at the bottom of everything

so many emotions.

everybody is leaving me. all the people i love and care for. all the people i have grown to trust and grown comfortable bonds with. they are all leaving. my world will be stripped bare. in a way, this is going to be great for me. but only if i treat it how i should; by pushing. but i don't know if i have the energy. it's so hard to walk right into something. i let fear run my life so much and it's so hard to sucomb to it.

the only way to get over the things that trouble and upset you, are to accept that that is the way things are. you can't make it go away because even if it goes away, it was once still there. all you can do is accept what it is and realize that even though it's there, you will be okay. and once you realize you'll be okay, all that upset is gone. step number one.

it's like no matter what i do, it always creeps back inside of me. it's like it knows when to swallow all of the gold spots and hide away in the depths. i hate it. what does this mean? i don't understand the cycle. i don't know if i ever will understand the cycle.

you and i. that shouldn't even be allowed. i don't know. the truth of the matter is that i have no idea what the fuck i think. i've never been this lopsided before. i've never felt this way. i don't like it. i hate it. i hate it. i need to start eating off of new plates. i guess we'll see what happens.

everything always goes back to you. you're the reason i am this way. you're the one who contaminated my mind. you're the one who took my young, sponge-like of a brain, and drenched it in all of your dirty negative water. you are the reason that i can't escape. because i've lived my whole life watching you wallow in it. i wish you knew how to get up and get going. i wish i hadn't been such a sponge. i wish i knew better as a little kid. i wish i knew how to get rid of the notion that makes me feel like i'm the same way. i wish i didn't feel like i was turning into you.

i want to write a poem titled The Darkness.
^acceptance, in small ways.

folk fest this weekend. time to dive hands first into something. independence needs to come full fledged. i need to get up and get going.

i also need to open myself. i am the way i am (as in, letting everything seep back inside of me) because i don't know how to show myself to people. i'm never fake but nobody knows who i am. except for one person who i fear i will lose. i don't know what to do. i put myself in these dumb situations and i feel like i can't control them. i don't feel like i have full control over myself. but i'm not sure who else i feel has the control. i just feel out of control. i need to completely free my mind.
i almost got there.
for a week or so i felt pretty good. things are simple when you look at life a certain way. but for some reason, colors never stay. colors never stick for long periods of time. i don't get it. help me.

and. it seems like everybody is finding their best friend(s). it seems like everybody has that one person they always hangout with. party with. and i'm nto saying i don't have people like that. but i don't know how to get to that point anymore. i don't know how to make a best friend. i wish one day i would wake up and have my whole head figured out. but i guess that defeats the purpose of life. i wish i didn't constantly feel so clouded. and when i don't feel clouded, i feel like i'm just cheating myself out of it by being weak.

how did i end up this way?
there is nobody in the world like me.

i don't know. like i said, everythingisahugedustballblowinginthewind.