agh.
i feel so stuck in my mindddd. i feel so unsure about everything i'm about to face. i need to muster up the motivation to do this. i need to succeed. i want to expand. protect. do my job. it's so hard to suppress fears and weakness though. so. hard.

i dont know. it's 4/20, ahahah. so much fun being high around a shitload of other people who are high. makes everything feel so united. it was a chill day. but it doesn't make anything dissappear or weaken. i dont even know what it does. it doesnt even matter.

i miss you so much. i miss our home. our games. our talks. i miss your eyes and your hair and your ears. and the outline of your silhouette that i know so perfectly. and the sleepovers. and baking. and dinners. and eeeeverything. this is so hard. i've never missed someone like this before. i've never felt this way before.

i'm really suprised i am how i am. which is good. really good, i've grown a lot. the life experiences i went through over the passed few years are shining through. i have been learning so much about life and myself. but i'd still do anything for you. i still love you.

i need an outlet.

everyone acts like i don't understand what's going on and that i'm taking everything so out of context. i'm not. at all. i'm being realistic and understanding, but i'm still angry and sad. and nothing is going to take away the fact that i miss you. and that's all there is to it. i'm not being overly dramatic, or sad, or whatever you want to call it. i just don't know what to say anymore and don't want to be around you.

i cant believe this is happening to me. ew.

DO NOT EVER DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

herecomesthelonliness

i couldn't handle it.
i completely lost it.
i don't know if i can do this.

i just felt like such a follower. fuck that. theres no us anymore. not even a little. it feels completely faded. i just felt like i was following you around and you didnt want me. so i stopped. and then i was lost. it was like i was a giant among millions of ants who already had found their home. and i didn't know which one was mine. i went to the bathroom and cried. and then i just couldn't stay in school anymore. so i cried some more when my mom came. and then i went home. and showered and slept. but the bottom line is that i just broke down, in public. in school. i don't want to be this weak girl who gets like that. i need to stand on my own. it's always me who's knees buckle. the other person is always fine. i'm such an emotional mess. i can't concentrate. i don't understand how it just seems to not affect you as much when it's killing me inside. the world i had built for myself and the people in it, it seemed secure. nothing is secure. nothing is as real as you think it is. nothing gives and nothing stays. everything just rots eventually. goes stale. i feel pathetic. i feel small. i feel unwanted. i want to feel like a confident girl who has friends, who isn't lost, who doesn't have to keep wandering. but i stop myself and i don't know how to just feel at ease with anything at all. i can't wait to get away from here. i need to start over and stop living in this repeated cycle. i need new surroundings and new people who bring out different sides of me. i can't do this. i'm so scared. i'm so small. i'm so alone. i just want to be with you and be happy with you and kiss you and kiss your ears and feel your skin. this sucks. and nothing takes away the pain. nothing makes it go away. i don't know what to do.

and no matter how close people pay attention, noone has paid enough attention to proove me wrong and point out what i thought you would. guess that just prooves a point. and if nooone gets it, then it's all for me