I fear I will never find a mind connection and will have to settle with a body connection

I tried drowning out the voice in my head that kept telling me to kiss you but the more alcohol I drank the louder it got

I just realized I will never be like my mother.
I just realized I am NOT MY MOTHER.
shit.

you know when you leave toothpaste out without the cap on and it gets really hard at the top and you have to squeeze the tube really hard before the hardness finally gives and it kinds of makes a "pop" with all the fresh, non-hard tooth paste? well I feel like that creatively. I feel like there is this potential somewhere within me because I can feel myself wanting it and edging close to it, but there is a bunch of hardened toothpaste in my way waiting for me to just pop right on through.

yeah.

"Smart people talk about ideas.
Common people talk about things.
Mediocre people talk about people."
-Jules Romains.


This quote has literally fucking ruined me.

I still have all of these worries. I still feel like I have no voice. I live with the motivation to find my voice and when that happens I will find someone who vibrates on that same frequency as I do.

it is so easy to ask yourself what kind of person you want to be and answer with some fairly adequate answers but then never really do much to make headway into becoming that person. it is way too easy to sleep, sleep, sleep life away.

we invest ourselves in people. if we didn't, what would be the point?

there is a very real moment in which defense mechanisms stop becoming protective and instead backfire inward and create more harm than good.

something

everything is truly meant to happen for a reason.
sometimes we might not know the reasons in the moment, but we discover their true meaning days, months, years later.
life has been interesting because there is a true binary. a tornado of distruction in one area, a settle arangement of carefully places situations in another. a quack of uncontrollability in one, a whole world at the edge of my fingertips or maybe in the actual palm of my damn hand, in the other. it's a binary.
and binaries usually mean difference, contrast, positive and negative, one against the other.
which isn't to say they all must be bad. I mean a lot can be learned from contrasting things. Contrasting situations, people, things and places.
It's interesting when you move away right as your world is literally crumbling or rather sinking slowly into quicksand while you move to a world that is the complete opposite. While you move to a newly built city, anxiously anticipating opening its doors.
There is a true beauty to be seen here.
Not only is there beauty in destruction, in something that is begging to be REcreated, in something that is begging for water. There is clear beauty if creation, in the most fundamental form. There is true beauty in the way you can create something from absolutely nothing.
There is beauty in freezing the very moments that exist within the minutes of each and every day. The confines of each and every second that form the structure that is the minute we judge our appearances by, that so in turn form the same hours we remember memories by. There is no greater beauty than realizing where you are, realizing that the very second that is within the very minute in which you are existing, in the very minsecule moment you are breathing, there is aboslutely nothing that is going to hurt you. There is nothing at all that could alter the very stillness that surrounds you; whether it be the simply but yet complex way the seat you are sitting on is supporting you, or the way in which the trees smell while you're walking past then while the wind breezes, or if it's the way some total stranger looks at the moon and then looks at you while they're walking past, and makes it a point to tell you to look at the moon as well. I mean there is an extreme subtle beauty here that I think is often missed in everyday life, in everyday interaction.

life is so seredipidous. I just don't even understand!!

my friend introduced me to Aloo Gabi, an indian dish, the other weekend. Then I clicked on an email about the cooking club making an indian dish. what do you think theyre making? the same fucking thing. I mean, what are the chances? ugh! life is so fucking weird.

love is seeing the beauty, even in all of my fucking darkness.

Here I am beginning to talk about success when I myself have yet to define what that actually means.

I wonder sometimes if I am really interested in other people successes genuinely or if i'm just interested in the point during which their success fails, and I somehow feel like i'm okay because in some sort of way we are both failures. I wonder if there ever is an even playing ground. Are there people out there that don't compete with each other, even subconsciously? Are there relationships that don't feel competitive in nature be in no matter what sort of way that competition may manifest itself? Am I just creating this competition in my head because I myself don't feel adequate, don't feel whole? What really is the root of genuine interaction?

I am glad I asked you. I am glad you stayed. I am glad I didn't hear those gun shots alone. I know you heard them, but I don't know if you willl actually admit to that. Regardless though, I know my thruth. Before I met you I never understood the power of other people's truths but I absolutely understand it now. Truth is a power you have to earn within people. For some that comes naturally, others...not so much.

the tops of my feet are so soft but the part that meets the ground is dry and almost cracking hard

omg why do I feel this lonely~~~????

I know this chick who who was skinny in high school but then got like really fat a couple years out of high school but she still stayed w/ her bf and it kinda gave me hope that getting fat maybe isnt so bad and then i saw a pic of her recently where she's like pretty damn heavy compared to what she used to look like and I really felt happy for her that she found someone that stays with her no matter what like even though she gained 30 pounds but they broke up tonight so idk i think being fat ruins everything in life

Minus the Bear, Tool, Thursday, Incubus, Smashing Pumpkins 4 everrrr <3 p="">

YOU CAN BE ANYTHING YOU FUCKING WANT TO BE IN THIS WORLD

ANY. FUCKING. THING.
ANY. FUCKING. ONE.

things are only fully understood when adequately described.

life is way more than your emotions.

alcohol IV drip

"shut up, dad!"
"...i'm sorry about saying shutup. i dont know why I called you dad."

"charlie! you just called a patient dad. Freud would be creaming his jeans right now"
"freud didn't wear jeans, he wore a slip...a Freudian slip"

maybe it wasn't that I had a lack of feeling for you. Maybe I had so much feeling that I didn't want to feel it and instead I buried it so I wouldn't feel it or notice it in an attempt to not get hurt so that you could hurt first because there is nothing in this world that could be worse than the powerless feeling that comes with someone else hurting you so maybe I actually liked you more than I could even say or feel or acknowledge as the truth.

If we are not our emotions then ultimately that means we are our lack of emotions- we are the being within us that exists when a lack of emotion is present. but is it thought that creates emotion or is it emotion that creates thought? and if we are not what we feel on a changing dynamic daily basis, then who are we and what does it mean to be our "true selves"? if we are not what we feel, then are we what we think about?

love is a cosmic experience. connection of any sort is a cosmic experience that is rooted heavily in the mixing of energy fields.

we all live in a different house.
my chewing gum is going stale
I lost the minty fresh flavor approximately 2 and a half minutes after
I first put it in my mouth.
So much for new and improved, longer lasting flavor

Can you imagine what ___ would say
-------

You planted seeds in my veins
and the stems are coming out of my eyes

"Because it is possible to create…one has anxiety. One would have no anxiety if there were no possibility whatever. Creating, actualizing one’s possibilities…always involves destroying the status quo, destroying old patterns within oneself. Progressively destroying what one has clung to from childhood on, and creating new and original forms and ways of living. If one does not do this, one is refusing to grow, refusing to avail himself of his possibilities; one is shirking his responsibility to himself."

Søren Kierkegaard

we are woven together

my loneliness scares me
it is effortless yet heavy
a tight bubble around my head
expanding and restricting all at the same time

but I love my loneliness
because it is safe here
and I know how it feels
and I am familiar with it

the opposite of my loneliness scares me too
....

"I don't want you to make the wrong decision. I don't want you to miss me after you decide this is over."
"That isn't going to happen."
"..."
"..."

//
"I don't think you could lose yourself even if you tried."
"I already have. I lost myself in you."

what is the irony of my mom living in an apartment in which I used to have sex and make memories?

Questions

does adult love feel like butterflies?
does adult love feel like that subtle pulse of something
new, exciting, and energizing,
running through your veins?
do you feel love in your feet
when you're an adult
and no longer innocent?
is love different when innocent then when not?
what really makes love
pure?
why do some people find love and keep it forever
while some never find it at all
and some find it but then
sink into the ground?
why are some people able to recover quickly?
why do some people never recover?
why is love so powerful?
where did love begin?
what is love?
and why does it have such a hold on us?

*How can I tell you without freaking you out that I want to know everything about you?

there is a powerless
yet simultaneously empowering
feeling
that just occured to me
as I sit in my kitchen
all but one small light

this is my life
this is my
fucking
life
and no matter what the circumstance
it is the only life I will ever
ever
ever
have

and for that simple reason
for that reason alone
it somehow all has
GOT
to be okay

delicate sea.


I just started the creation of something and I am freaking the fuck out about it.

I dont know what this is but it doesn't feel smooth at all and I feel even farther away from the place I am trying to get to. why?

I was in a crowded room and I drowned at the bottom of the sea
a speck of sand
underneath it all.

take it away.

I COULD THROW UP ALL OF MY EMOTIONS
spill everything onto your perfectly cleaned and pressed white shirt
I could drown at the bottom of your swimming pool
and forget and forget and forget the hurt.

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't constantly ache for the feeling of not feeling. Will lines ever feel like theyre perfectly placed and colored in properly? I'm sick of always over thinking over analyzing over stimulating my brain with these worries only to give them a pulse to give them oxygen to breathe alnd run liquid and hot through my body and infect the sunlight with it's darkness. I just want to forget what it feels like to feel inadequate I want to live on top of the sun I want to feel smooth, flow with the wind, glide on top of the ocean instead of sinking sinking sinking at the bottom. My head is an ocean I don't know how to swim out of and I am tangled in the webs of anxiety so tightly bound it almost feels disillusingly comfortable. I wonder if I will ever be able to get it. I wonder if I will be able to dis-identify with my mind the part of my mind that tells me I am my anxiety, I am this pain-body, I am not good enough. If vulnerability to a weakness is not weakness then maybe I shouldn't feel so bad. But every interaction is an endless hill I have to climb and nothing comes easy, not even the ability to breathe this god forsaken free fucking air and i'm tired of not being able to fully feel the breeze through my hair or getting water up my nose because i'm sitting at the bottom of this fucking ocean and all I want to do is float on top of the water and let the sun hit my face and float and believe that nothing will make me drown again because I am human and I know how to float and the water is my friend that will help me when I have the proper tools and it won't bring me back down again to the bottom of this ocean where I can't tell if my eyes are closed or if i'm just living in darkness. when will the need for perfectionism go away and i won't constantly search for that pure white of the sheets I never knew how to keep clean and when will I stop trying to fabricate my words in a way that will make me feel better but the comfort in the fabrication is only more of a reason to cause me anxiety and god damnit if I want to get off this fucking carousel all I need to fucking do is place my feet on a different kind of solid ground. but yet when you spend your life in the blue, denying the red, not even realizing there is a such thing as red like a fish that lives in water like the fish that lives with me in the bottom of the ocean who doesn't know the difference between water and what is really just his natural living environment and oh my god nothing is what it seems and I am not who I am supposed to be but there is nothing anyone is supposed to be I think we just are who we are and I have too many thoughts in my head that I can't turn in to poetry that will move someone that will make me feel love in my feet or close those holes in my chest. I am constantly searching for a way out of this a way out of my fucking head and a way out of this constant second guessing it suffocates me and I am at a lost for words.

I hope my future boyfriend is the type that could have passionate sex to Tool.

Falling in love in your dreams

Fear

Loneliness

Hope/belonging

Scenes from my bedroom

Drinking and driving

Passion

does adult love feel like butterflies? does adult love feel like that subtle pulse of something new, exciting, and energizing, running through your veins? do you feel love in your feet when you're an adult and no longer innocent? is love different when innocent then when not? what really makes love pure? what if you spend so much time trying to fix the person you're with to be someone who caters more to your needs that while doing so you miss out on the real person that actually fits them? why do some people find love and keep it forever while some never find it and some find it but sink into the ground? why are some people able to recover quickly? why do some people never recover? why is love so powerful? where did love begin and why does love have a control on us more than any other emotion?


I can feel you in my feet. Sometimes the way someone coughs reminds me of you. Certain ways a persons feet turn in when they walk is a mirror image of you, just for a second. I walk around with the memories, the characteristics, and even the secondhand mindsets of those who have come and gone.

How can I tell you without freaking you out that I want to know everything about you?

nothing last forever.
the existence of nothing
is the only thing that
is time less.
and even though we imagine nothing
to be empty and meaningless
it is the only thing that is simultaneously
all things
and no things
at the same
exact
time.
it is the only thing
the only living entity
with an ability to exist and
matter
that can hold a secure position
in the real of
forever

it's so fucking easy to get laid I don't even understand how people can't get laid

I honestly have no idea how I would live my life if it weren't for porn.

Feelings I constantly search for:
-drunk driving from temple all the way home
-my first incubus show alone and then my first time seeing minus the bear, also alone.
-that stupid 8th grade feeling of the absence of inhibition that only exists within the confines of innocence
-meeting someone new & being unable to get them out of your mind & consequently the feeling of butterflies
-getting horny from watching an episode of sex & the city
-when things felt like they were sliding perfectly into place like when the air felt light & heavy at the same exact time.
-not thinking before acting

FEAR: SWALLOW ME WHOLE
LIFE: HELP ME TAKE CONTROL
FEEL SAFE, FLY STRAIGHT

I like punk rock & grunge music
I can feel alcohol in my feet
I like pizza but also expensive italian food
I wear black a lot.
I used to think I was romantic but i'm not really good at being romantic anymore.
I like to read and then sometimes after I read I kind of want to write so then i'll write but usually it goes nowhere.
I like the color purple.
All I want is to feel my heart race.
I am searching for someone that loves me as much as I (hate) me.
It's sad but true.
Sometimes, when i'm eating bbq chicken or ribs with my fingers, I can't think of anything else in life i'd rather be doing.
I think it'd be cool to go to school to learn how to cook. Yeah, that'd be really cool.
The apple of my eye is really a strawberry, I swear!

Double life....maybe that's the problem

connection-
how?

something
is
always
missing

conscious uncoupling--

nice.

it's so easy to fake I even start to believe it

the more you fucking say I love you the more I starting to fucking hate you

the closer you try to get to me the more I want you gone.
if defenses are meant to be subconscious
what happens when they're conscious?

I am trying to give a little. or am I?
do I give myself enough credit?
do I give myself too much credit?

I do not want to be smothered.

I tied to be like everyone but noooo

There is something deeply emotionally contorted about me

I AM STILL GETTING DRUNK TO MAKE THINGS FEEL BETTER

I AM STILL GETTING DRUNK TO MAKE THINGS FEEL BETTER

LOVE IS NOT FUCKING ROOTED IN LONELINESS

Drinking without blacking out or until my need is fulfilled is weird but also feels good.

I don't know what i'm doing

I don't know how to love

I take people's hearts and break them in too.

My skin is thicker than your leather fucking jacket.

what happens when you meet someone who is so fundamentally similar to you but also so similar that you might clash but so similar that it kind of seems like this one person might be the person who will let you spill your water on the floor and let you just dissolve right there in the best of fucking ways but you are both introspective vampires and what about the energy oh my god I just don't know what's happening !!!!

funny that Tool is so introspective
when all that heavy buzz does is
behead me

I am sorry that I don't know how to be happy.
It hurts me as much as it hurts you.

I think my motivation to do shit everyday is the motivation to find motivation. It really is possible to be a spine but not a backbone.

A MILLION PEOPLE ALREADY DO NOT LOVE YOU AND NONE OF THAT MATTERS

I don't sleep at the right times
I second guess myself entirely too much
I want to be alpha but i am beta
I drink until i forget my head, which means too much.
Sometimes i have no idea what to say
I suck in energy instead of create it.
I am a vampire in that sense.
I think about how to change my energy or how to pretend to be extrovert.
Then i realize it's bullshit, why should i have to pretend to be anything?
Nobody tells you it's okay to live a small life
Nobody tells you when you're growing up that happiness is your own
They tell you that if you don't follow the rules of society than you won't be happy.
You go through 18 years learning this until you're going out into the vast atmosphere
No longer magnetic
And you realize the foundation you thought you had was based on selfish greedy motives.
So you lose the sense of what holds you together
But you're at a point in life that is begging for you to deliver some type of solidarity.
Life is asking you to form a solid shape,
And all you want to do is spill yiur liquid onto the ground.

This identity discord is hard to face but eventuakmy we realize how to become a person.
What it means to hold some kind of significance.
And we start filling in these holes
Slowly
With experiences, opinions, and feelings that we create and want.
We start to love who we are bc we are now a manifestation if what we think is beautiful, whole, and good.
We begin to cope with life
Learn from our experiences
Abs enable ourselves to love others
Bc in turn we learn to love & defune ourselves.
Life is a series of compiled events that are there for reasons that don't show up until later.
But life always gives us what we need in each moment .
The rest is in us to figure out what to do with it.

this time last year my blog post said:
"i am sick and twisted".
this time last year i thought i was asexual. (hahah!!!!)
this time last year i didn't feel close to even a single person
this is no longer.


2 years ago my blog post said:
 "my insides long for something. for meaning, I guess. for purpose. I long for passion and goals. I feel invisible, lost, useless.

I want to find my road. I am walking in circles.

Suddenly I feel sad again."

This is not all wrong

this is not all gone

3 years ago I felt locked tight inside of myself.

I couldn't get out. I felt like I didn't know how to let people in.

I felt like I had nothing to show anyone, how could I spill my liquid?

I still feel this way, but to a lesser degree.

4 years ago I was still in love.

or I thought I was in love.

or, it was love at the time.

whatever.

5 years ago I think I was still trying to get rid of my mike from my veins. but maybe it's sam, i don't even know.

and the fact that I confuse them is kind of funny but kind of toxic feeling.

theyre so different.

i thought the world around me owed me something 5 years ago.

i thought i was a victim

i thought i knew what i was talking about.

I HAVE MADE PROGRESS, I JUST HAVE TO LOOK IN THE RIGHT PLACES.

*everything is double sided, you just have to look*

it is okay to be myself. i am okay as i am.

meaningless sex gets really old after awhile.

blood is thicker than water.

things worth having take patient and hard work.

good friends do not happen over night.

in order to happy you must not only love yourself, but you must allow yourself to fearlessly love others.

my comfort zone should really be called my uncomfort zone because it is within this area that I become stagnant, afraid, and lonely.

(no matter how many times I walk down College Ave, I cannot decide if I lose myself more and more or get closer to finding myself. are we getting closer or just more lost?)

I don't believe anybody could fully love me if I don't fully love myself first.

you know
ppl go through their whole lives
saying
they found ppl they love
but they really havent
they just say that bc theyre the star
of their own fuckin romantic comedy
like this is some fiction movie bullshit.

I don't feel like anyone could know me and love me.

I am becoming a lonely estate.

my problem with interaction is that i'm always looking for a way to end it before it gets too awkward. I don't even give interaction enough room for it to not become awkward.
I am not free enough

why did I smoke weed??????
my lines are z
                    i
                     g
                   z
                    a
                    g
                 s
 and
your lines are
S T R A I G H T

I'm not a woman yet.

I need to be a woman.