John said I am a "tough little muffin"

I FELL OFF THE WAGON BUT DONT WORRY I WILL BE BACK WITH A VENGANCE.

2021 HERE I COME.

 NO MATTER HOW FAR YOU RUN YOU ARE STILL ALWAYS WHO YOU WERE WHEN YOU WERE 17

 What if instead of looking at experiences as what they've done TO you, you look at them as what they've done FOR you? - Seane Corn

 I had a dream the other day that I ran for some type of high level position. Seemed like a government position or something. I had to give a speech and answer questions. They asked me a question and I gave my opening line. The women leading it didn't like my answer, said that I wasn't specific enough. I apologized and said that I was delivering my opening line and would get to answering her question. I remember the feeling of being judged, very harshly. I remember the feeling of not knowing what I was doing and feeling like it was all a façade. I was speaking words but didn't believe the intent, knowledge, or skill behind them. There were moments in the dream these feelings were very intense. I don't remember much else except I do remember that I got the position in the end, with a vote that was something like 40 to 12 or 62 to 12, I forget which. I remember immediately trying to make a percentage out of it and thinking about all the 12 people who didn't vote for me and why they said no. I remember thinking that I was a fraud and that the other people who DID vote for me I had fooled. The dream has stayed with me for a few days now because these are very real and prevalent feelings I still have. 

 porn and sex and sexuality are simultaneous coping and defense mechanisms used to distract from uncomfy feelings and mimic the feeling of being wanted/validating the self

Mental health, faulty belief systems, attachment styles, etc all stem into work. I don't even know how to separate the two honestly.

Things I notice:

-I avoid things that stress me out and put things off that I don't feel confident about

-I constantly second guess myself and my ability to do things correctly

-I feel like people are secretly judging me, don't like me, don't think i'm good enough at the job, etc.

-I feel responsible for people's feelings and success. OVERLY responsible, actually.

These all stem from some type of childhood issue that is being relived and channeled through work settings. But, noticing is the first step.

My lifes work is to better myself. You must notice and accept in order to process and progress.

Recent Realizations

 I've had some recent realizations that are pretty interesting. 

I've been in the same vibration for a handful of years. There is so much familiarity, simplicity, comfort. It's easy as it sure as heck works. But as I change and grow, crack myself slowly open, I think I crave something more. 

Being sober isn't easy. It's honestly really hard, and only getting harder. Being alone and sober is easy. There's endless things to occupy time with. But being around others is hard. I hold a lot of stress in my body. I am very physically closed off. I constantly feel the need to shrink, to hold my breath, to turn my shoulders inward. It feels honestly innate at this point. Like an instinctual reaction to the outside world. So this realization is teaching me that I need to be more in tune with my body. Although I am more in tune now than arguably ever, I still do a lot of things that are stressful movements to my body, or keeping my body in the same familiar rhythms. I haven't yet concurred the art of soft, gentle flows. Easy, quiet, loving. I jog and run, tense my body muscles, still not quite sure how to relax. Practicing quieter, slower movements would be good for me.

I feel this intense need deep down to what I can only describe as "crack open". I feel like I have years and dirt that's just hardened and piled on top of each other that's now stuck in my body. With the help of someone else, I really think this needs to crack and then be chipped away at so it can disappear. The feeling I imagine I have from this is unlike any feeling I could imagine. Pure bliss. So it's about finding those root causes of the "dirt" that's piled, or uncovering what this "dirt" is even made of, that will allow it to be released.

The last thing I realized recently is that I am an intense person. I've always known this, but i've been avoiding it. I haven't accepted myself for who I am. I have been trying to change myself for my entire life because I formed a belief that being intense isn't "cool" or "relatable". I'm not good enough because of my intense nature. People won't want to be around me. These are hard beliefs to break. Really hard. But I owe it to myself to love myself for who I am. I really don't need to force myself into being someone i'm not. I feel/felt like I have to funny and know everything about pop culture references, memes, etc in order to be worthy of taking up space. But I don't. I can create a loving space for people, I can listen, I have insight. That's enough. I am enough. I don't need to be outside myself, force myself to watch shows I don't like, make a joke.

 I. Am. Okay. I. Can. Take. Up. Space.

A Change

Social anxiety has been a constant for my whole life. And if not for my whole life, for a large majority of it. People were/are scary. They judge. Being around people is draining, overwhelming, I feel caged by boxes and expectations. It's hard to sit in a room with others, there's so much energy, so many things to agree with or know, there's so much space to take up that I feel like I self destruct. I freeze. I cease to exist. It's hard. And the main belief through it is that people are something to be feared. People will hurt you, people will leave you, people will judge you, dislike you, mock you, be mean to you, etc.

If you don't have the self love to fight those beliefs, you have no amo against them. You believe them. You shrink outside yourself and you shrink inside yourself, until you feel like there's nothing. It's hard.

But beliefs don't have to be forever. They don't have to be for a lifetime. And they don't even have to be true. Beliefs are malleable, they can change. And thank fucking god they can change. 

When people stop becoming scary, stop becoming a source of fear or judgement or upset, a whole new world opens up. When you feel calm in your heart, strong in who you are, and exist from a loving space, it doesn't matter what people think or how interactions go. If something doesn't go exactly right, it's okay. Move on. You don't have to attach yourself to closely to it. You don't need to identity with it.

I'm not there yet, but I have opened myself more than I ever have to change my beliefs around people. I approached situations automatically from a place of unease, unrest, and upset. From a fear response. I automatically told myself I couldn't connect with this person, that we have nothing in common, that i'm not okay as I am simple am, and that i'm never going to be good enough or on this person's level enough to connect. I think constantly about the fact that maybe i'm just too serious, I don't know how to relate, I can't be funny. All of these thoughts that exist from a place of lacking, from not being enough. It doesn't have to be true.

I am starting to realize it doesn't have to be that deep or serious or true. I think people want to feel connection as much as me. The other person isn't as scary as I make them out to be. They exist just like I do, and deep down want the same things as me. Is there a chance they may not enjoy my company? Yes. But same goes for me. I need to dismantle the belief that in general I just am simply NOT ENOUGH. I am enough. I have the capacity to create space for people and for myself. I can speak words and sentences worth saying. I have valuable input. I don't need to be endlessly funny to be someone worth loving. I don't need to be all of the things all of the time in order to be capable to connect strongly with another person. I just need to be open to the person, willing to share and be vulnerable, willing to experience things and make new memories.  If i'm a good person that should be enough, right? 

Because I exist I am enough. I don't need to fit neatly into boxes that might be too big or small for me. I don't need to move smoothly in rhythms I didn't create. I am perfectly fine just the way I am. I need to know it, believe it, and feel it. 

 I have spent an inordinate about of time reading past blog posts, searching for sparks of inspiration or words that fit. But in doing so, I realized I am reinforcing old ways of thinking and old beliefs that no longer serve me. Perhaps never served me. Ones I am ready to get rid of. 

New Beliefs:

-I physically strong, I am capable of accomplishing goals and maintaining weight 
-I am healthy in my habits. I give my body what it needs, listen to cravings and cues, and nourish my body with healthy ways to satisfy what I want and need.
-I am worthy. Despite awkwardness, bitchiness, not knowing references, etc.'
-I belong. In social settings, in friendship circles, in groups. I belong and have a unique perspective that I bring to the table. 
-I am okay just as I am. I do not need to know it all, be up to date with pop culture, know all the historical events or funny memes. I am okay without all those things. I am okay because I exist, I breathe, I am alive.
-I can be loved despite what i've experienced. I can be loved BECAUSE of what I experienced. I have perspective and experience and wisdom.
-I will not be held down by money. Money is not limited in my life. There are multiple ways to make money, and I will find those ways and pay off my student loans so I can be independent. 

Old Beliefs:

-I am not good enough. I am not capable of being fit or fast. I am slow and too far behind. I can't catch up.
-I am boring. I am shy, and uncultured, and awkward. People don't like being around me because I am not good at conversations. I don't understand things. 
-I am not worthy of love, friendship, connection. I am not capable of it. I have flaws and bitchiness, awkwardness, brokenness that gets in the way.
-I am meant to be sad and lonely. Some people are meant to be sad and depressed. Some people are meant to be happy. It's balance in the universe. I am meant to be the darkness in order for others to shine their light.
-I am stuck because of money. I can't have the things I want because I owe money and cannot afford full independence.

This is constantly changing but I am SO excited to start this journey.
I keep reading that you must first believe you have what you want already in order to obtain it. You must believe that you have the qualities you want to possess. Example: I wanted to lose weight and get fit, and I first had to believe that I was capable of running, already a healthy eater, someone who possessed the qualities of a fit person. It all started with mindset, not physical action. 

I am excited to work more on these beliefs and work daily, weekly, etc to set more specific goals and explore what it is that fuels me, what I need and want, etc.

Rebirth

It's dark

My eyes are open but I still feel asleep

I have layers upon layers of plastic covering my skin
My cells have nowhere to go
They're stuck
I am stuck

If someone touches me, I will break into a thousand pieces

I chant need
And ache

I am pained and I am numb and I am getting swept up by the ocean

I do not care at all whether I drown

\\

I have rescued myself

It is the first day of the rest of my life
And I have never lived before this

I am sharing my lungs
I am dripping my sweat
Sewed my skin to the earth
Breathing and flowing and connected

I am catching rainbows on my tongue
Sweet and tender
Sunlight beams from my eye lids

I am growing and I am here and I am ready

Reflecting on the past week of so because I haven't been the most consistent with writing down the accomplishments

Sunday June 21: Biked 10 miles w John, had crab leg dinner with Dad
Monday June 22: Spoke up on the check in call, Harvested lettuce from the garden!!!!, went to Alvethorpe Park (never been) with Dad
Tuesday June 23: Went on long walk at the Canal with Kelly, read 1 chapter of Quit like a Woman by Holly Whitaker (current book)
Wednesday June 24: Met up with Sam and went on a walk with him at Bethayres, read 1 chapter of book.
Thursday June 25: Walked to 5 below, did my walk/jog at Bethayres, Jogged 5 miles, read 1 chapter of book.

These are mostly athletic accomplishments but I will start keeping track of all accomplishments :)

(Intro/Overview)
So I want to start journaling again because I think it's good to process thoughts, vent about shit that goes on, and remind myself of the positive aspects of myself and my day. I want to use this as a place to put all my thoughts, no matter what they are, but I want to focus my journal on positivity and creative expression. I've grappled with the thought of doing one of those writing challenges where you write about a different thing everyday, or every week, but we'll see what happens. I just think for a long time I made the decision not to process my thoughts because they were scary or uncomfortable or just hard to sit with, but i'm at the point in my life now where I owe it to myself to do those things, and really feel and process my emotions. So this is me starting.

I have been in quarantine since March 10 officially. I have been working from home and not really going places bc everything is closed. Basically, things i've done in quarantine are:
-Play Jackbox
-Facetime/Houseparty
-Play 21 questions
-Paint by numbers
-Pastels
-Reading (sorta)
-Coloring Books
-Gardening
-Cooking (as usual)
-Walking/Jogging
-Go to the park w/ Kelly (and eat Sushi)
-Meditation/stretching

I have been doing a lot of meditation, trying to focus on the positive. I've stopped drinking, feeling more pure and awake, in tune with myself. It feels good. I want to hold onto to that feeling. It's something I know is good for me and I want to continue doing things that are good for me instead of going against myself, creating dissonance.

As I continue to listen to myself, my thoughts, my gut, my body, etc, I have been looking for the positive side of things. I have been finding lessons in the small things, in the simple things, in the natural things we pass by every single day without paying any mind to. I remembered that I have a voice and I can use it, even if it's just for myself and the satisfaction of knowing that I have created something. It's been silenced inside of me for a long time, and I really want to work with MYSELF to nurture it again and bring it to the forefront. Where my voice doesn't shake, where I fit neatly into the lines, sure of myself. I know I can get there, I just need to be able to allow myself to be vulnerable. And I am finally ready for that. Here's to.

I have so much more to do and so much more growth to experience, but I want to give myself credit for what I've done. Quarantine has been hard for a lot of people, but it's been good for me.

• I stopped drinking
• I started walking and will slowly start running
• I have a health diet and skin care routine
• I started cold showering 
• My music choices are slowly changing from hard, masculine, angry to calm, feminine, smooth 
• I am gardening and even tho I don't know what i'm doing, i'm trying, and learning along the way
• I took my jealousies and told myself that instead of being less than, I am be equal to

The other day I found a bunch of old tumblr writings. I found one I especially liked that said "Somewhere, in the chaotic mass of energy and atomic particles, there is a small hole waiting to be filled. a small hole waiting for me to shine my own unique lightness, hue, and color. Somewhere, the world is waiting for me." and then I watched a TED talk the next day and the last words were "There is a You-shaped hole in the universe"