPLE ARE SAD BUT THEY KNOW HOW TO CONNECT.

I don't get it.

I can feel the tiredness is my muscles
I can feel the sluggishness in my cells

when you're so overwhelmed with feelings you don't actually want to be feeling but know you should be allowing yourself to feel that all you can do is wipe the tears from your eyes that have been clogging your tear ducts for 3 months, look at the sun reflecting off the hot tin roof of the building across the street, notice the grass and the way the sun creates shadows of the trees on the black asphalt, pick yourself up and just laugh it the fuck off.

you drag me under
drag me below
and you make a home out of me

you cozy up inside my soft spots
insides exposed

you take control of my limbs
(my lips move in motions I'm not familiar with)
(my hands shake as I try to touch your skin)

you created my darkness
when all I wanted was light.

I was ready to set myself on fire.

I found my old live journal, and so I compile lines of poems I liked into one post.

drags me below
creates a home out of me

your mind's on overdrive, 
and youre on my roof

 the color of the morning
dusk matches your bed sheets.

rugedy players need to practice
their technique. hot sun burns the grass that
was protective to their knees and now they

fall fast and hard; scared like a bull in a gun fight.

you and i have now began to swim seperately.

 i make rivers with my eyes

i felt the earth crack

 it's hard to breath when you don't know how to make oxygen by yourself

i lit a match once just to see how long it would burn.
then i lit another one and laid it on the grass.
i know you'd say it was stupid. fucking stupid.

I love this blog/diary/website thing and I am so so so glad I've had it for all these years.