Alcohol is no longer romantic. 

The heart is a magnet.

My heart is a magnet. 

From mine

To yours 

Oh no 

No no no 

I am 

Self 

Destructing again 

Ruining things that

Get 

Way 

Too

Good 

 I have no other personality traits other than listening to tool obsessively, wearing all black, and being guided towards nature/flowing water LOL

 Instead of "here's Tom with the weather" I heard: Fear is gone, like the weather

🧩🧩

 Thoughts I need to get out 

I really want/need to start journaling more. I keep telling myself I will but then never do. I think in some fashion I am afraid of it because journaling means accessing emotions and really feeling them. hmm.

I miss writing poems and want to start that again too. I read other's poems on Instagram and feel like shit, I can totally write something like this, but it's hard for me to access the feelings and the words. I always say to myself- write first, define and organize later. Maybe I should make it more of an effort. 

Life has been really great these last few months. Happiness is scary because it feels like something that can be easily taken away. I started Lexapro and it's changed my entire life. People have always been scary and frightening. Social settings have always been filled with fear and doubt. While they still kind of are, i'm learning to lean into the discomfort. I'm learning that every interaction is a chance to learn and grow. I put so much pressure on myself to have it all figured out. To know everything someone else is talking about. To not appear stupid or awkward or whatever else i'm afraid of.  To be light hearted and breezy, funny, easy. I put pressure on myself to be aloof, but I think instead I need to harness the fact that I am a serious person, and I like to have serious conversations. I have avoided this part of myself and deeming it as negative, but if I harness it in a positive way, I show my truth even more. 

I recently went camping and I brought this game with me called We Are Not Really Strangers. It's a game designed to get to know the other person you're playing with. There's different prompts and questions. We did it as a group and I was really afraid of bringing it because I thought it would be too serious or deep for a camping trip. But honestly, it really brought all 4 of us close together, and in a way bonded us for life I think. It turned the short one night trip into a truly collective and connective experience. I'm glad that I brought it and that the closeness we felt was partially initiated by me bringing that game. All people want is to feel loved, accepted, and connected to/with. I need to remember this. 

I also made a new friend. Since I started taking Lexapro I have really seen the world in a new light. I feel connected to people without knowing them. I call people by their name when I am at a store or buying a coffee. I try to learn something new about myself or someone else daily and part of that is reaching out to strangers and sharing a connection, big or small. It's been really nice talking to this new friend, someone who shares lots of the same interests and thoughts as me. It's really crazy to think of how many people are wandering in the same patterns as you, but not actually touching you. I mean, this person literally goes to the same exact places I often frequent, or close to. I wonder how long it was that way before we crossed, and why timing lines up the way it does. Do we try to give meaning to things that are otherwise just happenstance?

The other thing I just have to mention, is that I finished watching Maid on Netflix, and connected to it way more than I thought I would. It's about DV which is something i've never experienced, but it also is about a young girl who has to care for her bipolar mother, and someone who has experienced poverty, which are both things that I currently deal with in various extremes and levels. It hit really close to home, with story lines about manic episodes, explosive outbursts, homelessness, caring for others when you can barely care for yourself. It hurt a little, actually. But more than anything, I actually felt something I wasn't expecting, and that word/feeling is proud. I realized that even though I still deal with these things, I am on the other side of it now. I can control it and manage it. I don't feel like a victim of circumstance anymore. I don't feel like my life is happening to me without option for change. I feel like I have the tools to expand and grow and help when needed. I feel like the worst is behind me and that's an amazing feeling. And I also took the time to give myself credit. Because i've actually been through a lot in the last 8 years. 

We lost our childhood home, we had to put everything in storage, my mom moved like 5 times in 2.5 years and was homeless, I had to work 3 jobs to pay for my family, take out loans to buy us cars to get to and from work. I drank every single day, before events and after them. At one point I had no self care routine what so ever, but now I do.  I lost 30 pounds and I started getting out in nature. I started feeling my body and being aware of my thoughts. I started stretching more. I started loving myself and therefore loving everyone else. I started to believe in myself and reach for happier opportunities. I got a pay raise, I excelled at my jobs. I've established healthy coping skills and things I can rely on when I fall off track. And that's the thing, I do fall off track. A lot. I lose myself and I come back to myself over and over a million times a day. But the most important thing is that I am building a foundation of myself that I never had before. I am building self trust that I never even knew I needed, until now. And damn, does it feel good. Self trust is literally everything in this world. Everything.

Without self trust you can't succeed in any area. You must believe in yourself and trust that you can do it and that it's going to be okay no matter what happens. Building self trust means doing what you know is healthy for you and having the wherewithal to be mindful and honest when you're falling into old patterns. Like I said, I do that. And I fall out of self trust and self alignment. But now I know -okay, I can do this. I can get back to myself. Because i've been building at that trust. And since I started that, my whole life has changed.

Life isn't just going to be okay, it IS okay. Here, now, in the present...there, then, in the past...and soon, to be, in the future.

Suddenly I miss everyone 

People come into your life when your frequency matches theirs. What you are is what attracts what others are and vise versa.

I still fear that people will think I am not smart/boring and that makes me shy away from deep connection. It's gotten way better but it's still there and it's really hard to get rid of. Often I feel I don't really know anything about anything and don't know what to say or bring to the table. It's a thought and feeling I repeatedly have that I am trying so damn hard to break. 

 I straight up cannot drink coffee. It is legit a trigger to want to drink and it dehydrates the shit out of my body if I drink it for too long a period of time. 

Really Important Realizations

Everything I want and desire most is already inside of me, I just need to rediscover it. 

Every opportunity I interact with others is a chance to learn and connect in a way I desire.

What I desire most from others/what triggers jealously in others is a direct reflection of where I need to be headed myself.

Life shows up FOR me, not against me. 

First impressions are literally EVERYTHING, along with perception of self in relation to others. 

The foundation of presence is trust. 

 YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
SHAKE YOUR FISTS AT THE GATE
SAYING, "I'VE COME HOME NOW"

...

IT'S TIME NOW
MY TIME NOW
GIVE ME MY, GIVE ME MY WINGS

You said my constant positivity was overwhelming and I shuddered and wanted to retreat into myself and feel bad for making you overwhelmed but then I realized it isn't my responsibility to make you happy or constantly appease you and I need to do what makes me happy. And if that doesn't fit then that's fine but I will never once feel sorry or appologize for something I've tried so hard to create. 

manifesting in action

 i've been wanting a really nice fish dinner, a white fish, that's kind of expensive and haven't really found a good place to get it. have been thinking about it a lot tho. yesterday at the country club the food runner came out with too many fish entrees and I took it to the back and ate it. the thought occurred to me that in a way, I manifested this. and although it wasn't a dinner at a restaurant that I paid for, I still got what I wanted! Manifesting things into existence looks different than we think, but it actually happened! I want to keep an ongoing list of these types of things, as a reminder :)

 I got drunk before work today (2 beers and a seltzer). 

Drinking alcohol isn't sustainable and this is my reminder.

 yo

the other day I went to the gym with Kelly and literally jogged for 25 MINUTES STRAIGHT.

I went from 4.5 - 5.5 mph. I'm sooo hype! muscle memory is 100% a thing. Literally could not even run a minute and a half at one point. Now look at me!!

 Last night I was reading a book and the main character was describing being a teenager and not being able to drive and having to ask his dad to drive his friend home early in the morning because he got sick. The character said he felt like he needed to say sorry before even asking his dad for anything. Didn't want to inconvience him.

I realized this was a very common feeling and occurance in my household as well.

Asking anything of my parents (both my mom/stepdad and my dad) always felt like I was pulling teeth. I t felt like it was such a chore for them to do something for me, and it wasn't an open invitation to ask for something. Asking for anything felt like I was taking them away from whatever else they were doing, like that was more important than helping or assisting me with what I needed. They didn't seem happy or open to doing things.

There's so much content out there that talks about how we subconsciously repeat patterns in our life. Or, said another way, you attract what you feel, or some other shit like that.

I just had to call my manager to ask him a question and I realized that I feel this EXACT SAME WAY when asking him for anything. And not only because of my internal beliefs that stem from my childhood, but because he's ACTUALLY busy and can't really handle taking any other questions or responsibilities. 

Realizing this, I just started laughing because it's actually ironic and very hilarious how TRUE it is that these cycles repeat themselves without our actual consciousness of it. So neat!

Sept 4 2025 category 4 hurricane destroy muami. Heard alexa Amazon say  it on tik tok. 

 Yesterday driving home I asked myself  "is it possible that life is going well for me right now?" and I really thought about what that means and looks like. Instead of creating problems or expecting life to be this hectic and stressful event constantly, life can actually be good. 

I create stress and problems with everything I do. 

Food isn't healthy enough, so I create stress around eating
I'm not doing a good enough job, so stress is created
Relationships aren't satisfying, stress is created

etc etc etc

But there's an expectation to that, a familiar energy, that can be changed

It's so hard to articulate it properly

But, life can just flow

Every second doesn't need to be thought of so deeply, things don't need to be read into as much

Life can simply be okay. Life can be going well. Relationships can be good, work can be going well, things can be okay. 

The worst thing a woman can be is DIRTY 

 I will be heart led.

Each morning I will wake up and breath, with my hand over my heart
Ask myself - what does my heart WANT? What does it FEEL? What does it NEED?

Not my head. Not my logic. Not my anxiety. My heart.
The space where love lies. 
The space where connection lies.

The mind/head is where disconnect happens, where ego and individualism come in

But the heart is different. The heart doesn't care about that stuff. It just wants to be love. So it needs to be nurtured and put on a pedastal.

What does my heart need today in order to be felt, satisfied, and heard? 
What can I do to be in alignment with my heart?
How can I be heart-led today?

🧩🧩

Bought non alcoholic wine for the first time tonight, pretty good honestly!

I don't know what I am doing and instead of that being a trigger or an upset or cause for insecurity I have the power to change it around and to learn and grow and ask questions and be curious. Maybe it'll help others Grow too.  Maybe instead of hiding the parts of me that I feel are lacking I need to be honest about them and forthright so that they hold less power. 

🧩 

 During my monday meditation practice I realized that I have been living too much in my head and need to connect with my heart. It's my heart that I need to be paying more attention to and let guide me.