catch up

many things i need to address. yay rants and filtration.

life lately has felt like a roller coaster. i'm so on and off with my feelings and solidification has felt very far away. but i think with due time, and especially by spring break, things will have placed themselves nicely in some sort of pattern.

i'm really hoping i get into temple so i can just get it off my shoulders. the ambiguity of my future right now is making me so uneasy. it's always in the back of my head. i wish i knew what i wanted or what i thought was 100% right for me but i'm not as well rounded as i thought. in some ways i feel like i'm disinitigrating into the pavement and i need to pull myself up. in some ways i'm more than ready to leave here and go to college but in a lot of other ways i don't feel like i am ready at all. these are weird times. i thought that i've felt lopsided before but i REALLY feel lopsided right now. with almost everything. i have no idea what im looking for as far as a group of friends goes, or a boyfriend/steady commitment, or what major to pick....agh.

hmm. this is seriously unstructured. i guess that's fitting though, lol.
i feel like college is going to be so wild. the experiences i am having so far, without even being in college, are pretty crazy. like drunken friends in hot tubs and boys with boxers and awkward horny kids and sex to dubstep behind maroons curtains and dance parties and strobe lights and way too much dancing and watching as the people around you consume each others energies and suck each others faces off. hahaha.

i feel, sometimes, like i am an innocent bystander to the story that would be my life.
all of my friend groups (or, most) are merging together. and everybody is hooking up with everybody. it's hillarious.

i can feel myself becoming emotionally invested now. hmm. odd. i'm seriously not used to this and very desensitized still but i don't have anything bad to say about it really. well, there have been some dumb lapses in judgment but i have those too with other aspects of life so there's no reason to stay angry. and besides, surface diving gets really boring after awhile, anyways. i think this is the part where the butterflies start to come. or, around where.

progression is interesting to witness, watch, and feel.

prom prom prom prom promanade. i'm really excited but realllllly nervous for prom. i can't wait to find my dress. agh. it's weird how serious this is for me. i guess because ive never been to a prom before and i'm going to be in a gown and it's something i'll always remember. if things happen in the way i think they will, this should be a really perfect night. a really elegant night. a really special night. yeah, special a good word. we shall see, i suppose.

ive been marijuana free for a week now. feels great. i feel more aware of things and definitely a lot healthier. and, i have crazy ass dreams. well, i always have crazy dreams but for awhile i hadn't really remembered them. yeah.

i also need to lay low for awhile. stop going to parties and shit. i need to regain some kind of cohesiveness with my parents again. i just keep spiraling spiraling spiraling downward and i know theyre on their last nerve with me. i said i was trying but perhaps i'm really not trying hard enough. i shouldn't be harboring such a "coulda woulda shoulda" mindset, either. i shouldn't be so afraid of missed opportunities because the ones i'm experiencing are making me walk two steps backward, i think.

well, some..not all of course.

i realized that i consume so much energy but i never give energy. i need to be more open if i want things to fall into place. i need to give a little to get a little. give a lot to get a lot. i am in complete control of my reality now. this is my life. this is my body. this is my time. i need to get up and get goingggggggg. no more excuses. no more time wasted.

i can't wait until this term paper is over so school can be doneee. im excited for the open space. that way i can fully focus on things that i want to improve on, learn, do, and create. order needs to be restored before then, but i think it could happen some how some way.

taking summer classes at psu abington i think. good and bad but i guess it's mostly good even though i'm not too excited for it. but like i saiddddd, order needs to be restored.

i think i just need a fresh start. everything is so washed up and stale now. i need a new school to start fresh at. a clean slate. new people to meet, a new gpa to raise, new opportunities to seize. but it's coming soon soon very sooon so it's alright.

i really want a monroe and i keep thinking about it but my mom would kill me. meh. lame. eventually i'll get one. eventually my life will be so different and same with the person i am. it's so weird to think about that though. i am only 18. i wonder what i'll be like in another 18 years.

well, tomorrow will be a very interesting day. it's my bed time now, i'm beat.

modest mouse shall sing me to sweeeeep.