oh man.
I need a man who likes his fucking rum and cokes.
I need someone who is willing to get fucking wasted with me.
like, I need/want-to-take-a-cab-bc-i'm-fuckin-drunk wasted.
I want to lose myself in somebody
forget about counting drinks
forget about worrying
if I smell
okay
which I do anyways,
for my own fucking sake
or if I
am doing the right thing
I want a love that will make me
write essays
instead of trival fucking poems.
A love where
I can go to a place
like the Barbary
like tonight
and say that I don't want any of those guys
boys
men
males
because I have (YOU)
and what else do I need
besides
(YOU)?!?!?!

the day shall come
but
the day has not
arrived
so what the fuck am I
supposed to do
until


then!?
(POEMS ARE CONSUMING ME)

people keep fucking asking me how my winter break is going

it's going fucking great!!!
yeah
Ive made no money
spent a TON of it on fucking alcohol
fantasized a shitload about getting my pussy eaten out
tried to avoid existentialism
eaten as much good food as I can consume
slept till 5
gotten drunk, dancing on tables
empowered myself to be a fucking alpha female.
I belong to nobody
I belong to me.

I will find a center in you.


fuck yeah it's been fucking great!!!!! fuck.

I danced on a table tonight.

and at first I wanted to hide

thinking nobody wanted to fucking see me

dance like that

or at all, really

but then I started thinking

I am human

like everybody

fucking

else

and I have flaws

but I also have

strengths and

things to contribute

I have love to give

and arms to hug

and advice to give

I am a cool chick

the only person there 

with curly fucking hair.

If I don't embrace it

who the fuck will!?

do you ever feel like your heart is going to fall out of your vagina?

it's that weird, that good kind of weird.
like when you both tell each other you like ear biting,
at the same exact time

we give ourselves in little bits and pieces
to everyone we meet
and each others colors mix together
in some type of neg posi swirl
like fuckin strawberry vanilla swirled ice cream.
yeah, like that.

and we go through life in these interactions of swirls
circling, repeating, constantly, constantly
repeating.
back
and
forth.

forever.

sometimes I think everything is worth so much. then during other times I think that the agragate of all these small interactions in addition to the sum of the big ones, in the end, doesn't mean jack fuckin' shit. who's to tell?

How can we claim that we know ourselves
when we can
only....

until I feel and until I think of nothing.
that is the point, after all, isn't it!?

THE PERSON WHO GIVES HIM OR HERSELF WHOLLY, THE PERSON WHO FEELS FREEST, IS THE PERSON WHO LOVES MOST WHOLEHEARTEDLY.

AND THE PERSON WHO LOVES WHOLEHEARTEDLY FEELS FREE.

-Paulo Coelho

I have to reevaluate my cognitions.

50% of my roomates leave and that's when my (sorta kinda) reclusive roommate and her boyfriend decide they want to hangout with their door open and in the family room. I guess less energy is better for them

what they really mean when they say a woman is strong is that she has the ability to get herself off while being on top.

you suffocate me while I fantasize about killing you

if the love was never real than you never lost a thing

I am missing things I don't normally miss

Divorces and single parenting don't damage a person, the instability and internalization of inconsistent trust within what is otherwise supposed to be stable & supportive relationships is what later manifests itself into maladaptive interpersonal relations.

Is it even worth it to understand the diagnosis behind the symptoms?

at the bottom of everything.
can't you just shut
the
fuck
up?

I get in these moods where I can't stand even being
existing
there are worms in my fucking skin
I want to kick them out of me
I cannot think of one good thing about being here right now
my lower back hurts and no sounds is every smoothing enough
Lately the only thing that sounds appealing
is the smell of something lemony
or something

fuck what is this feeling
there is a subtle layer of unsettled desire
in the middle of my blood and my skin
I don't know how to feel better about something
I can't control

I lay in the middle of the ocean.
I fall asleep and
I drown.

the other week I had a dream that Steve turned into Mike and it was all very similar feeling. and I was the underdog. then last night I had a dream I got back with Gabe and for awhile it was okay, but then the same thing happened except then it turned into Mike and instead of me not wanting him he didn't want me and everything was brownish gray and what the fuck why am I having dreams about............Mike

almost there

"A best friend is someone you can take anywhere and rest assured that they’ll get along just fine. A best friend is someone who sticks by you even when you do something stupid like date an asshole or become a vegan. A best friend is someone who will tell you honestly when an outfit you’re wearing makes you look twenty pounds heavier. A best friend is someone you can be silent with. There should be no pressure or anxiety. All of it should feel effortless."

"I felt like if someone touched me id dissolve into a million mollecules"

just searching for something
anything
that will behead myself
for the night.

One time I was so drunk I passed out one the bigger of the two mcdonalds womens bathroom stalls at PSU.

Why dont I ever feel happy with anything I do or accomplish? What is it going to take to make me feel like I am enough?

I'm so tired of having constant anxiety but yet it is so normal that I forgot other people don't feel this way on a consistent basis.

EVERYTHING I AM IS OKAY

I love the heavy buzz of an electric guitar. Most times it feels like the only thing that could come close to beheading me, yet it sends shivers down my spine.

Mindset is malleable though, even after years of seemingly apparent solidification.

What is the psychology behind me always liking older guys that I cant have?

Does the fact that I consider my thoughts now about self acrualoxation when before i considered them part of an existential crisis say something?

I think amongst all the thoughts i've had, one of the scariest is missing the feeling of driving tipsy. why?

I wonder if I will ever find what is missing.
But how can I find it when I don't know what that is?

I am attracted to my manager and it's kind of weird. I accidently looked at his package today, really quickly in passing, and I think he noticed but didn't say anything. He jokes around a lot and that's fine because it makes for a fun atmosphere, but I think because i'm not the most joking person it may seem flirtatious to me. It isn't flirtatious though because he is married with a child on the way. And yet again I am left being attracted to another older man with facial hair who I cannot have. Why does this happen?!

I always forget which song by the Butthole Surfers I like, Alcohol or Strawberry. I think it subconcsciously means something

EVERYTHING I AM IS OKAY. EVERYTHING I SAY IS EXACTLY AS IT SHOULD BE IN THAT MOMENT. EVERYTHING I DO IS OKAY. I DONT NEED TO DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. I AM NOT LACKING. I AM FINE THE WAY I AM. SOMEONE WILL LOVE ME THE WAY I AM. EVENTUALLY I WILL BE ABLE TO PUT MY HEART IN THE RIGHT PLACE. OR ANYWHERE, FOR THAT MATTER. EVENTUALLY I WILL BE ABLE TO CARE FOR SOMEONE MORE THAN I COULD EVER HAVE IMAGINED. FEAR WILL SUBSIDE. ACCEPTANCE WILL TAKE OVER. I AM OKAY AS I AM AND I CAN AND WILL BE LOVED. GOD DAMNIT.

Never settle for a guy who doesnt like foreplay and fucks you doggy style often. no way bro.

I am looking for comfort and I am not finding it. Am I looking in the wrong places? I cannot tell.

liquid rubber.
light me the fuck on fire.

WE LAUGH IN THE FACE OF LOVE BECAUSE NOBODY'S REALLY THERE, NOBODY'S REAL

I always say I want to fall in love to Minus the Bear.
but the problem with that is that once it happens
I will never be able to separate Minus the Bear and The Love.
and once The Love is over I will never be able to not
feel something sort of sad and nostalgic
like how the air feels on the first day of fall.

I am not sober and i don't want to be sober

Concert....soon....dont wanna go....ugh...

I wish eye contact could just express ones emotions on instant.
At the same time I do not.

I was sad
because someone I wanted to kiss
didn't want to kiss me back
but then he said
he MIGHT be an idiot
for not realizing
what he was doing

but he also said
he doesn't want to lead me on.
these are what one would call
mixed signals
and I think it's okay for now
because something is better than nothing

and I like that even in some
small sort of way
I feel something,
maybe.

"I love you so much, do me a favor baby don't reply, cause I can dish it out but I can't take it"

I am deeply sad

constantly search.
what is it that I am missing?

what you need from me you've got inside you.

PORNOGRAPHY AS A COPING MECHANISM

defense mechanisms, dissonance, and maladaptive behavior is believed to have burned in a fire. 

we believed that we burnt these hardened walls to the ground.

but once they were burned, the ashes filled the air.

and the air filled our noses which filtered through to our lungs.

and there we were,  breathing in the same dirty air

just as we always had done.

like it was nothing but a sunny day.

"Defenses against intimacy were almost always arrested or vestigial survival mechanisms; they had, at one point, been appropriate and had serves to shield an otherwise defenseless childhood psyche against unbearable trauma, but in nearly all cases these mechanisms became inappropriately imprinted and outlived their purpose, and now “in adulthood”, ironically, caused a great deal more trauma and pain than they prevented."

Alcoholism is a self fulfilling prophecy that is false. Addiction and abuse are different.

I don't think I know how to be happy in life. I always have to create a problem for myself. Something always has to go wrong. WHY?

I am salty as fuck that Mike is going to a SPA party and i'm not...

I should be sleeping but this happened instead

I can't tell if i'm horny as fuck or starting to actually want a relationship. I also can't tell what the bigger obstacle is; getting someone to love me, or getting myself to love someone else.

vulnerability is purple, yet is should definitely be gray.

I think you are trying to tell me something without words

and I think I might be up for the challenge.

but anybody that would be willing to touch

and open that door, even just a little

would have to have an incredibly amount of patience

and they must know what it feels like to walk heavily,

hands cracking, back aching

because I come with a lot of baggage

and life hasn't even begun yet.

if i went for someone as vulnerable as me it'd be destined to fail.

I need someone strong and sure of themselves.

I am afraid to shed my skin because it is the only thing protecting me. and if I take it off in the hopes of enjoying a warm embrace, that warm embrace will eventually float away and I will just be cold again. 

I am afraid to spill my water because then I will be empty and who would I be without all I have filling me up? (good and bad)

I am afraid to tell you my secrets because you will start to worry about me and I don't want anybody to worry about me like that because it will push me away.

I used to know what love was but that was before life opened up and the air no longer felt heavy.

I still sometimes wonder if the air will ever feel heavy and light at the same time like it did that at one point. But I don't really wonder about that too much because there isn't really a point.

Love houses inside of naivete is probably the greatest love there will ever be, because the soul knows no boundaries and has not been broken yet. There are no hinges, bricks, or walls. There is just you. me. us. 

But that was then, and this now.

This is now.

This is now.

now. now. now.

People know how to house themselves inside of something beautiful. Or at the very least they can house themselves in something.

In people, in television, in books, in academia.

I think the only thing i've really houses myself inside of so far is a bottle of rum and the sadness that is the bitterness that burns my throat those first couple of sips.

But the thing is,

that it always goes away and instead, I grow warm and relaxed, and comfortable.

I am always wanting what I can't have.

Or don't know how to give myself.

Like men who have feelings already.

Or worse, those without a real bed to lie in.

Or a woman with an elegance and independence I could inhale,

whose embrace would sweetly sting my skin many times over

many times over,

many times over.

If I had a roommate I would not be able to do this right now.

If I had a roommate I would not be able to have sex.

Or bring beers back to my room.

Or listen to Tool before I go out.

Or dance in the mirror.

I'm lucky as hell.

.

.

.

I am tired of  reading top 10 lists of ways to make your better, or 10 ways to increase my happiness.

Nothing tells you HOW and everything just tells you WHAT.

It isn't so easy, don't you know that?

Adaptation and acceptance are answers.

Reality comes in the form of nostalgia and a myriad of bad news, but atleast it is build upon true building blocks.

Like I said some time ago

You could hate love but at least it's a catalyst.

Should I try to write a story about real people who feel real feelings that manifest into real happenings?

Of course they'd only be real in my head, but that's pretty much what real is to me anyways, LOL.

Should I try?

I need an outline.

ha, I need an idea.

Yeah. Ideas. Doesn't have to be a long story. Can be a short story. A poem, even. A couple lines.

I have ideas. I need outlines. Then words. Manifestations.

Everything manifests

EVERYTHING. MANIFESTS.

feelings turn to thoughts which turn to behaviors. behaviors are manifestations of feelings.

yes.

You must be an illusion, I can see through you.

All i wanna do is have good sex and it just doesn't ever happennnnnnn.

I don't trust anyone

How does a girl Get off around here?!

I Want to house myself inside of something, i am so afraid.

Why do I want to kiss you?!?!

In college I don't eat but I drink my calories in the form of beer and diet pepsi and alcohol. yep.

I am not good at being friends with girls because there is subconscious sexual attraction to them and I don't know how to manifest it into something useful.

what is love? and how do I let it touch me?

Im not sure ill ever understand how some people give so much of themselves to so many people so effortlessly.

My goal for this weekend is to get some ass

I recently went to an AA meeting here on campus and it was nice to. Go to meetings again. If I let myself the world can be whatever attitude I chose to have. And while things are not ideal in many crucial areas, this is too good of a gift to pass up and be negatve during. I sat in that room and wanted to literally and figuratively lay on my back with my arms wide open and expose myself completely to these strangers. I feel that way quite often these days because I really get to look at my life from a holistic point of view and I get thankful and loving. And I realize that oppurtunity is everywhere in great abundance and that insecurity is the voice of darkness that wants to consume the light. But it shuts off without attention and without stimulation. So many times, and so easily, lfe beats me down but it isn't the times of repetative and mundane fear that will fill me with memories, but it is the lughtlessness, the understanding, and the pure acceptance that yes! I am fucking doing this! I am doing this in the best way possible and I'm doing this right and for myself. And there is a great satisfaction in this realization that breeds comfort and unity with myself and my peers. And atleast for now, atleast for some little while, and at the smallet, atleast for today and within the nature of this very second I am not alone, an enigma, or uncomfortable. But I fall nicely into place along the same path as others without dissalusion which is exciting and refreshing in so many ways it is even hard to explain. But it feels so good to be hingeless. My wings are as wide as the ocean and I am ready to drink the water of life that surrounds me. Because for too long I have been consuming this terrible belief that is a dirty enemy and not a friend. And for today the sun is shining and I am ready with a smile.

I recently went to an AA meeting here on campus and it was nice to. Go to meetings again. If I let myself the world can be whatever attitude I chose to have. And while things are not ideal in many crucial areas, this is too good of a gift to pass up and be negatve during. I sat in that room and wanted to literally and figuratively lay on my back with my arms wide open and expose myself completely to these strangers. I feel that way quite often these days because I really get to look at my life from a holistic point of view and I get thankful and loving. And I realize that oppurtunity is everywhere in great abundance and that insecurity is the voice of darkness that wants to consume the light. But it shuts off without attention and without stimulation. So many times, and so easily, lfe beats me down but it isn't the times of repetative and mundane fear that will fill me with memories, but it is the lughtlessness, the understanding, and the pure acceptance that yes! I am fucking doing this! I am doing this in the best way possible and I'm doing this right and for myself. And there is a great satisfaction in this realization that breeds comfort and unity with myself and my peers. And atleast for now, atleast for some little while, and at the smallet, atleast for today and within the nature of this very second I am not alone, an enigma, or uncomfortable. But I fall nicely into place along the same path as others without dissalusion which is exciting and refreshing in so many ways it is even hard to explain. But it feels so good to be hingeless. My wings are as wide as the ocean and I am ready to drink the water of life that surrounds me. Because for too long I have been consuming this terrible belief that is a dirty enemy and not a friend. And for today the sun is shining and I am ready with a smile.

I just had sex

There is always someone who looks like billy corgan

SHUT IT OFF SHUT IT THE FUCK OFF

Im a good kisser

I hate myself for wanting you

I don't know if it is possible to feel as secure as I do when I'm drunk and I think that's what brings me back to it over and over. I am impermeable and it feels good

I don't need your love to disconnect

I HAVE ATTACHMENT ISSUES. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP

I have not stopped thinking about you since I met you and I don't know why and I wish I never thought about you at all


of course I want to love and be loved but no no I really don't know if I want to do that because love is a fear I don't know how to jump over and this is not love this is nothing but fear and separation of brain and heart

You live from the heart because you are a heart but I am a head and there are no hearts on my sleeve . Everything is logic but also emotion and love is unison which is not this

I wonder what your lips taste like I am trying to catch your mind but you wont stop running I wish you'd unlock yourself so we could all be comfortable

You = me

How does one spill their liquid onto the floor? I've never Been empty but yet I float. 

Love means too much like the inner workings of mind body and soul coming together morphing together into something I've never felt or seen. It is one thing to lust because it has been so long since water has been around but love is not that. 

Love neeeds to be perfect and the timing needs to be right. I or you can't love you or me if I or you don't love ourselves. Love mustn't be a crutch for comfort or used as a catalyst or well for happiness. Real love cannot exist within the absense of truth and humility. Love and connection is more than a basic level conciousness, it is the agragate of all conciousness which is really damn hard to do when you haven't locked into it all yet. 

At the bottom of everything is tightly woven yarn that might never be able to be untangled. I don't know what the absense of fear feels like at all but it takes the complete opposite to get there which is the scariest part of all.

Quickly I have learned to hide back in my shell because I'm not only dangerous for you but I'm dangerous for me. I can shut off all feeling like I never had them at all like I didn't sit across the table and look for more than 6 seconds or run my eyes across the shape of your ears and the stuble of your face hairs down across your chest to your ankles. Like I didn't desperately want to just lean in and kiss you or let you kiss me. Like I didn't think about you at night before sleep, when my hand made movements I wished you were making instead.

I am able to shut it all off as if nothing ever existed because nothing really ever did exist in a physical manifestation. I shut it off like I hate the way you wear two watches for you & everyone else and the way you wear rubberbands like the way I used to collect them & write important dates with the corresponding events on them or the way you're always messy and unkept and most of all scattered. 

I don't know what it is or what it means. I attach to people who need help, who are looking to be saved but I'm not a life saver I'm a heavy brick in their ocean that is disquised as something far less harmful. Ill suck your bone marrow dry until you're hallow and you'll sink and ill run away once I've been given it all without looking back. And I won't feel bad because I will have warned you ahead of time what it is going to happen and what it will feel like when you realize. But yet your secrets will convince you that you carry more weight I could ever put upon you and you'll believe with every inch that this is different it has to be it must be. Until your marrow is gone with me and youre drowning and I'm running and hiding even more underneath all of the weight I put us through and I am dangerous because I despise vulnerability and have kept my friendly hands around an enemies neck.

I will sabotage anything good that could turn my solid liquid and I will shut it off and shut it out like it has never happened. Because love doesn't exist where there is an absence of truth and the truth is easy when it is familiar yet hard when it is uncomfortable. 

But yet I am floating and I want to be drowning, choking on my own liquid and letting it all go. And what if I stopped the repetetive destruction of others ego and my progression of self. What if I put myself in the center and forgot what others felt or thought. And what if I didn't shut the lights out before we even got to the room and we finally did taste each others lips with interlocking flesh and slowly we began to swim instead of float or sink? It has to be possible, sequentially yet uncomfortably. Potential for unison is always possible, like the blades of grass inbetween our finger tips that cannot grow without the light from the sun. 

The heart screams with possibility but the head says no no this is wrong let's not go. So what to do and how to feel? I'm not sure ill ever know.

Open mindedness is the key to growth yet I shut it all off before it even starts and then that tight box of depleted oxygen surrounds me and I'm once again camaflouged into the maroon brick that makes up the structure of my own castle wall.

Is this self pity or blatant honesty? If self sabotage is evident, the only way to stop it is to stop it. I am harsh because I know what I should do yet irrational fear overrides everything and I am a slave to insecurity.

The problem need not be found or repeated but the solution must be defined, accepted, and also feared with healthy procaution without the unspoken contract of slavery.

I am a walking contradiction in every sense of the word. I might want to drown but I constantly am wearing floaties. I will tell you to let go, let it all go, because there's nothing to be afraid of and being alone isn't bad, yet I'm as closed as a clam. 

I do not want to rely on connection to help me find my inner energy. I'm tired of repetition yet fearful of blank spaces. My stomach hurts. I am uncomfortable with who and where I am and I don't want to show people who or where or what I am because I don't know who that is and I don't feel they'd like it. And I don't want to hide anymore behind these walls and sit in my shadow because I'm self sabotaging and hiding instead of doing and feeling. I am uncomfortable outside and inside and I cannot rely on alcohol to behead myself. I have to sit inside of this uncomfort and face it and accept it and let it pass through and then out of me and move on. 

I want to be able to comfort people without inhabitions. I don't want to think anymore, I just want to let myself feel. But I somehow picked up the belief that it is wrong to feel, that I shouldn't because it is bad and dangerous. Yet if acceptance and spirituality linked together, I might be able to crack. I myself don't even know what I'm hiding, which is scariest of all.

I've cracked in small ways over the years and it all involves love and feeling for men, never passion for anything tangible. At one point I could sink in the energy exuding from your chest, until I realized how vulnerable that was, so I pushed it away until I no longer felt it. At other times, I expressed insecurity and exposed myself to the verge of tears, yet you didn't understand so I backed away from that too. And at another point I was able to push those insecurities away without much thought, yet no feelings arose. And then, after years of drought, feelings arose for no reason because we were oposing magnets trying desperately to stick together. And you'd kiss my neck and electricity would run through me but it was never enough emotionally. I would kiss you at stop lights and rub your arm during green, but the energy was fake because neither of us had any. We were the same person with the same problem, shut too tightly inside. We were both slaves to fear, never able to crack it.

What I cannot understand is how I can feel something so fully and convincingly that is not even true or real. How I can believe things I think are honest, yet rooted in fear, defenses, and insecurity. Purity is nowhere.

I just want to be blank, to forget yet to simultaneously remember, to lose my solid frame, to become liquid and flowy. I want to feel in the light like I do in the night, and shed the same energy everywhere I go. Strong, desireable, sure of it\oneself. 

The problem need not be defined, the road must be paved with good intention and knowledge that fear should, and CAN be conquered.

Lonely and horny.

why do I miss it if it was never fully satisfying?

"Without just one nest
a bird can call the world its home.
(life is your career)."

What is the obsession with wanting what's bad for us? Cognitive dissonance is everywhere and I've always known it.

All I have to show is not even tangible, just different feelings of drunken emotions for each street I've been down

night time is a blanket for things seen in daylight.
night time is a comfort
for the things that shine the most with the light from the moon.
think about it:
without night time how would we fall in love?
how would we learn how good it feels to hear our lover whisper our name?
how would you find your identity in the darkness?

You are the dirt underneath my finger nails and not too much more.

Who we are as people.

I have been reading a lot of articles online lately. While there are many about the newest movie out or the hottest start that just had her baby, I find myself more interested in the self help/empowerment reads. That's just the kind of person I am. And judging from the abundance of these types of articles, it seems that majority of 20-somethings, just like myself, have existential crisis as often as they change their underwear. This makes me feel no so alone. Thank god.

These articles I keep reading try to steer the reader into realizing who they are, what they like, and where they should go after they have realized these said attributes. But the problem is that each article is contradicting itself. One article tells me I am not my writing, I am not the art I create or the lyrics I write on my twitter or put up in my room. Another article tells me I am. The thing that's wrong with this is that I begin to choose the articles and the advice that I want, and disregard the rest. Sure, it's easy to accept that i'm not my horrible writings, and i'm not my fuck ups, and i'm not the way I dress. It is easy to believe I am not the negatives and is easy to believe I am the positives.

I chose to believe what I want to believe because it makes me happy and is easy to do. But there is a lot of flawed thinking in this. I realize that all of these people have been collectively giving me the wrong advice. The harsh reality is that I am simultaneously not the writing I create, the way I dress, or words I hang on my wall, because I am collectively all of these all wrapped into one. I am the mistakes I have made, the advice I give, the positive and negative aspects of my personality.

Although the negatives always seem to hold more weight than the positives, I need to realize and accept that this is a flawed way of thinking and that I should, instead, devote the same amount of energy and time that I do towards negative affirmations as I do towards the positive ones. If I put the same energy into believing I am all of the positive things about myself that I do believing I am the negatives, my life would be a lot fuller.

It is important to recognize that I am both the good and bad just like everybody else is. With the plus sides come the negatives and this is true for every person and every situation that has and ever will existed. It is crucial to self progression and self actualization to take a holistic point of view when assessing oneself instead of sticking to one sided realizations.

The main component of growing and realizing who you are though, is also realizing that at any given moment, upon any given day, one can change their entire being and their entire life. You are what you feed your head, and you are what you think about. In order to change into someone worth being, someone that feels good to show to others, light must be brought out from darkness and attention must be given to things that really hold true meaning. And if this happens, then you are guaranteed a life of richness.

I do more things in life because I feel I have to or should than because I actually whole heartedly want to.

there are numerous people who masturbate as a coping mechanism for loneliness.

a rant about sex

Idk it's just really annoying that sex has to be such a need in life. it wouldn't bother me as much obviously if I was more sexual but when I'm not having sex i rarely crave it. and when I do I'm fine with masturbation. like totally fine. I understand that sex is a good way to show feeling and stuff but it is annoying that a relationship that's sexual with no sex and an aactual sexual relationship with the same people can turn out differently just because sex is not involved. I just really dislike the socially constructed nature of sex and how prevalent it is and needed it seems to be in a relationship. and then if you're not sexual it's like you're weird or something. nobody gets it. but I don't get what the big idea is about sex. yeah I've had it with someone I was comfortable with and of course it felt good but Idk I don't sit around wishing I could fuck again. making out doesn't always make me want to jump onto someone's dick. sex just isn't really something I focus on because I feel like it blinds people so often to their true feelings which may be so much less or so much more than just thinking the other person is attractive. I wonder if I am biologically programmed to just have a slow labido in comparison to others around me or if perhaps this is a defense mechanism that I somehow have gained. I think it some ways it very well could be but given the fact that I could probably be in a relationship with someone for months and never have sex, just finger and blow jobs and shit, and be pretty much perfectly okay with that shows more than just defenses. Idk. I don't know how to describe it. there are people I've talked tto, friends of mine, who have had sex before and love love love it. they've had sex over 10 times in one day. they will have sex anytime anywhere. no shame or second thoughts. oh my God I just don't get it! one time takes so much energy out of me that I can't even think about what 10 times would be. hell no. I can't even imagine 3. I mean usually when I hve sex I'm self conscience about everything. if I'm on top I think the rolls on my tummy are unattractive. the slight cellulite in my legs show. I hate the way my long lips look like wings around a dick. there is no good explanation I just don't like how they look. I worry my arm pits smell or aren't shaved enough and I worry that I don't have a good enough angle that I'm not going fast enough or deep enough or good enough. it's just so overwhelming I can barely stand it. and then when the Guy flips me over I feel like I should be doing more Than just allowing him to missionary fuck me. no, I should take more control and be more sexual because that's what guys want. buttt I've had sex with someone where I was really thinking those things. and of course it was more enjoyable and less anxiety provoking because I know that person not only cared for me but tthought I was sexy. and I suppose I did genuinly believe it to be true. but I still would not regard sex as something profound or good enough to do 10 times in one day. and that isn't to say the person I was with when I was comfortable was bad because they weren't bad at all, quite the opposite actually, it is just the way I feel. and I thought maybe I'd feel different about sex with time, with different people, but I don't. even with people I'm comfortable with, even with people who I love or thought I loved in that particular moment, it is never the grand finale of fire works I expect it to be. after all, sex is absolutely everywhere and I understand the aesthetic value of sex but not the physical value. it just falls short for me. and I think a main reason I think about this so much and feel like it is a flaw is because I am in the minority. so often in the media, especially pop culture, in music videos and on blogs and celebrities twitters, women are so expected to be and act a certain way. personally I think it is gross because teenage boys watch pornos with girls encouraging guys to cum on their face and in their hair and other dirty gross places. and these same guys develop fantasies about sexual things they can do to women and then maybe they even start to expect women to be into those sexual things because they were/are so exposed to the pornographic mindset so often. but life is not a porno and I don't think many women like that kind of stuff. it really seems misogynist in my opinion. so anyways, now people have this expectation that a woman should be sexual and open to such things. and this bothers me because all over tumblr and in music and in today's culture teenage women are searching desperately to find their identities. and they to music on the radio and they see the things on the internet and start to think they should become bad bitches who like to fuck and like to fuck good and hard. and while there is nothing wrong with anybody enjoying sex to a large degree, I really find this stigma put on sexuality...that being horny frequently, taking control, "conquering the cock" is a real way to be truly a women. im just really not sure I agree with that. I think sexual identity is a part of being a women and acknowledging the power women have over men is vital in becoming a full women. but I don't think it makes a female any less of a woman if she does not have a supreme need or thirst for sex. I think succesfull and admirabke women are able to use their assets to the best of their abilities, plan goals for themselves and achieve them without the reliance of anyone else. sex is not involved in the true independence of a women, it is only identified with, and seemingly culturally attached to, the definition. I'm not sure if any of this makes sense but I really wanted to just get some kind of words out there about how I feel. I don't think I am probably nnot 100% right when I say things like this either bbecause everyone is different and experiences emotions differently. but speaking as a culture, Idk, that's just how I view things. maybe as I become more of a woman down the road I will feel differently about sex but so far not too much has changed. I guess we will just have to wait and see.

Even tho I know it is normal, I still feel like there is something wrong with me given the fact that I'm not as sexual as other people I know. I could probably be in a relationship with someone for months and never have sex and be okay with it.

Scenes from a college experience
Scenes from my bedroom
Scenes from a family camping trip
Scenes from driving drunk
Scenes from continous sexual encounters

Does it say something about my personality that I have been steadily reading a men's self help blog?

Things only get better with positive thinking, rationality, and the truth. If one of those aren't present than no positive change will occur.

Is it positive?
Is it rational?
Is it true?

There are things I must do that I am not doing.
If I really fucked this up for myself I have to change my attitude about everything.
I have to cherish the moments I have and make the best of my time.
I have to look at the good.
I have to eat better and work out everyday.
I have to tell people things, be open, and less inhibited.
I MUST SET GOALS FOR MYSELF
I need some kind of direction.
I need a purpose.

There are thinkers and there are feelers and there are those that think before they feel and feel before they think and idk which one most people are but I do know I sure as hell don't want t be a feeler right about now

A lone wooden bench in the middle of a field with unevenly cut grass and you go to sit on it but a bee stings you on the butt because there is a nest you cannot see underneath of it and you take it as a sign to not sit there alone, no come back when someone can join you peacefully except now the bee stings hurt as they brush against your newly ironed clothes making it hard to walk and\or breathe

I was\am always trying to discard of something I cannot even define

I need to practice something different that isn't this.

Everything I have to say but have no idea how to say it

I don't know how I got myself here but I desperately need something. I am sinking.

So many things are going wrong. I relive the night over and over in my head. Such a simple decision yet I couldn't make it. And that's what scares me the most about this whole thing. That I made the decision without having a clear reason as to why I wanted to. I did this to myself yet I need to rely and bring others down with me because I can't get up by myself. The first time was forgivable but this isn't. This is really, really, bad and there is no excuse and nobody to blame but myself.

I need to figure out why I am like this and where it is coming from. There is definitely a reason. Perhaps I am an alcoholic. I surely do have many qualities of one but I never wanted to admit it. I guess now I have to admit it. But to be honest, I'm not ready to just stop drinking. I am ready to stop putting myself in dangerous situations, but I don't want to stop drinking. I am not even 21 yet. Yet I allowed all of these things to happen to me. I allowed myself to turn my life upside down and taint every image I haven't even created for myself yet.

I know this is a result of negative thoughts and feelings. But I don't know where they are exactly rooted. There are many things that have happened and that have accumulated over the years to result in me being this way, but there is a deeper reason as to why I always drink and can't stop. Why I am afraid to show myself to others. Why I feel like there is nothing even to show.  It kills me to know what this is what I have become, in this present moment. It is heartbreaking to know that I could not do it by myself, not even a little bit. I have never become any less walled than I was before. In fact, I have become more guarded and isolated.

I am constantly living in a shell that I have created for myself. I keep people at insanely calculated distances because that is where they feel safe to me. That is where I feel safe in relevance to them. Nobody can hurt me in the shell. But the thing is that I can hurt myself. And I can hurt myself way more than anybody else can. By keeping people at suck controlled distance, no ones true colors are ever exposed. There is not one single person that has ever been able to fully let themselves be who they truly are around me ever since high school has ended. There are so many defense mechanisms that spill out of my pours that I can't even function.

The truth is that I align myself with a situation, and add alcohol to it so that I am less inhibited and so that I feel I can fit in without thinking too much. Alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy. And this is how I know I have a problem.

I don't know how to make and keep friends. This is because I feel like there is nothing inside of me. There are times where I don't know how to speak. Don't know what to say. I feel like the air is being sucked out of the room and I can't stop thinking. I can't stop blaming myself for being unable to deliver. I feel humorless, negative, pathetic. But when I drink I don't feel that way. I feel sexy and independent and capable of anything. I can talk a huge game about many things because I can bullshit and they can believe it. I can connect effortlessly and endlessly. There is a live body filling my chair, talking knowledgeably, happily laughing. There is me, delivering in ways I could never have delivered before. It is perfect and easy and I never want it to stop because it feels good to be in the regulated air and not suffocating in the hot hair above everybody's heads. But there are downsides too.  I can convince myself I want something, that it's completely right, when it's totally fucking wrong as well. I have a false perception of pride. I think alcohol is going to open me up but it's so counter productive. I drink alcohol to shield myself yet it's almost like it's the only thing that can make me feel butterflies for a second. The thing is though that every thought and feeling I have while drinking is fabricated with calculated disbelief. It is a bunch of denial.

So friends are given a false view. Because we are 20 and we like to drink. And when we aren't drinking the interaction is low because I don't know how to be anything else. I try to give myself to others in sober ways. I hangout with people sober of course but it doesn't seem to go anywhere. Nothing is felt. I let people become vulnerable towards me, but I never am vulnerable towards them. And it's useless. It's pathetic because theyre the ones that deliver and I don't. Because feeling is never there. They could be the nicest person in the world. They could do anything for me. I could feel completely comfortably sexually with them. I could talk to them effortlessly because I know they wouldn't judge me. Yet, I feel nothing. It's fucking sickening. I don't want to hurt people who try to help me. I don't want to hurt people who deserve the greatest love in the world. I don't want to hurt people who I never intended on hurting.

I keep thinking I will meet people and something will be different. But nothing is different. Just because someone has facial hair and likes good music doesn't mean it's going to be different. Again, vulnerability sets in and it isn't on my part. And again I am hurting someone who does not deserve to be hurt. They just want to be saved, essentially. Except, I can't do that for them. I need to save myself and I am over here drowning.

My life is a mess and so am I. I don't know what I want to do with college. I want to go away but I feel I fucked that for myself. I want to find a purpose but I don't know what that is either. I don't want to keep going to school spending money for nothing if I don't know what I want to do. It's all just a fucking mess. School sucks, I don't know how to keep friends, and I don't know how to open myself or accept myself enough to be vulnerable enough to love. I need help.

I act like shit is good but nothing is good. I can't believe I put myself in this position so easily and so fucking effortlessly. I have so much shame and anger. I am supposed to be living my life easily and enjoying it. I am supposed to happy. But i've never really been happy. I've just continued to live in a world in which I convince myself i'm happy. I've never known true happiness. I don't know what it's like to live with passion, integrity, and purpose. I don't know how to be happy with myself without the use of isolation or alcohol. I just don't. And that makes me weak but I guess it'd make me weaker if I didn't know how to admit it.

It's funny though or rather ironic because I am the person I have continually ready about in books and watched in movies. I am that troubled person who searches desperately for years to find a reason or a way out. But one day they make it out okay. One day everything they have gone through and fought through is worth it because they end up happier and more knowledgeable than they would have been otherwise. Right? This happens, right? There is a reason behind this and there has GOT to be some sort of silver lining. Please say yes. Please say yes. I am begging you.

One day maybe I will be able to be at peace with who I am and what I do and stand for. I will be that spiritual girl I think I can be deep down. But it is going to take a lot of time and effort and energy. There are many hurdles I need to jump over because I can see the silver lining. and god, do I fucking hope there is a silver lining. I don't know what I would do if there wasn't.

(Aspects) of college
On alcoholism
Love thyself before you love another - incapacity for emotion

Everything is an illusion. We are just passing through.

Please do not fall in love with me
Please do not leave me
Please just let me sleep
Please do not judge me

Sometimes I want to go to bed and wake up a different person.

Why can't I be drunk all the time

I DON'T CARE

I don't want to give myself because I don't even know who that is

No sense of satisfaction

I dont want to face the reality

Okay I'm done now. Atleast there is room for growth and positivity

Everything is centered around a broken heart.

Actions speak louder than words

Lying there
staring at the blank white of the back of your shirt
With a distance so long
As if you had knives in the small of your back
I realized everything good is somehow short lived.
But you had told me that even the quickest of flames never die
Which really just told me that what you thought was the sun
I regarded as a mere candle

Feelings are nonexistent. Forreal. I am a fool to think it'd be different any time. It is never different and it never will be

What a fucking PUSSY

I don't like being this way

If I put no effort in I am fogotten

I want to be someone different

Positive

I am eager to learn everything I can, experience life for all it's worth. I am a good listener. I like to help people. I will always be there to talk to if someone needs me. I am reliable. I have a good work ethic. I am not so awkward it is painful. I am not a dead fish. I am a good person. I am not ugly. I have nice teeth and feet and butt. I am accepting because i cannot judge you. I can turn you on. I have good taste in music and food and art. I just want to be at peace.

My feet are cold
somewhere there are birds kissing and loving
But not the ones in my chest
Somewhere that isn't here but is somewhere close and very similar to here clarity comes in the form of colored cotton sheets and an overly loud laundry machine
You never open your eyes as much as they twitch
I thought the clouds would be fluffy
but they just brought the rain

Negative

Mindset Is aa choice not a destiny or fate. Just like the words used yo describe a situation or a feeling or anything at all. If one wants to change there must be a shift in underlying beliefs that keep the mindset alive. It is one thing to tell yourself life and people are a certain way on a consistent basis, but it is a whole other ball game when it comes to not only believing in what you say but also acting in ways that show/proove that you do.

It is hard to really allow myself to feel emotions. I suppose I might have become so familiar with regression that I forgot how to initiate. In so many ways I learned how to just shut everything off. And I hate to make it seem like my life is terrible or rough because it really isn't. But bad things have happened and my defense mechanism for all of them was to just not acknowledge the underlying hurt I kept carrying around, and still do. I realize now that this is an extremely selfish way to be. Although deep down I do want to be loved and cared for and also care for others, I use people to try and proove to myself that I'm better than I feel inside and that I am worthy of some sort of love. But it is a very selfish way to be because I still do not deliver reciprocally towards much of anyone and for some reason those I do are the ones who don't deserve it .

So what does that tell me about me? Well, I am not whole and this is why so many of the same things have occurred. Although this is brought on by poor judgments and dumb decisions, there are other reasons behind it. I search for people who are broken in some way, who need my fixing. Maybe because it will give me a reason to be there. Idk. But then when I find someone who isn't broken, who has their shot together, it intimidates me. I start to believe that they wouldn't want to be my friend because I'm so messed up. I try to keep it together on the outside but i think it is pretty obvious. I acknowledge many things about myself but perhaps with a combination of being comfortable within "darkness" and not knowing exactly how to change, I become stuck. I mean, I change in small ways, make small baby steps here and there. But I'm not sure how to let things filter through me. Let life just absorb into my skin cells.

That's what a whole person does. They're sure of themselves, they have a path with objectives and goals. And even if they don't, they have a plan to figure it out. Life is contradicting itself right now because while I am supposed to go with the flow, so they say, I am also supposed to be the architect of my life and change and sculpt it to how I want to look. It just doesn't make sense. But I need to get to a place of self assurance. I need to stop this dissonance and I need to heal myself before it is too late and I keep missing these connections.

I have got to open up, spill my water, and allow myself to feel something. Anything.

And this problem I have can definitely be seen as a result of the events that have happened in my life, but it is wrong of me to sit here or there or anywhere and blame my parents or ex boyfriends for this. No. I blame myself for not being able to realize the true extent of my defense mechanisms and for allowing them to cover me like a blanket during the cold winter months that I never wanted to take off. And you know what? I never did take it off. And I've said this before and I will say it many times over, I need to get rid of this black layer to reveal the white layer. I did it on my blog but it was short lived. I haven't done it to myself. I haven't been able to alone.

And I feel like I've failed myself because of that. I know I shouldn't think that way but it seems true and real. Somehow, only negative emotions seem real and true.

All of the things I've ever said in this blog have never left my being. All of the hurt and pain I've felt never stopped existing, I just stopped acknowledging it was there.

If I want to get anywhere, to anything, be someone, I have to really learn what it is like to be open yet self assured that nothing will happen to me. Because all I am is constant defense mechanisms and that is why I keep missing these connections.

But there are ways to fix this if I really put my mind to it. And if there was ever a sign that nows the time, it definitely is right now, right this instant, while I've got the malleability in all these areas.

I've got to believe in myself.
I am not alone.

Puzzle pieces.
There is a reason for this.
It is not you it has always been
Me

Water never spills
Nothing gets to swim
I still am forever
Floating

Literally all the lyrics to Zero by Smashing Pumpkins

Do not haunt my dreams

Do things really fall into place like everyone says they will?

The one person I atually develop feelings for I can't fucking be with. Nothing seems to run smoothly.

You are what you feed your head.

I hate myself so much

It's so easy to fake it that the lines blur and it becomes seemingly real

I can't decide if I want to read a book, watch shameless, or do none of those

posted from Bloggeroid

CAUTION: wet floor
CAUTION: objects in mirror are closer than they appear

posted from Bloggeroid

I don't see what others see in me

posted from Bloggeroid

What is this
What am I

I might have hurt you, but I think I hurt myself a whole lot more

posted from Bloggeroid

I HAVE GOT TO PUT MY HEART SOMEWHERE

"If you wake up every morning and don't want to impress the one you're with, you haven't found the right person"

I actually sort of feel lonely right now

My life right now is just one big tangled ball of indecision.

I just want to know what it is that I keep searching for

I keep relentlessly and even effortlessly prooving to myself I am unemotional. I am, and forever will be, a castle wall

If I mention you in my blog, you're important in some aspect

Last night was fucking weird

The only way I am capable of emotion is if I drink some liquor but not too much, just enough, and then become so vulnerable I spill my liquid sequentially to those who I guess seem thirsty

"I was swimming. More like floating" "they always come home at the wrong time"

things I need to do this summer:

-start my garden.

-read Catcher in the Rye

-read my psychology text book again.

-take more pictures and/or video.

-work out.

The only person I ever felt comfortable around sexually was you.

Replace my face with an inanimate object bc it has basically the same feeling as me anyway.

at first I hated floating, now I want nothing else.

life is too damn short for me to sit around and not have fun. life is too damn short for me to miss out on the good weather, chance to learn new things, and hangout with new people. summer is approaching; I must sieze any and all opportunity  I must turn my face towards the sunlight, let it penetrate my being. I must put down my phone and enjoy the company I have. Life is so beautiful, I don't want to miss it for a single second.

SOMETHING LIKE THIS BUT NOT THIS

What you need from me you've got inside you

Fond
But
Not
in
Love

I'm so bad at being friends with girls lol

"I can't go back cause I know how it feels to open and breathe"

I want to love but I don't know how.

I hate myself more than you could ever love me

I cannot escape facial hair and heavy guitar. I just can't.

the funny thing about poetry is that it's all about word segmenting

the funny thing
about
poetry is
that it's all
about word
segmenting.


the funny thing
about words
are that when they
are segmented into
short types of lines,
it almost sounds like a poem.

the funny thing about words are that when they are segmented into short types of lines, it almost sounds like a poem.

you,
us,
and we,
are just words to fill the placement
of unknown body shapes, face structures, and scents.
they mean absolutely
nothing.
they are essentially
bottomless and faceless and even more importantly,
meaningless.

Simultaneously sitting, never saying a word, never touching, just breathing, no sound just the steady up and down of our breathing and yet my ears and eyes are filled with the static that comes from the electricity between us and it fills me up to a degree I can't quite determine and I feel as if I will pop open at any second, burst all my fluid onto to the floor and finally, finally, we'd swim

I keep having sex dreams what the hell is happening to me

nothing
ever
takes hold
of
my
heart
strings.
I am forever
f l o a t i n g

I miss when I was young and would watch sex and the city or the sopranos in the dark late at night in my room and I would see a naked person like maybe some slight boobage or something close to a dick but not really a dick and I would get seriously turned on just from that. I miss that blatant naivete very much.

Weekends feel sucessful when spent drunk. That's kind of sad

You filled holes in me I didn't even know I had.

Shit you're cute

I had an almonst full detailed dream about a woman. oh my gosh do I want it now.

What if I made ever shower at college a shower beer shower. Oh my god yes!!!

I once went downtown to sake bomb with some friends I hadn't hungout with in a while. I drank some rum before I got there and continued to get drunk until I was too drunk for life. Literally. We went back to my friends apartment, drank more, and then went to a bar. They left me in the apartment by accident I guess and I was too drunk to find the bar even tho it was only right down the street. I proceeded to get lost in philly. I found some kid who I didn't know and I forget his name and he helped me find a cap and then stayed with me during the whole cab ride home. I have no idea who he was or why he did that to me but he did. I spent $30 on a cab home and felt endlessly shameful after it was over

I got a question for ya...are you a faggot or are you a faggot?

someone to purposely get lost with just so time becomes irrelevant

fall in love in swimming pools while the chlorine burns your eye sight

i'm HORRRRRIBLE at doing work in a timely matter. ughhh

small goals to achieve the big ones.

big goal: by my 21 bday I want to be 15 pounds skinnier.

that gives me:  5 months and 12 days.
that means: 3 pounds a month.

I can do it.

I like being single

I can't stop thinking about the fact that I am incapable of feeling

If nobody knows, it never happened

I will not deny the fact that females of all ages, all around the world, face pressure from the media to appear, act, and feel a certain feminine way, but I don't think many people realize just how much of a strain it must be to appear equally as masculine for men in today's society.

rest in shells i've designed,
there's a sun that shines in-
breathe! love is air.
where are you?
where are you?
there's a sun that shines in you.

some stupid things

"I feel most alone on a bad date, when you’re sitting across from someone who clearly doesn’t get you and never will. You wonder how someone that looked so good on paper could get lost in translation. You wonder just how hard it is to find someone who looks at things the same way you do. Are you really such a rarity? Is the way you look at life really so odd? That’s loneliness to me: feeling like you’re not being heard or recognized and sitting across from a person who was supposed to be part of your tribe but isn’t. Not even close."

"My worst fear is being older and looking back at my twenties with a sting of regret because I was too locked inside of myself, was too scared of everything and anything. I’ve created this cozy little nook for myself but it’s become too alienating. I know everybody should go out of their comfort zone because that’s when amazing things usually happen."

"It may seem like a lot of this stuff is not in your control, that you don’t have the power to change it, but you’re often wrong. You do. It would just involve a little bit more work and responsibility, which a lot of people just aren’t ready for. They say they want to change, they say they want to make things better but the reality is that the bad things still feel good to them. They don’t want to stop the bad habits. A lot of their identity is invested in them and they don’t know who they’d be without it."

nights
may keep you suave
may bring the stars.
nights
may bring you love
may bring back love

I actually hate myself and think alcohol is my friend but alcohol is not my friend alcohol is an enemy in disguise

this has absolutely no relevance at all but it was said a couple times tonight:


"I overlooked an orchid searching for a rose."

Always give a girl a straw with her drink.
Never order wings.
Someone remind me to brush my teeth.

I don't attach myself to anything.
A N Y T H I N G
This is definitely a problem.

"When your date looks at you like there's noone else in the room, you can't put a value on that. It's priceless."

"When your date looks at you like there's noone else in the room, you can't put a value on that. It's priceless."

It is quite funny that people will admit they dislike something but yet are so passionate about their dislike for that something that they devote as much or more time to it then they would to something they actually like.

Irony.

So I guess if you wanna know me all ya gotta do is read my twitter

I may or may not be an alcoholic.

if you want it you have to reach for it.
you atleast have to try.
if you don't even attempt it then you will NEVER get it

why have I not created a list of amazing one liners from Minus the Bear.
this is  MUST.

If you want me to go on a second date with you, do not try to kiss me on the first.

I am so fat this is just not okay. I don't stick to my convictions I don't even try to lose fucking weight when I know I should. what the fuck. I am so fat this is not okay. I can't keep pushing this off it's just going to get worse. If I worked out I would feel better and look better and probably get what I want out of my life more. I need to listen to myself and stop this bullshit. I am not doing myself any good being this way. I am so fat this is just not okay

i'd like to be taken apart from the inside

I should write again.

YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF
YOU DON'T FIND YOURSELF, YOU CREATE YOURSELF

how is it possible to be so attracted to someone you have never met before?

there really is no nice way of telling someone you only like them for their cock

are you always sad?
someone asked.
(always is such a long, long time.)
I couldn't say.
But.
If sadness was a sea, I would drown in it.
(Salty and warm, sadness is).
(Cold too, somtimes.)

And I happen to love the sea.

hopefully at Upark I will find a dark haired guy with facial hair who likes good music, alcohol, good books, art, and coooking. is that a lot to ask for?



maybe I can't ask to find someone defined if i'm not even defined

SOME THINGS YOU DO REALLY PISS ME THE FUCK OFF.

You are the cutest boy at the party yet I'm afraid to tell you

how
am
I
happy
but
yet
still
lacking
in
some
way
that
I can't
even
determine?!

most of the time I don't have a lot to say.

I never really have a lot to say.

But other times I have a little bit of something to say, as if I actually know what I am talking about.

As much as I will tell you, and act, and feel like I am a solid rock which cannot be broken,
I don't think I will ever give up on:
wanting a valentine on valentines day.
wanting to float in outerspace with you
wanting to float in the ocean for a couple of hours with you
wanting to feel like it is okay to finally spill my water all over the floor
everywhere
all over the sheets, my clothes, your clothes, everybody's clothes
let it spill and collect
up the walls
and over my shoulders
and through my nose
and in my eye lids
and in my head
let it drown me
let me swim
let me become a fish
let me drink my water
pee it out
drain the blockage
break the blockage
break the barrior
break.

I will never give up on wanting you to be no longer be meaningless, faceless, and bottomless.
Yet I am the least bit lonely, longing, or sad.
I'm not sure this makes sense.

Most times I have nothing to say
and then there are other times that I think I have so much to say that the black words compile on top of one another and give me too much writers block to be able to think properly
I have so much to say to my long lost friend! (blog)
I have so much to account for and be excited for and do and want.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined and that is okay because that is the point of it all.
I am 20 and I am unrefined but I think I am sorta happy because I am 20 and I am not supposed to be anywhere except half up and half down and half off and half on and one day I won't be 20 and I won't be unrefined but I will still be okay. Maybe a little more clever.

I am different than who I used to be.
People think I am social. The person inside my head does not feel very social.
It is funny that the person I think I am is the opposite of what others think of me.
But the real question is, are they wrong or am I wrong?

I am 20 and I am unrefined, undefined

stream

i'm not perfect but it too me a long time to be able to realize that I am my own worst enemy and that I HAVE and NEED to remain in full control of my body, thoughts, mind, and actions at all times. I stopped smoking weed because weed makes me stiff, awkward, self conscious  and then I become a brick wall again like all those other times and I don't get anywhere at all. I camaflouge myself into the maroon red behind my back. The wall I have turned away from. I lose my thoughts inside my head and the negative swirl begins, taking me with it. Keeping me swirling swirling into a black whole of empty nothingness. There is no fun there.

I wanted to believe that I could remain the same, do the same things, but just somehow feel different.  But I cannot. Life is about growth, change, discomfort.  I wanted to believe that somehow a switch would be turned on and I would and could just change without ever having to do anything. But I was wrong in the conviction because that is a bunch of naive thinking. Instead, I realized that I have no room to think. I have no right or correct sense to overthink myself into a holes as deep as the ocean. By doing that I take myself out of situations, float around in the hot air above the room, and watch as my insecurities lick my skin and devour me. It is a selfish way to be. To not deliver like that. To stone wall myself and become guarded, like I have too much treasure and you have too much space. But it doesn't really work like that, now does it? We could both be oceans colliding together. Or a fish in my vast ocean. Or I am a fish in your ocean. It is all interconnected, but not when one is stonewalled.

I am not perfect but life is a learning process and I have come pretty far. I still have walls up though. I am still not self solidified but once I get there is when things go boom, in the good way. I still indulge quickly, and then back out as quickly as I came, before I or he could even catch either one of our breaths. It is not supposed to work like that. Because when his eyes light up like he's found the girl he's looking for, why the hell can't you just be that girl for atleast a couple minutes, huh? It still is hard for me to let someone love me. I'm used to it now, ya know, so used to being alone without feelings. But sometimes, at really rare times, I can feel what it'd be like to have those walls crack a little, have those birds fly out a little, sing a little. It would probably take a lot to get there but maybe one day it will happen.

I do not wear my hear on my sleeve, despite what sweater I might be wearing that day.

nothing transitions well but it's okay because it doesn't matter because it's okay it's okay it's okay
slowly but surely it all fades together.

I used to be so broken but that is no more.
Life is a journey and nobody should ever be the enemy.
Life is a fun, happy, exciting adventure and everybody should be your friend.
Because you can learn from everybody and just like me, or you, or us, we all are capable of being vulnerable, sad, broken, alone.
We are all of those things.
But we are so many other things too.

and I keep saying it like I've never ever said it before.

Everything is double sided, you just have to look.

Yeah

My problemn is I don't know how to effectively have a balance between positive and negative.

Also I need to have more constructing and eye opening conversations.

I have a lot to learn. I can't allow myself to become hindered by my emotions and feelings of insecurities that tell me to stop this, or be afraid of that. Insecurities are like addiction, or an eating disorder. Or maybe that is the root of it.

I have been happy lately bc I kind of know how to deal with the absense of negative thought. But I'm not sure I know how to sucessfully live a comfortable ad stable life inside the two, simultaneously.

In large part, I do believe that self reliance could solve a lot of these problems. I guess I keep thiking I am a long way away from that, but the reality is that in a very short time I will be out of college, and societally expected to do many things on my own. This both excites me and scares me. But mostly it just scares me. Instead of taking this fear and living inside oof it, I MUST, if I want to do anything, get anywhere, and be happy, use it as motivation to grow as a person, learn life skills, and gain truthful self reliance.

Knowledge and interpersonal skills are absolutely everything in this world.

Life has too many distractions. There are many things I want to learn and do bc I feel like they will help me figure out what to become. But it is so hard to actually sit down and devote the needed time to actually do that. This is another problem.

Unfortunately, when I let myself critically think, I often start to believe that my problems serverely outweigh my successes. AND THIS IS A PROBLEM. This is when thhe negative thinking begins again and everything is a cyclee.

So, what is needed here is the proper time and attention to learn the things I want to learn and apply them to my life. I have to do this if I want to live. I must strive for better or else I will remain stagnant, and that is no fun. And I must love myself (and can only do so within the journey) before I can love what's around me or let anyone else love me.

Everything is double sided, I just have to be willing to look in the right places.

healthy meal alternatives
caffinated teas
resume/weekend job
asexuality/sex in general
love?


http://allpsych.com/disorders/sexual/sexualaversion.html
http://www.asexuality.org/home/
http://asexualitystudies.org/

I am sick and twisted.

Nobody gives a fuck about me. I have no fucking real friends