iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
iamacastlewall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall
i am a castle wall.
i am a castle wall.
I AM A CASTLE WALL.


why am i so desensitized to this?
i'm not quite sure i understand.
maybe i'm too much of a complex thinker.
maybe this could just be a simple thing.
to get up and walk away would be too easy.
is what i really need to stay here? is this the beast that i have been avoiding?
is this the be all end all of this era? should i continue? how am i supposed to know?
where do i go from here? do i need to go anywhere at all?
my problem is that you make me melt.
and i don't want to be frozen anymore.
but does that answer the question? is that the final answer?
what is the real difference between a yes and a no?
too many questions. not enough answers. i need others to see my eyes.
i'm not ready for these chains. i'm not ready for cemented feet.
is there some middle ground that can be achieved here?
i suppose equilibrium cannot be that hard to find
then again....
i've closed my blinds one too many times.
others open their windows when i close my blinds.
i do not make any sense.

i feel angry.
i don't like immaturity. i don't like lack of human decency. i don't like ambiguity. i don't like feeling hardened. i don't like these walls. i don't like the way i freeze. is this really who i am or is this just the rawness?

self destruction or internal human progression?

sometimes i feel like i'm the only one who has this problem...

things always linger, though.
like picture frames in front of drooping eye lids.
my life is nothing but a fucking carousel.
i switch spots sometimes. switch horses. switch animals.
i experience new comfort zones, but pass the same atmosphere after every rotation.
some periods are shorter or faster. longer or slower. some are almost invisible.
existential carousel.

my progression is masked by cocoons.
one day, i'll be a beautiful purple butterfly
but is that the problem? is the problem that i'm waiting for something greater and not forcing it to happen now? i think i'm really only doing this to myself.
well. of course i am. nobody else has the control. the power. but if nobody else has the power than why do i so often feel powerless?
ugh. lopsided. confused. unfiltered.
i need release.
the sun is out and i need a fucking release.
someone needs to wake me up. something needs to shake me up.
i need to feel something deep. startling. captivating.
this river isn't running deep enough yet.
yet?
that implies longer periods of fake time in the near future.
hmm.

it lingers. i linger. i wait. i stare. i stay quite.
nothing translates. gray is everywhere. walls are everywhere. walls are becoming me. walls are consuming me. walls ive never seen before. roots are growing. roots are being uncovered. hall ways full of darkened light. a self portrait stained in red.

i retract. i retract an extreme amount.
i turn inward. i begin to crawl in my skin.
I FUCKING SETTLE.
i am frustrated
i am lost
lostlostoashdkasydguiqeyt
what am i looking for?
WHY AM I ALWAYS FUCKING SEARCHING FOR SOMETHING
WHY!?

maybe duality isn't what i'm looking for.
maybe i'm looking to be healed
by someone else
who really can't help me.
nobody can help me unless i can help myself
first.
but what do i need to be healed from? is acceptance not enough?
is acceptance the beginning or the end? does it denote the end result? do the ends REALLY justify the means?

life moves in cycles, waves, and phases. happiness is never a constant. contentment has never seemed to exist. perhaps i deem it impossible, somehow? perhaps i cause this whole thing to begin with.
i do things that are so fucking obvious.
the funny thing is that you want to read me like a book
without knowing that you already do.
my roots don't run deep at all. i don't extend to places i probably should.
repetition of common themes.
feelings
emotions
people
situations.

when will life change?
if i am release from my external cage will i feel a release of the internal?
will i stutter or will i stride? or will i stutter while i stride?

i need to solidify myself.
there's too much redundancy here. i don't retain anything. i dont feel anything. i am disassociated. i am desensitized. i am washed up.
i i i i i i i i.
we? no. no. no.
i can't do that. i can't do that right now.
who am i? what color am i? which way do my legs really want to walk? which way does my mouth really want to move when i talk? my eyes don't really tell you how i feel. my neutral face is neutral for a reason. i am numb.
i can't do this. i need to escape this. i'm not ready for this.

things contradict themselves too much. i need some form of clarity and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to find it. does an over abundance of experience cause human expansion? or is it just in the mindset?
i suppose i am going into all of this blind.
i am extremely vulnerable
but at the same time
so incredibly walled.

perhaps sobriety is the best form of power.
maybe that's just what i really need.
or maybe just some fucking simplicity.
if i try not to think about things i feel lost within myself.
i feel distant from the person i am deep inside.
if i continue to think in the patterns i do i self destruct.
walls and emotions and statures and lingering affects
they all just build and build and build and build.
do i strive off chaos just as much as you do?
am i really just walking in your foot steps?
no. i can't bare that thought.

goals are needed
external life is needed
i need to escape this internal cage
cages evvvvvverywhere.


rat rat rat a tat rat rat in a cage cage.