Recent Realizations

 I've had some recent realizations that are pretty interesting. 

I've been in the same vibration for a handful of years. There is so much familiarity, simplicity, comfort. It's easy as it sure as heck works. But as I change and grow, crack myself slowly open, I think I crave something more. 

Being sober isn't easy. It's honestly really hard, and only getting harder. Being alone and sober is easy. There's endless things to occupy time with. But being around others is hard. I hold a lot of stress in my body. I am very physically closed off. I constantly feel the need to shrink, to hold my breath, to turn my shoulders inward. It feels honestly innate at this point. Like an instinctual reaction to the outside world. So this realization is teaching me that I need to be more in tune with my body. Although I am more in tune now than arguably ever, I still do a lot of things that are stressful movements to my body, or keeping my body in the same familiar rhythms. I haven't yet concurred the art of soft, gentle flows. Easy, quiet, loving. I jog and run, tense my body muscles, still not quite sure how to relax. Practicing quieter, slower movements would be good for me.

I feel this intense need deep down to what I can only describe as "crack open". I feel like I have years and dirt that's just hardened and piled on top of each other that's now stuck in my body. With the help of someone else, I really think this needs to crack and then be chipped away at so it can disappear. The feeling I imagine I have from this is unlike any feeling I could imagine. Pure bliss. So it's about finding those root causes of the "dirt" that's piled, or uncovering what this "dirt" is even made of, that will allow it to be released.

The last thing I realized recently is that I am an intense person. I've always known this, but i've been avoiding it. I haven't accepted myself for who I am. I have been trying to change myself for my entire life because I formed a belief that being intense isn't "cool" or "relatable". I'm not good enough because of my intense nature. People won't want to be around me. These are hard beliefs to break. Really hard. But I owe it to myself to love myself for who I am. I really don't need to force myself into being someone i'm not. I feel/felt like I have to funny and know everything about pop culture references, memes, etc in order to be worthy of taking up space. But I don't. I can create a loving space for people, I can listen, I have insight. That's enough. I am enough. I don't need to be outside myself, force myself to watch shows I don't like, make a joke.

 I. Am. Okay. I. Can. Take. Up. Space.