i couldn't handle it.
i completely lost it.
i don't know if i can do this.

i just felt like such a follower. fuck that. theres no us anymore. not even a little. it feels completely faded. i just felt like i was following you around and you didnt want me. so i stopped. and then i was lost. it was like i was a giant among millions of ants who already had found their home. and i didn't know which one was mine. i went to the bathroom and cried. and then i just couldn't stay in school anymore. so i cried some more when my mom came. and then i went home. and showered and slept. but the bottom line is that i just broke down, in public. in school. i don't want to be this weak girl who gets like that. i need to stand on my own. it's always me who's knees buckle. the other person is always fine. i'm such an emotional mess. i can't concentrate. i don't understand how it just seems to not affect you as much when it's killing me inside. the world i had built for myself and the people in it, it seemed secure. nothing is secure. nothing is as real as you think it is. nothing gives and nothing stays. everything just rots eventually. goes stale. i feel pathetic. i feel small. i feel unwanted. i want to feel like a confident girl who has friends, who isn't lost, who doesn't have to keep wandering. but i stop myself and i don't know how to just feel at ease with anything at all. i can't wait to get away from here. i need to start over and stop living in this repeated cycle. i need new surroundings and new people who bring out different sides of me. i can't do this. i'm so scared. i'm so small. i'm so alone. i just want to be with you and be happy with you and kiss you and kiss your ears and feel your skin. this sucks. and nothing takes away the pain. nothing makes it go away. i don't know what to do.