i am insanely self destructive. i am trapped in my own cob webs. i have created a cage for myself. i have drowned myself in my own made up misery.

why do i sit alone in the darkness? why do i learn towards sadness, depression, and anger? i don't understand. i swear on my life i really don't. something is preventing me from being happy. something is blocking the way. something is covering me, slowly suffocating me.I

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS THAT IS DOING THIS TO ME.

i feel like i am going to be forever stuck here. Even when happiness ensues for a short while, this feeling is still always sitting underneath it all.
i need to figure this out. i need to crack. break. spill. SOMETHING. i really don't know. my life is just the same thing over and over again. everyday i feel the same and when i try to change it never works.

WHAT ABOUT HAPPINESS?

will there ever be a time in my life where i feel 100%, truly and completely happy? CONTENTED? I don't know but I really hope so. I have completely lost what it's going to take to get there because i don't know where it is rooted anymore. Is this because of me? did i cause this? is this beause of my mother? my father? my step father? i need OUT OF HERE. i need white flags. i am surrounded by walls that feel like theyre suffocating my existence.
there is something wrong here.

for one, why do i always come back to this same fucking spot? why do i always push people away because i don't feel like i deserve their love? better yet, how come i can't ever believe that someone actually cares for me? and why can't i give them love back. what's wrong with me? where did i go? where did my life go? where did my want to learn and love and be loved an be open go? i feel like i've completely regressed. i was once a happy child. I always roamed around, made stories of everything i found. and I was smart. I interacted with people much older than me. There were people out there wanting me and almost needing me before i coluld even grasp that concept. but where has that person gone? i just don't understand how i got here. I'm a solid shell. I don't move inside. I am stiff and unchanged. I am neutral. I don't know where my being went. I feel stale and uninterested. I have no excitement inside of me. It's all forced. It's all just an act. I don't feel like i am meant to be happy. I don't feel like it's in my being. I wasn't made to be happy. I don't think i ever was and i'm not sure if i ever will be.

but that's my fault isn't it? if i believe that i am worth it and believe i should be loved wouldnt i have accepted it already? would i let people close to me? would i let people in at all? if i liked myself more would i have already been there?

i fucking hate this cycle. i dont know how to end it. i feel like i need to talk to someone. i feel like there is something deep inside me i am not addressing. i feel like i need help. i want to feel new, fresh, revitalized.

how do i do this? how do i obtain happiness? how do i get to a place where i'm self confident? how do i get to a place where i can accepts peoples interest and friendship? i'm pushing everyone because i can't accept their accordance. (platonic and those otherwise). i'm tired of this. but how do i stop it if i don't know what to do. i don know.

i'm lost. i feel fucking alone and lost and i don't know what to do
I WANT TO WAKE TO A WORLD OF SOLIDIFIED HOLES AND NO MORE SILENCE.


i need to get the fuck out of here. i'm growing physically uncomfortable. this needs to end. right fucking now.