A Change

Social anxiety has been a constant for my whole life. And if not for my whole life, for a large majority of it. People were/are scary. They judge. Being around people is draining, overwhelming, I feel caged by boxes and expectations. It's hard to sit in a room with others, there's so much energy, so many things to agree with or know, there's so much space to take up that I feel like I self destruct. I freeze. I cease to exist. It's hard. And the main belief through it is that people are something to be feared. People will hurt you, people will leave you, people will judge you, dislike you, mock you, be mean to you, etc.

If you don't have the self love to fight those beliefs, you have no amo against them. You believe them. You shrink outside yourself and you shrink inside yourself, until you feel like there's nothing. It's hard.

But beliefs don't have to be forever. They don't have to be for a lifetime. And they don't even have to be true. Beliefs are malleable, they can change. And thank fucking god they can change. 

When people stop becoming scary, stop becoming a source of fear or judgement or upset, a whole new world opens up. When you feel calm in your heart, strong in who you are, and exist from a loving space, it doesn't matter what people think or how interactions go. If something doesn't go exactly right, it's okay. Move on. You don't have to attach yourself to closely to it. You don't need to identity with it.

I'm not there yet, but I have opened myself more than I ever have to change my beliefs around people. I approached situations automatically from a place of unease, unrest, and upset. From a fear response. I automatically told myself I couldn't connect with this person, that we have nothing in common, that i'm not okay as I am simple am, and that i'm never going to be good enough or on this person's level enough to connect. I think constantly about the fact that maybe i'm just too serious, I don't know how to relate, I can't be funny. All of these thoughts that exist from a place of lacking, from not being enough. It doesn't have to be true.

I am starting to realize it doesn't have to be that deep or serious or true. I think people want to feel connection as much as me. The other person isn't as scary as I make them out to be. They exist just like I do, and deep down want the same things as me. Is there a chance they may not enjoy my company? Yes. But same goes for me. I need to dismantle the belief that in general I just am simply NOT ENOUGH. I am enough. I have the capacity to create space for people and for myself. I can speak words and sentences worth saying. I have valuable input. I don't need to be endlessly funny to be someone worth loving. I don't need to be all of the things all of the time in order to be capable to connect strongly with another person. I just need to be open to the person, willing to share and be vulnerable, willing to experience things and make new memories.  If i'm a good person that should be enough, right? 

Because I exist I am enough. I don't need to fit neatly into boxes that might be too big or small for me. I don't need to move smoothly in rhythms I didn't create. I am perfectly fine just the way I am. I need to know it, believe it, and feel it.