People that sit on the train with a seat next to them while another person stands are the worst kinds of people. 

One of the lonliest thoughts I’ve ever had is that nobody will ever be me. Nobody will ever again in the history of the world be exactly who I am. And while that is beautifully unique, it is fucking terrifying and lonely. Am I destined to be misunderstood? Is everyone misunderstood? 

I guess what I am trying to get at is the difference between feeling confident, sexy, ready, in the comfort of ones own familiar room, only for that to disappear once out in public.

I know I am an alcoholic because I haven't had a drink in over a week and it's 5pm and it's all I can think about.

I also know I am an alcoholic because I get anxious on social settings where getting too drunk would be inappropriate. The anxiety comes from not trusting that I won't end up that way. Examples of these events include work dinners, hanging out with new friends, or potentially having to drive.

There is no such thing as one drink. There is no such things as control or moderation. It isn't about learning these skills, paying attention to my body, slowing down. It's unavoidable. It's all consuming. Once the button is pushed it can't be turned off until it overheats and disengages. Until it breaks temporarily. 

I know I am an alcoholic when I feel like I lost my sense of self relative to social settings because I stopped being sober in them.

I know I am alcoholic because I discreetly drink during situations that make me anxious or uncomfortable. I use alcohol to escape feelings that are triggered by situations.

I know I am an alcoholic because of the one time I started thinking negative thoughts and literally reached over to my night stand to take a sip of my drink, only to realize I didn't have one. Because I was trying not to drink. In that moment I felt like I lost my best friend. This one thing that kept me standing up right.

I know I am alcoholic because the one thing I somehow think keeps me standing upright is actually the one thing that is hindering my forward progress. And that's the trickery of addiction. That's the warped, consumed mindset that happens when something so self descructive is also something that is just so, so, sweet. And it doesn't really matter how many times you forgot yourself, how many times you escaped your brain or your body or both of those things just to engage in life (when you're really not engaging because you're just really forgetting), it doesn't matter how much money you spend, how many friendships you ruin, how much your gut is begging you to stop, the little bit of positivity that comes from that first drink, and then all the millions of drinks after it, exceeds all of that.

I know I am alcholic when alcohol becomes poetic. When alcohol is romanticized. When drinking of the train is my idea of fun. When being drunk in public is exciting because no one know. When drinking feels rebellious. When being drunk and hardened and calloused and closed is the vibration that's most familiar.

I know I am alcoholic. And that means I have to stop drinking. And I know I am an alcoholic because I don't want to stop drinking, despite knowing it is the best decision I could probably make for myself.

I know I am an alcoholic because I feel more ready than I ever have in my life to stop drinking, but I don't feel ready ENOUGH to actually stop.

sometimes, things feel really really tough. like you're sinking in quick sand or mud and you can't get out and you're slipping away quickly with something to grip onto.

it's a really tough feeling to feel that way.

but then other times, things just somehow seem to make sense.

somehow, it seems like all the negative things and times it feels like you're slip slip slipping away quickly are actually worth it, and they somehow seem to make sense.

the chain reaction makes sense

my senior year of high school I found my love for cooking. the first thing I ever made was a homemade mac and cheese. came out great.

the second thing I made that made me love cooking was a spicy swiss chard soup. that was the first time I fell in love with cooking.

i've loved cooking ever since. and sometimes i've hated myself for loving food. sometimes I still do because I don't feel happy with my body which makes me feel guilty about loving to cook and bake.

but that's where it kind of all makes sense

being unhappy with my body has given me a chance to change my diet, cooking styles, and eating habits.

i've been cooking for years, but have only recently realized how much cooking, and food in general, has actually taught me.

trying to eat healthy, watching what I eat, has made me learn so much.

just by trying to monitor how much I eat and what I eat, I have learned to take one day at a time. 

I have learned the true power of presence and being mindful and to really sit with my feelings. to let my food digest. to not be impulsive when I feel a food craving. to think before I act. whether that be what I put into my body food or drink-wise, or about my thoughts too.

I have learned how to be a lighter person and a more patient person from changing my relationship with food.

I have learned to be thankful  to the earth for its bounty, especially that which is specific to the months.

I have learned the true power of the mind body connection. And that when you eat healthy, your mind is healthy. 

Things like this do not happen by chance. I willed this to happen.  I led myself here on my own, by listening to my gut.  By doing what I know is best for me and my body.

When you make decisions like that, it resonates with you. It lifts you higher. 

When people judge other people it isn't actually the other person they're judging. It's themselves.
It's the reaction of whatever feelings get activated when interacting with that person. When people can't handle that reaction, they go into defense mode and judge them. Because it's easier to judge other people, to push them away, to call them names or file them into a compartment in which you deem yourself "better than", because it feels better.

This is my 1600th post.

Oh my fucking god.

things do not happen by chance. you seek them out. we seek things out based on our thoughts. we seek them out based on our wants. we form relations between songs, bands, albums, words, pictures, colors. we form connections between those things and our world. it isn't an accident. it's real. it's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through you.

how do you go there? Can I be vulnerable enough to allow myself to feel your pain? I'm not sure where my pain ends and you begin. I'm not sure where it's supposed to end.

Inside, somewhere, there is a power. I've always loved the quote about how it isn't our darkness we are afraid of, it's our light. It's true. Especially for women. We aren't born in a nurturing world. We aren't told it's okay to take up space. We cross our legs to make room for someone next to us. We take diet pills to shrink. We silence our voices. It's real. It's subtle, but it runs deep, and long, and hard through us. And it fucking hurts.

Our world is confusing. It's too complicated. It's too hard. I don't want to be hard anymore. I don't want to be a victim anymore. I'm so sick of looking at my phone constantly. I am so sick of hardening myself to alcohol.  I shock my nervous every time. I am a callous.

I did this to myself. I cannot forget these things. I cannot be mad at myself for these things, but I need really feel these things, truly, deeply, and longingly.

Maybe at one point it's easy to lie to oneself. Maybe it's always easy. I lie to myself everyday. I tell myself it's okay to eat food at 10pm. I tell myself it's okay that I didn't work out today. Or that I'm okay even though I feel like I haven't let out a breath in years. I tell myself I need to settle. That this is all life has for me. That this is all i'm meant for.

Why? Who said that? Who determines that? It's nobody's business. It's nobody's decision.

I need to take the control. I need to find a way to sit inside of the control, feel it, and absorb it, and know it.

Because it's fucking mine. This is all mine. Everything i've ever done, everything i'm left with, it's what I have manifested.

I choose what I put into my body. I choose what I feed my head. I choose if I want to love people or hate people and if I want to let that be a determining factor in how my day is going.

I choose if I should watch netflix or read a book. I choose if I should eat a salad or a cheesesteak. I choose if I should be a vegetarian or an omnivore.

When you're young, you're a victim. You're a result of circumstance. You lack control.

When you're 25 and seemingly independent, you gain control. You assume the responsibility, like it or fucking not. And you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

If you're family is chaotic, rise above. If people decided that they didn't love you, rise above. If people abandoned you, rise above. Circumstance does not dictate value. It's so fucking hard to understand and comprehend it, but it's true.

One person's decision to stop loving you does not mean you are unlovable.

I am a callous and I don't want to be.

I turned myself inside out on purpose. I used to write in here. I used to feel it and I didn't want to feel it. So I stopped. I shut myself off. And now I am a callous.

Now I feel nothing and it tears me apart. But I did this for a reason. I let myself become a callous for a reason. I couldn't continue being vulnerable in an environment that was hurting me.

But now I have the power. And I need to channel the power. Surround myself with things that uplift me. I have to be fucking honest about my life and myself. I have to trust my gut.

I have to stop feeding myself, literally, things that are bad for me. I have to stop making excuses. I have the control. If I do not take the control, I have absolutely no room to complain. Even victim's of circumstance can control how they react.

Being a callous means you know something logically, but you don't feel it emotionally. There is no blood line. There is no heart string.

I'm trying to wonder what the point is. I can't stop asking myself what the point is. And I keep doing that, as if I am not in control.

See; I lose it. It's so easy to lose it.

It's okay to lose it. But you have to get it back.

To be happy is to have control, and feel powerful. I'm 25 and I need to wake up. I can't continue feeding myself negativity. I can't keep bringing down my energy. I have to listen to my body. To my gut.

Control means harnessing the energy.
Control means an internal feeling that isn't dictated by outside forces.
Control means acknowledging that it's okay to feel out of control. Sometimes. Not always.
Control is feeling happy with your body. Flaws and all.

It's not okay to keep shrinking.
It's not okay to keep calloused.