A bunch of horribly articulated thoughts.

I want to voice my thoughts but I have no thoughts. Words on white mean nothing do nothing say nothing go nowhere. I take my parents issues and for some reason subconsciously channel it into negative energy towards myself. I am not sure why I do this.  I open myself slightly but then close myself again and lock the doors before giving the key away. The reason for this behavior is insecurities; not feeling good enough, lack of confidence, feeling that I do not deserve love. This is most likely a result of so many encounters with unrequited love but only holds significance because I give it so much credit. What is nothing was given much significance? I guess life wouldn't be worth living. There are a lot of things I want to learn about but I do not have a good way of going about doing it. I need to split my time evenly between a bunch of things; effectively gaining ground in multiple areas to become rounded, solidified, and stable. I must learn to do things on my own, and understand the way life works completely. I must find my place in the world quickly and absorb all the knowledge there is to know about the government, world history, and how the world and people work generally. A lot of my time is spent figuring out how to spend my time. A lot of my time is spent trying to change myself. Trying to morph myself into the person I believe I should be. Is the person I want to be different from the person I am ultimately to become? Can they ever be the same? If you don't determine fully who you become, then who does? I need independence if I want to go anywhere. Somewhere, deep inside, I am still the shy girl afraid to talk to waitress at a restaurant when ordering dinner. Hesitation happens at any form of extroverted consciousness.

There is so much I want to say but my thoughts carry no mouths, just legs.
When will I stop asking myself what I am doing, and just do it?
There is no right and wrong in life. There is no should. There is no right way to live as long as you are still progressing forward. A person can do whatever they want. There is no cycle you need to live by, no clothes you need to buy, no lifestyle you need to abide by. But we are tangled in the webs of capitalism....atleast here in the US. and generally, we are strangled by the webs of government. But we would be the same with a lack of government too. We are free within our own human confines, within our own limitations and once we learn to fly at an even pace across the sky, we will learn the tricks.
The only limitations that really limit you are the law and your own mental strings born from life events that one places too much meaning on. We allow things to shape us just like we allow things to fall off our shoulders and onto the group. Eventually, we allow our water to be evaporated back into the air, only later letting it drench us and nourish us from the hot, hot sun.

There is so much I need to say but I don't know how, there's so much.
so much.

I want snuggles

I need a fucking boy with facial hair.

where you attttttttttttttttt!?

everybody masturbates after a night of smoking weed.

we are so weird about sexuality. we want to keep it a secret, as if we are almost ashamed. but at the same time, subtly like to flaunt it. we are both conservative and liberal on the subject. the reality is though, that everybody has a libido which is stimulated in basically the same way for everyone. once you find an easy medium for that, everybody is going to want it. it;s hard to resist innate tendency.

diiiiirection

(hello hello hello)

(????!!!!)

ENJOY THE ONE YOU'RE WITH

I always have to remind myself that there is no right way to live life. That I don't NEED to go to college right now, or have my life figured out, but just that I do SOMETHING thing with my life and keep progressing forward. The world is an open place for me now. I can do what I want, go where I want to go. I am not restricted by any type of strings, except for the ones I create in my head. Monotonous cultural structure ruins the thirst for life and vastness of simple living!

I need to gain internal security, forget these insecurities, and rid myself of fear.

you are not mine
and I am not yours
and that is okay
please don't judge me.

1. 
   

people you're proud of in a comfortable environment.



hapinesssss

cuteiewithfacialhairwhereareyoupleaseshowupatsomecompletelyrandomtimeandmakemefeelalltheswellingiwanttofeelagaintogetherletssinksinksinkandsimulataneouslyevaporatetogethertogether to get her

ohh, I want to swell

I just want to know what the root of loneliness is and why it occurs when you least expect it

I cannot begin to think about what it would be like for myself to split into two again. as if I have lost the feeling from being clothed for so long. it's like naked is an unknown concept, and I do nothing but cleanse my plastic skin without taking it off.

The water never gets hot enough to burn it away. I sit there for hours but am provided no relief.

Sometimes the sun whispers its prayers to me. But I ignore her because if she wanted the removal of the shield from all object, she would make it happen. But she doesn't. She knows that there is no such thing as penetration, as deep sea diving, unless the opposite in itself exists.

You cannot go down unless you go up. But you can go up without coming down.

lips raw
wanting the familiar but shy rhythm of someone elses skin
particles mixing and then evaporating into thin air.

fingerprints mark their territory,
only seen from a side angle,
all along my skin

the slight gaze of lips on lips.
a feeling I used to know well,
skin compiled on skin,
seeping deeper into the ocean.

we get lose in the haze
but it feels so good.
drinking ourselves in,
as if we are dehydrated
from the years long drought.

i have never opened my arms this wide
but time determines the tide.
I slip away, further to the bottom.
wishing, aching, for the flood to come
and open the gates again.

the water spills and we escape,
swimming ruthlessly through the windows,
yearning to catch the evaporated pixels
richocheying off the window sills.

if ever there were moment,
this would be it.
________________________________________________
* slightly remastered *

My lips are raw, wanting the familiar but shy rhythm of someone else's skin and the particles mixing and then evaporating into thin air. Slowly, fingerprints mark their territory, only seen from a side angle, all along my skin.  The slight gaze of lips on lips; a feeling I used to know well. And as skin compiles on skin, we seep deeper into the ocean. We get lost in the haze, but it feels so good. Drinking ourselves in, as if we are dehydrated from the years long drought. I have never opened my arms this wide, but time determines the tide. I slip away, further to the bottom. Wishing, aching, desperately for the flood to come and open the gates again. And eventually the water spills and we escape, swimming ruthlessly through the windows,

yearning to catch the evaporated pixels that richochey off the window sills.

If ever there were moment, this would be it.

a free mind is a nourished mind.
a nourished mine is a healthy mind.
a healthy mind is a confident mind.
a confident mind is happy mind.

one can never take a woman's knees for granted. The first time you see a woman's knees it's like she has undressed herself in the purest of sunlight. Right there in front of you are her legs, strong and sturdy, holding her up at all times, even when she feels weak enough to collapse. A woman's knees tell you everything about her. A woman's knees are begging to be touched.

I am awesome simply because of the things I do for people, not who I actually am.

housed within the cocoon of today.
warmed by the heavy protective blankets.
that were draped over me by mother,
I choose to turn my back to the light,
never wanting to escape
this warm and comfort
of this very day.

If I was confident, I could have anyone I wanted.


ANYONE
I
WANTED

I said I wasn't lonely but I think it's all a lie.
I am nothing BUT lonely....

it's as if I am housed in a glass box, watching the world move around me. watching lovers entwine, smiles broaden, and knowledge being learned. I watch as people make ground I feel is impossible to cover. I watch as the world passes by me, passes around me. never seeping into my skin. never wishing to penetrate through me, wanting me, calling me willfully to its attention. I stand in the background of this life, effortlessly invisible.

It is such a struggle

eat my plastic skin. tear along the seams of my plastic skin, pulling the invisible threads that connect the skin to the muscle to the bones. bathe me in boiling water. cleanse my skin and let it evaporate into thin air; forever invisible, no longer a barrier to the outside word. get rid of this horrid shield suffocating me, depriving me of the oxygen I so desire. cut my plastic skin, expose my insides, and pull them all out of me. leave me empty, longing, blank. leave me blank.

just. come take it all away. come clogged the drains with your clumps of hair left in the shower from numerous morning showers, becoming more frequent. make the water spill over the counter and onto the flood. keep showering. let the water accumulate to the ceiling, eventually bursting the glass windows and spilling out everywhere. watering the grass, saturating the scorching earth, evaporating once more into the air. recycled water, recycled feelings. come spill the water onto the floor and as it rises above our heads, come drown in it with me. eyes wide open.

endless masturbation to cure excruciating stress.

short term relief from a semi-long term feeling