what's cool though is being able to put myself outside of myself. i am able to almost take a mental picture of the person i am running away from. and in my head there's a kind of cookie cutter mold that i've created. that's all physical though, i suppose. but i guess once the right mindset takes hold the right physical features do too. well, hopefully. what really could happen is that i hopelessly end up searching for something that i've created in my own head but that doesn't really exist in real life.

why is it that i'm always having to tell everyone everything? not things about my life really, but things to tell or show them that i really am putting my all into this? is it because people don't show me that they outwardly get it or is just that i'm afraid they never will because i'll never believe or show it? i'm confused. i guess i just wish people would come hang around for awhile. it's always back to this same feeling. once i'm wrapped in the blanket of you, i want you. but once you're gone it's no longer there. i guess i'm just thirsty. why is it so easy to blind yourself? why is it that we are able to do things to ourselves consciously without ever wanting to? that's extremely counter-productive. wouldn't it be so much easier if we were never inclined to act on those thoughts? doesn't that slow the progression?