what's cool though is being able to put myself outside of myself. i am able to almost take a mental picture of the person i am running away from. and in my head there's a kind of cookie cutter mold that i've created. that's all physical though, i suppose. but i guess once the right mindset takes hold the right physical features do too. well, hopefully. what really could happen is that i hopelessly end up searching for something that i've created in my own head but that doesn't really exist in real life.

why is it that i'm always having to tell everyone everything? not things about my life really, but things to tell or show them that i really am putting my all into this? is it because people don't show me that they outwardly get it or is just that i'm afraid they never will because i'll never believe or show it? i'm confused. i guess i just wish people would come hang around for awhile. it's always back to this same feeling. once i'm wrapped in the blanket of you, i want you. but once you're gone it's no longer there. i guess i'm just thirsty. why is it so easy to blind yourself? why is it that we are able to do things to ourselves consciously without ever wanting to? that's extremely counter-productive. wouldn't it be so much easier if we were never inclined to act on those thoughts? doesn't that slow the progression?

okayokayokayokayokayenough
platonic relationships only, please.

filtration

i need a job. badly

in some aspects i feel like i've turned around and started back at the beginning. still, everyone feels intangible. everybody is a little bit farther than my reach. solidification is so hard to achieve. maybe it's better that way though?

there is so much negativity around me. so many excuses being made. so many lives being shoved in every direction. i wish conscious decision making was something that you'd actually do.

i really don't feel smart or interesting or intriguing at all. i feel like i just know the motions. maybe not. i don't really try to be anything...i just am. "i think, therefore i am". yeah.

i need to do something. proove myself. fight my battles. how is it that before all i wanted was happiness but now that's not enough? the pallets keep expanding. the oceans get a little deeper, a little more blue.

there is so much more to this

everybody needs to just surrender themselves to the forces. everyone needs to just accept life for exactly what it is. every single little detail you can imagine. it is what it is. it's a situation in your life. and you look at it a certain way. that makes you who you are. it makes you, you.

everybody's changing. we're standing on the edge of a cliff. or maybe a border. we're about to step into the open. we are about to leave our first layer of skin in the box and take our first swim in the water. forever floating.

this is such a minisculr part of my life and part of my existance. but it feels, at times and in certain areas, almost like it's all that matters.

WEIGHT OF MY HEART, NOT THE SIZE.

i think i want to give birth in water. like a natural birth. i really think i should/will. i just like the idea so much better.

i need to buy new underwear. i'm becoming more comfortable with myself.

i can't let progression cloud my head. there is always somewhere else to go. always room to grow.

i don even know what to say. i know it'll come. if i steer it towards me enough it'll come and i will consume its energy.

i will consume YOUR energy.
-someday.

all i have to do is do what i want and realize that nothing bad will happen.

there is nothing bad that can ever happen. everything just is.

everything just exists purely for the sake that the matter is here for it to exist. even the invisible matter

i am purplepurplepurplepurple.

i am clouded today.

i don't know who i am supposed to trust. good judgment can lead you far but you can't control situations. i am in the center of some extreme situational irony right now.

i am an individual. i am not the same as you. i have different energy than you. different brain waves. different thought patterns. short term comfort is fucking useless. your name arouses none of my heart strings. maybe you were too easy for me. we always want what we can't have, right? maybe that's why i want you.

i don't want to want you.
but i do want to kiss you.

i'm gonna live i'm gonna live liive live
yeah, i'm gonna live cause i'm alive

i am becoming rejuvinated. my old self is being completely shed and my new skin is peaking through. i am filling in the lines now. i am setting goals for myself and realizing why these holes are still present. i am meeting new people and I am learning new things and talking to special people about special things that I hold inside. I am progressing. I am on a mission to be the best person I can possibly be. I am realizing my place.

there are only a few things that could make me happier than I am right now.

+
also, i want to buy bongos and learn how to dance.
a lot.


(i could be everything)

oh my god, i am loving this life.