truth is.

Something that is Anything meaning Everything in a world of Nothing.

(UTTERNONSENSE) I am invisible. I am a grain of pink sand among a million other pieces of tan sand. Unseen in the sunlight and completely hidden in the night. Unnoticeable to those above, and to all others a mere a brief sight that is seen and gone and then forgotten in an instant. Brief colors that pass your eyelids and blend in with the foundation under ones toes. Nobody is out there searching for me. Nobody misses me when I am not there. I don't cause holes to be made. I don't fill the void. I don't come close to anything. I am weak. Nobody understands me. Nobody ever will understand me. I am alone. We are all alone. But I am alone. Alone in my thoughts. alone in the wrath of this. Alone in the darkness. Alone in the sunlight. It never goes away. False optimism is not enough. Diving with your eyes closed is too risky. Nothing is worth it but everything is hanging. I am brewing. Boiling. Fizzling. My water is escaping. The plant growing from the depths of my being is over growing itself. It’s becoming bigger than I and bigger then I know how to deal with. I don't belong anywhere. I never feel like people want me to stick around. I am weak. I don't do this right. I don't do anything right. I walk and never get anywhere. There are words in my head but they don't translate to my enamel. Nothing translates and then everything is grey again.

What once was a small, hopeful, dreamy girl, has disappeared into the darkness. Everything is a struggle. Everything takes too much energy. Nothing is enjoyable because there are no comfort holes anywhere. They’re all gone. Every single fucking comfort zone is gone. I don't know how to get back to my normal shape. I don't know if I have a normal shape. I am in desperate need. Optimism takes over my psyche when I choose to become blind. But it never stays because I am always brought back here. I am always transported down the elevator into this hollow place. At the bottom of this, there are things that have been packaged and stored away. For lifetimes. For a decade. They are like little monsters that release their venom in small amounts. Small enough so you can't feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. A whole world of hurt and pain and the buying of the notions that nobody ever chose to try and reverse. If this happens to every person, then what's the point of it all? If we all grow up to believe in notions that aren't true and we need to overcome them, where's the beauty in that? I don't see any beauty. I see pure human error. Error in the way we were created. It’s a pretty bad error, though, considering what it does to a person. Think about it. It brought me here.

It brought me here to you.

To your unwavering trust and your constant rejection of the way life really is. This is your fault. It’s you who brought me here. It’s you who showed me this place. It’s you who I became. I crawl in my skin. I ache to get away from you. I scream forever inside. I can't forgive you. I can't get rid of the pictures. I can't overcome this. Your many faces. I clung to one of them. I clung so immensely to it. And so easily, too. So naively. Not understanding what this life was. What this place was. Where you were as opposed to where you wanted to be. And it has never left me. Everything has just covered up what is there. But there is nothing left to cover it up. There’s nothing to mask it. I felt your sorrow. I felt your loss. I felt your pain. I didn't just observe it. I became you. I watched from far away and I observed from closer up. I felt it in the marrow of my bones. The blackness seeping so far down. And I didn't realize I was doing it. I was a sponge and you were my water. I had bought the notion that this was what happiness looks like. I had bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. That you weren't good enough. and neither was I. I had bought that notion that everybody that is called your father is supposed to stand from far away and watch as you disintegrate into the pavement.
Constantly fearful of who you allow to see your eyes. Constantly fearful of time because it was never on the right side. And it still hasn't become that way. One after another. They came and went as if they were just visitors. People who didn't know their way around and were asking for directions. But while asking for directions, they thought you would be a good tour guide. And for reasons I don't think I’ll find out for a long while, they left. And again, I bought the notion that nobody was good enough to love. Because you weren't. Which meant that we weren't. Which meant that I wasn’t. Because I was you. And I had felt the sorrow in the marrow of my bones. And the darkness seeped into the places it hadn't yet reached. And I became buried. Consumed. And as it was happening, I had no idea. Because I had bought the notion that this was the way life was supposed to be. I had bought the notion that this is what happiness is. I had bought the notion that was nothing else to life except for this constant cycle of come and go. Nothing different, and everybody else. Constant reattachment of limbs. Constant pulling of muscles. The constant voluntary (and extremely naively) (because after all, I was just a sponge)) openness of the gates to the keeper of it all.

At first it was different. At first I was on your side. At first I was 100% you. Because I knew nothing else. Nobody told me different. Nobody had told me it was a no instead of a yes. Nobody told me that people would leave. Nobody told me that everybody I would come to trust would leave me. So I bought the notion that this cycle was going to go on for the rest of my life. I bought the notion that I could not escape it. And it was so uncomfortable. My mind was telling me no. no no no. no. And as I began to buy more and more of this notion, I began to buy less and less of you. I questioned your motives. I questioned your state of mind. The even, bolded, thick lines of trust and comfort that had formed when I became you for those few years were leaving me. I was leaving you. And because I was leaving you and everybody else that you would involve yourself with, I was alone. I came to a wall. A really thick wall with millions of bricks. None of them were cracking. The cement in between the bricks was so evenly and neatly placed. It’s meant to be there, I thought. I grew comfortable with the wall. Really comfortable with it. And because I was leaving you and I was leaving everybody else, I was leaving myself. I was leaving the person that was affected by the causes and covering it up with a huge wall of bricks. And the good thing, at the time, was that I had no way of getting passed the bricks. So for years and years and years I forgot about trying to get passed it. I always knew it was there. It never left. It was always a factor of everything I did. But I never tried to escape it. I never tried to open the door again. And so I pushed. More. I grew distant and cold. And nobody tired hard enough to unlock me. I grew away from you. And because I was growing away from the only person I had ever fully allowed myself to be, I grew away from everybody else. And everybody was just a distant and dusty figurine standing lonely on the shelves of my life. And nobody ever came in to clean them off. Nobody tired hard enough. Nobody understood that I did not know any better than to just absorb all of the water I could find. Because it was water, and I was thirsty. And I was thirsty because I was hungry. Hungry to feel whole again. Hungry to find a way out of here. Hungry for somebody else that had new lines and shapes.

Somebody I didn't know.
Somebody that wasn't rotting inside of my bone marrow.
Somebody that was nothing like the person you were.

I was gone. And oh, you were gone too. I was dissociated from everything I had ever thought I knew. From the dinners in pairs of 3. From the days at the park. From the picnics. I was gone. I wasn't in the world anymore. I fell off of it. And nobody had the right touch to bring me back. I had shut off. I had become another stone wall. Everything would bounce off of me. Nothing would absorb into my skin cells. I was stuck in the darkness.

I am stuck in the darkness.

I question your motives. I question your well being. I question everything I have ever known about you. I am no longer you. I never again will be you. I never again will buy the notion that the way you have lived your life is the way that life is supposed to be lived. I will never again buy the notion that your mother is the person you should look up to, respect, and trust. I never even did that. I was just a sponge. And everybody else was like dishes. But the thing is, it's like everybody knew. All those people. All the life styles. All of the eyes and the smiles. It’s like they knew what they were doing and what they were doing to me. They helped me get to this place. They saw the darkness in me that not even my own mother saw. And they felt sorry. I know they did. Comfort with everything was thrown out the window. It floated in the wind, and is now sitting on a cloud somewhere far, far away from here. Somewhere I would like to be because it is better than this. There is too much darkness here. There are no lights on in the reverse anymore. There never were lights on. And I don't know you. And you don't know me. And you don't care to know me. You don't care about anything. You don't understand me or yourself or anyone else. And you deserve to be shunned for it. I will not feel sympathy. Sympathy is what brought me here. Because I was you and I felt your sorrow. You will never change and I will never forgive you. You ruined me completely. But you allowed me to see actual life.

But I need to leave your wrath. I need to leave your lopsided views and your constant hypocrisy. I need to let go of this. I need to let go of the you I know you to be and the you I want you to be. I need to look at you from an outside view. Need to be on my own. Unable to have you as a support system. Comfort was never formed and you never tried hard enough because you don't know how to form comfort within yourself, either. I hate you. I hate what you allowed to happen to my young psyche. But you did the best you could with the knowledge you knew. But I will never forgive you. I will never be able to forget the nights where I felt the sorrow seep into my bones. I will never forget the first time I realized that I was you. Plain and simple. I saw myself completely in you. And that's when I was no longer human. I lost sight of who I wanted to be and who I was supposed to be and who I really was. Nothing mattered as long as I wasn't you. Never. I can never get to that point. I never want to be in that position. Overexposure to things I was never supposed to see has haunted me. It’s like a monster that releases small amounts of venom into my being. Small enough to not feel it but strong enough to feel the effects. You are a monster who breeds other monsters. You have no sight. You have destroyed the person I used to be but that is no longer. I wish to retire. I wish to leave your wrath and face the many masks I used to think were just one face but learned to treat otherwise. I will overcome you. you are the floor leader to the floor in which i am escaping. this will be no longer.