why do i keep thinking about this? it's not something that runs overly deep but it's something i guess i wanted more than i had realized. i'm not exactly sure how to feel. it did not seem very hard to just close the door, maybe i didn't give enough of a reason to stay. meh. why should it even matter? i'm just bored and dwelling. bored and grounded. bored and lonely. bored and bored and bored and sad. what about happiness? when will that come? will it come when i make it come? will it come with sunshine? a change of scenery that is rooted in a time that i will have to wait a long time for? is happiness false? are there some people who are never meant to be happy, in some sick sort or twisted way, to perhaps balance life? am i the equilibrium? does any of this even matter? does trying to uncover the ways of happiness and the keys to its doors even get me anymore? agh. i'm cooped up in this room. i have many books, a comfortable bed, a television, and a computer. i'm unmotivated but wanting. i want want want but need to do do do in order to get it. my mom won't even let me go down the fucking street to a girls house. i could walk there and there's nothing i can say to her. i make myself angry because it's my fault. and now i'm just repeating the same words over and over. i want to change things but how am i supposed to change things if i can't get the opportunities to actually do so because i'm not allowed out? catch my drift, here? it could be worse but i don't care, i feel shitty. i guess i'm not missing out on much though. i wouldn't be going to temple tonight anyways because, well, what good is it to me anymore? there are only a certain amount of people you can kiss within one enclosed area before you get a reputation and i think my time there is done. once my thirst goes away for the things i've punctured (or that have punctured me) only about a couple millimeters deep, i won't care anymore. and my friends are just drinking in some girls basement and probably hooking up and dancing. i mean, that's definitely fun, but it's nothing substantial. something i probably shouldn't be doing anyways i guess. jserve is sunday and i'm very nervous for it. i hope everything goes well but i'm not sure that it will. somuchselfdoubt. i guess it'll be fine though, ive felt this way before. sometimes i really suck at independence though. other people tell me that i don't give myself enough credit but they don't have any idea what theyre talking about. i need to get outtttt of here, god damnit. but now i'm just going to be stuck even longer. i keep running the same cycle in the back of my head and i need to stop but it's really how i feel. sometimes i can't just turn the other side over and act like it's okay. but i swear i felt okay yesterday. do you see the instability here? it's not something i feel i can control. being up only comes once in awhile. what does that even mean, then, though? i confuse myself. i want to cuddle with someone. maybe the problem is all of these I's. I I I I II I. what if i used we? or us? or them? or you? would it make me feel better to focus on other things? of course. do i focuse too much of my time on myself? maybe. but how else am i supposed to get there, huh? how else am i supposed to find balance within myself? why is life so complicated and why are there so many questions? maybe i need to write down the answers first to the questions i haven't even formulated. UGH. i need to finish my jserve project, term paper, caps paper, english presentation proposal. i have a lot of time to do so but i don't feel like it. i am lazy. this sucks. i guess it's better this way though. i can sit in my room and think about my actions and get shit done because nobody is on facebook because everyone is out and nobody is texting me because theyre drunk and don't want to hear my bullshit. i guess it's only a matter of weeks, though. eventually it should be okay.

eventually everything turns, right? if you sit on the side of a high way for too long eventually someone is going to stop and make sure you're alright, aren't they? all of those hundreds of cars...somebody has to do it. something would have to happen to change the situation.

or, i hope so, atleast.