(lots of grammar mistakes in this, fyi)

life is funny lately. the discomfort I often feel is only going to sink by facing that same discomfort. I have decided to put myself out there and say yes to almost everything. I need more life experiences, stories to tell, and places to stretch my limbs. as I have stated here or elsewhere, I don't really remember, this enables me to become a yes man and agree to doing things. I will not drive drunk or do drugs tho, obviously.

with this being said it seems the first experiences to seize are dates with guys. although I have only been on two dates within the past week which might not seem like much, it definitely feels like a huge change from the 0 dates I have been on in the (very close to) past two years. The good thing about dates is that the guys pay for the food and you get to enjoy it for everything it is worth. the bad thing about dates is that guys probably feel a sense of entitlement afterwards. "I paid $40 to take you out tonight. I better receive a(tleast a) kiss, damnit". haw. any guy expecting more than that, as in some sort of tuggy in the back of his cold car or even worse than that I wouldn't be on a date with anyways. These dates are interesting though, and make me want to start a diary strictly documenting the courses of actions taken throughout the nights, tactics of each male, conversations had, and, most of all, how long each male can go on continuously talking about themselves for.

Dates are funny because it is almost always apparent that both parties are nervous but, of course, never openly admit it. Eye contact is always weird. We live in a world where we are so afraid to act ourselves out of fear of judgment. To some people it is so intense they never go out on dates ever, or even do anything similar to it. I mean this, right here, is what I am trying to steer myself away from because it does no good.

anyways. the thing with dates is that there are so many different kinds. I mean there are blind dates where you just meet the person and have to endure 2 or more hours of making up conversation with someone you know nothing about. this can go in good or bad ways, it really depends and is what ultimately leads to the decision of another date of not. Then there are those dates with people you have texted a little bit, only know a small amount of info on them, but you go out anyways. These dates are somewhat more smooth because you atleast know where to steer the conversation in the beginning but can be daunting because you barely know each other. Then there are the dates where you've texted or hungout with the person a lot before dating them. These dates are usually the best because you have a good sense of who they are and can make conversation based on what you know they will like. These kinds of dates can be nerve raking through when two people are very different. The person must filter their thoughts more and gear them to topics of interest while the topics to talk about are slim. either way, dates can be a bit weird solely because you are both nervous due to the fact that you want them to like you and they want you to like them, and also because energy now has to be shared between only the two of you, where as in a group setting it is completely different.
This is the most nerve racking part for me. So often I want to just remain silent and not say much, but silence scares me. It is like if I remain silent it will be anything put that, and once silence ensues the awkward eye contact is made and it all goes down hill from there. If this really would happen, or does happen, I'm not really sure, but I try my best to ignore it because I am afraid of it. I'm not afraid to admit that, though.
so date number one was with someone I had hung out with a couple times in a group setting and have texted a little bit. It was apparent we were/are both interested in each other. truthfully, I was just waiting around for him to ask me out but it never happens so I took initiative. He jumped on the opportunity right away, a sign he was just nervous to ask. Nervousness, kind of cute. Attractive. In the same ways sadness is somehow attractive as long as it's not the sole emotion. so he picked me up. We decided to go to a sushi place near me. to my surprise he brought a bottle of wine with him. The waitress didn't care how old we were, didn't even ask, so we casually drank it while eating a talking. I was extremely nervous for this date. I do not ever date, put myself out there, or even ask guys on dates, but I really put myself out there on this one. Conversation actually ran quite smoothly and I Was feeling happy with myself for not fucking it up. lol. Then we were done eating and it was like 9 and I didn't want to go home so we went to his house. I don't know if me saying I didn't mind going there sounded like an invitation to do sexual things with him, but I did not intend for it to sound that way. That's the one problem with guys. They take everything in sexual context. Anyways though, we went to his house and sat on his couch about a foot away. If he didn't know I wanted to kiss him he was crazy. I asked him on the date, it was his chance to make the next move. After about what felt like a year, and after him progressively getting closer to me, he finally leaned in and kissed me. "jesus," he said, "took me long enough!" ahha. funny. able to laugh at self. again, nervous but cute. I really had wanted to kiss him for a long time. I think what I initially liked about him was his ability to appear real to me. He wasn't someone who always seemed happy or always sad. He shows a bit of fear or insecurity in his smile, but is outwardly able to be funny and social and I liked that. Aside from that, he is tall with great hands. Just some small things I enjoyed about him. I know these are physical and only mean so much, but that's the only basis I had. While at his house he attempted to do more with me but I didn't want to and he understood. Thank god. So we just talked and what not.
two days later we hung out again. This time at his place with a group of people. Drinking, listening to music, etc. I slept over and he attempted to do more but I didn't want to, again. I felt bad this time because he so obviously wanted to/was horny and I know it is hard for guys to control that stuff. But this stuff freaks me out. It isn't that I like this guy. I wouldn't say I like him just yet, but the interest is still there. I enjoy what I know of him so far but I am afraid for it to turn sexual.
Sexual interest can be really deceiving. Meaning, one can mistake lust for actual liking very easily. I don't know. I am scared. This stuff freaks me out. Also I am not the most comfortable when it comes to sex. I want to be but never have been. It sucks. I know I shouldn't worry about it but I do. ugh I don't know. having sex is just such a big act of openness. I mean it is the MOST intense act of openness one can do. It means a lot to see someone naked, view someone from multiple angels. IT FREAKS ME OUT.
anyways I don't really know where to take it from here except for slow and steady so that's what I'm doing. no overthinking of what not. things are what they are, they should progress naturally and with ease. too much thought kills things. it's overthinking something until you can't feel it anymore. hmm.

date number 2. he picked me up and we went to tgi fridays. I was a lot less nervous for this date for a couple reasons. We had texted a lott lot lot which gave me a good idea of the person he is. I was able to understand him in a way. Also, because I had just been on a different date, I was a but more confident that I wouldn't screw up. Granted, I was still nervous. We are pretty different as far as our interests go. or really, as far as anything goes, and I was afraid we wouldn't be able to make conversation. I was really wrong about this because we were able to talk for a long while. What I liked about him was that he didn't talk overly so about himself. What he did was he talked about his friends and their lives and their roles in his life and vise versa. This is something I would do, and did do. He was also pretty relaxed which I thought was nice. I wasn't really sure how he felt going into the date. If he was nervous he did a good job at hiding it and transforming it into smoothness. dinner was nice then we drove around bc there was nothing else to do. Finally we decided on going to a movie. I am weird with hooking up in movies. that's a lie actually. i'm weird with hooking up in general. I become very stiff, not really knowing how to outwardly portray emotions. at my core I am an introvert and so I feel as if I freeze inside of myself many times before it actually happens. He took my hand is this cute little way and we started holding hands. Eventually he moved the arm rest and I moved closer to him and then one thing led to the other and I made the move to kiss him. I felt confident I could kiss him. He obviously wanted to and wasn't about to turn it down. What was nice was that he wasn't overly forceful with the kiss. At first I thought he didn't even want to do it in the first place because he was so relaxed. It was a nice night but in a way I feel that's all it was.

I guess with these experiences I learn not to be so judgmental of myself. I have so many inhibitions about things and I am very fearful for how others will perceive me or how my facial expressions will look. Really though, people think I am a cool girl and for some reason that is hard for me to except because I feel so opposite deep inside. And that's what gets to me. It's like i'm all gray inside to myself but i'm a rainbow of colors on the outside to someone else. And then it's like, do we even have the same pair of glasses on? are you living in the same world as me? ...what? But in the end we are two separate people coming together because we want to feel wanted and want to share ourselves and our life experiences. Really, that is what it comes down to. At the end of the day we are both human beings wanting, wishing, and feeling basically all of the same things. That is what makes things like this bearable and okay. Because we are only human.