maybe it wasn't that I had a lack of feeling for you. Maybe I had so much feeling that I didn't want to feel it and instead I buried it so I wouldn't feel it or notice it in an attempt to not get hurt so that you could hurt first because there is nothing in this world that could be worse than the powerless feeling that comes with someone else hurting you so maybe I actually liked you more than I could even say or feel or acknowledge as the truth.

If we are not our emotions then ultimately that means we are our lack of emotions- we are the being within us that exists when a lack of emotion is present. but is it thought that creates emotion or is it emotion that creates thought? and if we are not what we feel on a changing dynamic daily basis, then who are we and what does it mean to be our "true selves"? if we are not what we feel, then are we what we think about?

love is a cosmic experience. connection of any sort is a cosmic experience that is rooted heavily in the mixing of energy fields.

we all live in a different house.
my chewing gum is going stale
I lost the minty fresh flavor approximately 2 and a half minutes after
I first put it in my mouth.
So much for new and improved, longer lasting flavor

Can you imagine what ___ would say
-------

You planted seeds in my veins
and the stems are coming out of my eyes

"Because it is possible to create…one has anxiety. One would have no anxiety if there were no possibility whatever. Creating, actualizing one’s possibilities…always involves destroying the status quo, destroying old patterns within oneself. Progressively destroying what one has clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living. If one does not do this, one is refusing to grow, refusing to avail himself of his possibilities; one is shirking his responsibility to himself."

Søren Kierkegaard

we are woven together

my loneliness scares me
it is effortless yet heavy
a tight bubble around my head
expanding and restricting all at the same time

but I love my loneliness
because it is safe here
and I know how it feels
and I am familiar with it

the opposite of my loneliness scares me too
....

"I don't want you to make the wrong decision. I don't want you to miss me after you decide this is over."
"That isn't going to happen."
"..."
"..."

//
"I don't think you could lose yourself even if you tried."
"I already have. I lost myself in you."

what is the irony of my mom living in an apartment in which I used to have sex and make memories?

Questions

does adult love feel like butterflies?
does adult love feel like that subtle pulse of something
new, exciting, and energizing,
running through your veins?
do you feel love in your feet
when you're an adult
and no longer innocent?
is love different when innocent then when not?
what really makes love
pure?
why do some people find love and keep it forever
while some never find it at all
and some find it but then
sink into the ground?
why are some people able to recover quickly?
why do some people never recover?
why is love so powerful?
where did love begin?
what is love?
and why does it have such a hold on us?

*How can I tell you without freaking you out that I want to know everything about you?

there is a powerless
yet simultaneously empowering
feeling
that just occured to me
as I sit in my kitchen
all but one small light

this is my life
this is my
fucking
life
and no matter what the circumstance
it is the only life I will ever
ever
ever
have

and for that simple reason
for that reason alone
it somehow all has
GOT
to be okay

delicate sea.


I just started the creation of something and I am freaking the fuck out about it.

I dont know what this is but it doesn't feel smooth at all and I feel even farther away from the place I am trying to get to. why?

I was in a crowded room and I drowned at the bottom of the sea
a speck of sand
underneath it all.

take it away.

I COULD THROW UP ALL OF MY EMOTIONS
spill everything onto your perfectly cleaned and pressed white shirt
I could drown at the bottom of your swimming pool
and forget and forget and forget the hurt.

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't constantly ache for the feeling of not feeling. Will lines ever feel like theyre perfectly placed and colored in properly? I'm sick of always over thinking over analyzing over stimulating my brain with these worries only to give them a pulse to give them oxygen to breathe alnd run liquid and hot through my body and infect the sunlight with it's darkness. I just want to forget what it feels like to feel inadequate I want to live on top of the sun I want to feel smooth, flow with the wind, glide on top of the ocean instead of sinking sinking sinking at the bottom. My head is an ocean I don't know how to swim out of and I am tangled in the webs of anxiety so tightly bound it almost feels disillusingly comfortable. I wonder if I will ever be able to get it. I wonder if I will be able to dis-identify with my mind the part of my mind that tells me I am my anxiety, I am this pain-body, I am not good enough. If vulnerability to a weakness is not weakness then maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. But every interaction is an endless hill I have to climb and nothing comes easy, not even the ability to breathe this god forsaken free fucking air and i'm tired of not being able to fully feel the breeze through my hair or getting water up my nose because i'm sitting at the bottom of this fucking ocean and all I want to do is float on top of the water and let the sun hit my face and float and believe that nothing will make me drown again because I am human and I know how to float and the water is my friend that will help me when I have the proper tools and it won't bring me back down again to the bottom of this ocean where I can't tell if my eyes are closed or if i'm just living in darkness. when will the need for perfectionism go away and i won't constantly search for that pure white of the sheets I never knew how to keep clean and when will I stop trying to fabricate my words in a way that will make me feel better but the comfort in the fabrication is only more of a reason to cause me anxiety and god damnit if I want to get off this fucking carousel all I need to fucking do is place my feet on a different kind of solid ground. but yet when you spend your life in the blue, denying the red, not even realizing there is a such thing as red like a fish that lives in water like the fish that lives with me in the bottom of the ocean who doesn't know the difference between water and what is really just his natural living environment and oh my god nothing is what it seems and I am not who I am supposed to be but there is nothing anyone is supposed to be I think we just are who we are and I have too many thoughts in my head that I can't turn in to poetry that will move someone that will make me feel love in my feet or close those holes in my chest. I am constantly searching for a way out of this a way out of my fucking head and a way out of this constant second guessing it suffocates me and I am at a lost for words.

I hope my future boyfriend is the type that could have passionate sex to Tool.

Falling in love in your dreams

Fear

Loneliness

Hope/belonging

Scenes from my bedroom

Drinking and driving

Passion

does adult love feel like butterflies? does adult love feel like that subtle pulse of something new, exciting, and energizing, running through your veins? do you feel love in your feet when you're an adult and no longer innocent? is love different when innocent then when not? what really makes love pure? what if you spend so much time trying to fix the person you're with to be someone who caters more to your needs that while doing so you miss out on the real person that actually fits them? why do some people find love and keep it forever while some never find it and some find it but sink into the ground? why are some people able to recover quickly? why do some people never recover? why is love so powerful? where did love begin and why does love have a control on us more than any other emotion?


I can feel you in my feet. Sometimes the way someone coughs reminds me of you. Certain ways a persons feet turn in when they walk is a mirror image of you, just for a second. I walk around with the memories, the characteristics, and even the secondhand mindsets of those who have come and gone.

How can I tell you without freaking you out that I want to know everything about you?

nothing last forever.
the existence of nothing
is the only thing that
is time less.
and even though we imagine nothing
to be empty and meaningless
it is the only thing that is simultaneously
all things
and no things
at the same
exact
time.
it is the only thing
the only living entity
with an ability to exist and
matter
that can hold a secure position
in the real of
forever