I know I am an alcoholic because I haven't had a drink in over a week and it's 5pm and it's all I can think about.

I also know I am an alcoholic because I get anxious on social settings where getting too drunk would be inappropriate. The anxiety comes from not trusting that I won't end up that way. Examples of these events include work dinners, hanging out with new friends, or potentially having to drive.

There is no such thing as one drink. There is no such things as control or moderation. It isn't about learning these skills, paying attention to my body, slowing down. It's unavoidable. It's all consuming. Once the button is pushed it can't be turned off until it overheats and disengages. Until it breaks temporarily. 

I know I am an alcoholic when I feel like I lost my sense of self relative to social settings because I stopped being sober in them.

I know I am alcoholic because I discreetly drink during situations that make me anxious or uncomfortable. I use alcohol to escape feelings that are triggered by situations.

I know I am an alcoholic because of the one time I started thinking negative thoughts and literally reached over to my night stand to take a sip of my drink, only to realize I didn't have one. Because I was trying not to drink. In that moment I felt like I lost my best friend. This one thing that kept me standing up right.

I know I am alcoholic because the one thing I somehow think keeps me standing upright is actually the one thing that is hindering my forward progress. And that's the trickery of addiction. That's the warped, consumed mindset that happens when something so self descructive is also something that is just so, so, sweet. And it doesn't really matter how many times you forgot yourself, how many times you escaped your brain or your body or both of those things just to engage in life (when you're really not engaging because you're just really forgetting), it doesn't matter how much money you spend, how many friendships you ruin, how much your gut is begging you to stop, the little bit of positivity that comes from that first drink, and then all the millions of drinks after it, exceeds all of that.

I know I am alcholic when alcohol becomes poetic. When alcohol is romanticized. When drinking of the train is my idea of fun. When being drunk in public is exciting because no one know. When drinking feels rebellious. When being drunk and hardened and calloused and closed is the vibration that's most familiar.

I know I am alcoholic. And that means I have to stop drinking. And I know I am an alcoholic because I don't want to stop drinking, despite knowing it is the best decision I could probably make for myself.

I know I am an alcoholic because I feel more ready than I ever have in my life to stop drinking, but I don't feel ready ENOUGH to actually stop.