things do not happen by chance. you seek them out. we seek things out based on our thoughts. we seek them out based on our wants. we form relations between songs, bands, albums, words, pictures, colors. we form connections between those things and our world. it isn't an accident. it's real. it's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through you.

how do you go there? Can I be vulnerable enough to allow myself to feel your pain? I'm not sure where my pain ends and you begin. I'm not sure where it's supposed to end.

Inside, somewhere, there is a power. I've always loved the quote about how it isn't our darkness we are afraid of, it's our light. It's true. Especially for women. We aren't born in a nurturing world. We aren't told it's okay to take up space. We cross our legs to make room for someone next to us. We take diet pills to shrink. We silence our voices. It's real. It's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through us. And it fucking hurts.

Our world is confusing. It's too complicated. It's too hard. I don't want to be hard anymore. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I'm so sick of looking at my phone constantly. I am so sick of hardening myself to alcohol.  I shock my nervous every time. I am a callous.

I did this to myself. I cannot forget these things. I cannot be mad at myself for these things, but I need really feel these things, truly, deeply, and longingly.

Maybe at one point it's easy to lie to oneself. Maybe it's always easy. I lie to myself everyday. I tell myself it's okay to eat food at 10pm. I tell myself it's okay that I didn't work out today. Or that I'm okay even though I feel like I haven't let out a breath in years. I tell myself I need to settle. That this is all life has for me. That this is all i'm meant for.

Why? Who said that? Who determines that? It's nobody's business. It's nobody's decision.

I need to take the control. I need to find a way to sit inside of the control, feel it, and absorb it, and know it.

Because it's fucking mine. This is all mine. Everything i've ever done, everything i'm left with, it's what I have manifested.

I choose what I put into my body. I choose what I feed my head. I choose if I want to love people or hate people and if I want to let that be a determining factor in how my day is going.

I choose if I should watch netflix or read a book. I choose if I should eat a salad or a cheesesteak. I choose if I should be a vegetarian or an omnivore.

When you're young, you're a victim. You're a result of circumstance. You lack control.

When you're 25 and seemingly independent, you gain control. You assume the responsibility, like it or fucking not. And you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

If you're family is chaotic, rise above. If people decided that they didn't love you, rise above. If people abandoned you, rise above. Circumstance does not dictate value. It's so fucking hard to understand and comprehend it, but it's true.

One person's decision to stop loving you does not mean you are unlovable.

I am a callous and I don't want to be.

I turned myself inside out on purpose. I used to write in here. I used to feel it and I didn't want to feel it. So I stopped. I shut myself off. And now I am a callous.

Now I feel nothing and it tears me apart. But I did this for a reason. I let myself become a callous for a reason. I couldn't continue being vulnerable in an environment that was hurting me.

But now I have the power. And I need to channel the power. Surround myself with things that uplift me. I have to be fucking honest about my life and myself. I have to trust my gut.

I have to stop feeding myself, literally, things that are bad for me. I have to stop making excuses. I have the control. If I do not take the control, I have absolutely no room to complain. Even victim's of circumstance can control how they react.

Being a callous means you know something logically, but you don't feel it emotionally. There is no blood line. There is no heart string.

I'm trying to wonder what the point is. I can't stop asking myself what the point is. And I keep doing that, as if I am not in control.

See; I lose it. It's so easy to lose it.

It's okay to lose it. But you have to get it back.

To be happy is to have control, and feel powerful. I'm 25 and I need to wake up. I can't continue feeding myself negativity. I can't keep bringing down my energy. I have to listen to my body. To my gut.

Control means harnessing the energy.
Control means an internal feeling that isn't dictated by outside forces.
Control means acknowledging that it's okay to feel out of control. Sometimes. Not always.
Control is feeling happy with your body. Flaws and all.

It's not okay to keep shrinking.
It's not okay to keep calloused.