I have spent an inordinate about of time reading past blog posts, searching for sparks of inspiration or words that fit. But in doing so, I realized I am reinforcing old ways of thinking and old beliefs that no longer serve me. Perhaps never served me. Ones I am ready to get rid of. 

New Beliefs:

-I physically strong, I am capable of accomplishing goals and maintaining weight 
-I am healthy in my habits. I give my body what it needs, listen to cravings and cues, and nourish my body with healthy ways to satisfy what I want and need.
-I am worthy. Despite awkwardness, bitchiness, not knowing references, etc.'
-I belong. In social settings, in friendship circles, in groups. I belong and have a unique perspective that I bring to the table. 
-I am okay just as I am. I do not need to know it all, be up to date with pop culture, know all the historical events or funny memes. I am okay without all those things. I am okay because I exist, I breathe, I am alive.
-I can be loved despite what i've experienced. I can be loved BECAUSE of what I experienced. I have perspective and experience and wisdom.
-I will not be held down by money. Money is not limited in my life. There are multiple ways to make money, and I will find those ways and pay off my student loans so I can be independent. 

Old Beliefs:

-I am not good enough. I am not capable of being fit or fast. I am slow and too far behind. I can't catch up.
-I am boring. I am shy, and uncultured, and awkward. People don't like being around me because I am not good at conversations. I don't understand things. 
-I am not worthy of love, friendship, connection. I am not capable of it. I have flaws and bitchiness, awkwardness, brokenness that gets in the way.
-I am meant to be sad and lonely. Some people are meant to be sad and depressed. Some people are meant to be happy. It's balance in the universe. I am meant to be the darkness in order for others to shine their light.
-I am stuck because of money. I can't have the things I want because I owe money and cannot afford full independence.

This is constantly changing but I am SO excited to start this journey.
I keep reading that you must first believe you have what you want already in order to obtain it. You must believe that you have the qualities you want to possess. Example: I wanted to lose weight and get fit, and I first had to believe that I was capable of running, already a healthy eater, someone who possessed the qualities of a fit person. It all started with mindset, not physical action. 

I am excited to work more on these beliefs and work daily, weekly, etc to set more specific goals and explore what it is that fuels me, what I need and want, etc.

Rebirth

It's dark

My eyes are open but I still feel asleep

I have layers upon layers of plastic covering my skin
My cells have nowhere to go
They're stuck
I am stuck

If someone touches me, I will break into a thousand pieces

I chant need
And ache

I am pained and I am numb and I am getting swept up by the ocean

I do not care at all whether I drown

\\

I have rescued myself

It is the first day of the rest of my life
And I have never lived before this

I am sharing my lungs
I am dripping my sweat
Sewed my skin to the earth
Breathing and flowing and connected

I am catching rainbows on my tongue
Sweet and tender
Sunlight beams from my eye lids

I am growing and I am here and I am ready

Reflecting on the past week of so because I haven't been the most consistent with writing down the accomplishments

Sunday June 21: Biked 10 miles w John, had crab leg dinner with Dad
Monday June 22: Spoke up on the check in call, Harvested lettuce from the garden!!!!, went to Alvethorpe Park (never been) with Dad
Tuesday June 23: Went on long walk at the Canal with Kelly, read 1 chapter of Quit like a Woman by Holly Whitaker (current book)
Wednesday June 24: Met up with Sam and went on a walk with him at Bethayres, read 1 chapter of book.
Thursday June 25: Walked to 5 below, did my walk/jog at Bethayres, Jogged 5 miles, read 1 chapter of book.

These are mostly athletic accomplishments but I will start keeping track of all accomplishments :)

(Intro/Overview)
So I want to start journaling again because I think it's good to process thoughts, vent about shit that goes on, and remind myself of the positive aspects of myself and my day. I want to use this as a place to put all my thoughts, no matter what they are, but I want to focus my journal on positivity and creative expression. I've grappled with the thought of doing one of those writing challenges where you write about a different thing everyday, or every week, but we'll see what happens. I just think for a long time I made the decision not to process my thoughts because they were scary or uncomfortable or just hard to sit with, but i'm at the point in my life now where I owe it to myself to do those things, and really feel and process my emotions. So this is me starting.

I have been in quarantine since March 10 officially. I have been working from home and not really going places bc everything is closed. Basically, things i've done in quarantine are:
-Play Jackbox
-Facetime/Houseparty
-Play 21 questions
-Paint by numbers
-Pastels
-Reading (sorta)
-Coloring Books
-Gardening
-Cooking (as usual)
-Walking/Jogging
-Go to the park w/ Kelly (and eat Sushi)
-Meditation/stretching

I have been doing a lot of meditation, trying to focus on the positive. I've stopped drinking, feeling more pure and awake, in tune with myself. It feels good. I want to hold onto to that feeling. It's something I know is good for me and I want to continue doing things that are good for me instead of going against myself, creating dissonance.

As I continue to listen to myself, my thoughts, my gut, my body, etc, I have been looking for the positive side of things. I have been finding lessons in the small things, in the simple things, in the natural things we pass by every single day without paying any mind to. I remembered that I have a voice and I can use it, even if it's just for myself and the satisfaction of knowing that I have created something. It's been silenced inside of me for a long time, and I really want to work with MYSELF to nurture it again and bring it to the forefront. Where my voice doesn't shake, where I fit neatly into the lines, sure of myself. I know I can get there, I just need to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable. And I am finally ready for that. Here's to.

I have so much more to do and so much more growth to experience, but I want to give myself credit for what I've done. Quarantine has been hard for a lot of people, but it's been good for me.

• I stopped drinking
• I started walking and will slowly start running
• I have a health diet and skin care routine
• I started cold showering 
• My music choices are slowly changing from hard, masculine, angry to calm, feminine, smooth 
• I am gardening and even tho I don't know what i'm doing, i'm trying, and learning along the way
• I took my jealousies and told myself that instead of being less than, I am be equal to

The other day I found a bunch of old tumblr writings. I found one I especially liked that said "Somewhere, in the chaotic mass of energy and atomic particles, there is a small hole waiting to be filled. a small hole waiting for me to shine my own unique lightness, hue, and color. Somewhere, the world is waiting for me." and then I watched a TED talk the next day and the last words were "There is a You-shaped hole in the universe"

How do I let go?

Of boxes 

Of notions 

Of the suffocating space in empty open rooms

Of backaches 

Of wondering 

How do you become air when you feel like the only shape you know how to occupy is lead?