when you were a young child, you were pure love. you were happy, alive and free. just look at little children. this love, freedom, and aliveness is the essence of who you are. this is your natural state. this is the way you started. unfortunately, you were born into a world that suppresses this state. instead of being born into a world that is loving and supportive, you were born into a world that is critical and harsh. sooner or later, you got hurt. you experienced invalidation, rejection, and painful losses of love. you experienced this hurt from your parents, your friends, and the world around you.
no circumstance has the power to cause an upset. circumstances can only reactivate suppressed hurt that is already there.
every one of us has a very specific hurt that runs our life. the avoidance of this hurt is what sabotages our lives. to be free inside and to be effective in life, you need to discover what your hurt is and be free of it. basically, the cause of your hurt is some issue you have with yourself. you bought the notion that in some specific way, you were not okay. fighting this notion is what creates your hurt. once you take away the fighting, the notion disappears and so does the hurt.
happiness can never come from anything outside of yourself. happiness can only come from within.
mastery of life begins when you discover the mechanisms that sabotage you. as you dismantle these mechanisms, you become able to experience life in a way that is supportive. you become free inside and able to live in the experience of love.
if you look, any area of your life that works great will be an area where you are full of acceptance and appreciation. to create the experience of love and to have life work for you instead of against you, you need to be accepting.
letting go is the inner action that releases fear and upset. you don't have to like your situation, just give it permission to be the way it is and the way it may become. let go of your demands and expectations for how you believe life should be and make peace with the way your life is. set yourself free inside. then take whatever action is necessary to handle your situation.
life is only threatening when you resist. the more you are able to let go and flow with life, the more life takes care of itself.
when you believe that part of who you are shouldn't be there, you set yourself up for some serious suffering. you put yourself under tremendous pressure to become a certain way, but no matter what you do, you can never get there. you can never get there because you are trying to get to doesn't exist. pay special attention to any aspect you deny having. you wouldn't need to deny an aspect unless you had an issue with it.
the aspects of yourself that you resist do not exist in the physical universe but they do exist in your universe. notice how real they are to you. notice that these aspects have never caused you any trouble. they are only thoughts. all the trouble has been caused by the things you've done to avoid feeling this way.
to set yourself free you need to face your hurt. this may be uncomfortable but this way be one of the most important things you can do in your entire life.
fears are very similar to upsets and aspects of yourself you resist. the main difference is that in fear, you are avoiding a future event. in an upset, you are avoiding a past or present event. both fear and upsets are created by avoiding the hurt of some issue.
the standards by which you judge will reveal your issues. any characteristic you can't stand in another person is an aspect of you that you are not at peace with. WE ARE ALL THE SAME.
by discovering what you are driven towards, you can discover what you are driven from. one way to do this is to discover what you need for your happiness.
seperate yourself from circumstances. notice that what's going on in your life is not the cause of what's going on inside of you.
go through life looking for aspects that you are not at peace with. then make peace with them. if you ever find an aspect, look for your fear. what do you fear will happen if you let in that you are that way? until you make peace with every aspect of you, you will never make peace with life. this is because life will forever reactivate the aspects of you that you are not at peace with.
another way we sabotage ourselves is through resentment. when you have a resentment, a major part of you closes down. you lose your aliveness and your peace of mind. you become bitter and less able to express your love. you also make your life more difficult.
allow yourself to be human. you are both good and bad, worthy and worthless, lovable and unlovable. you are every aspect that exists. you are also a precious human being. as you own both your negative and positive aspects you become very confident and at peace with yourself. you also become very human. as you own the aspects you've been resisting, beauty comes forth. you become humble. your ego disappears and your walls of protection come down. you flow with life and you create love everywhere you go.
life is so much easier when you know it's okay to be human.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
i'm so sick of myself. i'm sick of insecurities. i'm sick of my flaws. i'm sick of the way i go about things. i'm sick of my fears. i'm sick of feeling like i can't do anything right. i'm sick of second guesses. i'm tired of getting beaten down by life. i'm tired of getting beaten down by myself. why doesn't good consistency ever fucking stay around? why is everything so hard to achieve and why is retention so hard to keep? i need help. i need a way out. i need to get out of this place. i need escape. i desperately need escape. i feel like i'm all alone in this. i feel like i'm the only one that's lost and can't be found. i feel like i'll never fucking be found. the only person that can save you is yourself. but what if youdon't know how to do that? i'm so scared. i don't know what to do. asdhksh. nobody understands. everything comes sweeping back to me. the darkness always takes over everything. it's a fucking monster and i just want it to go away. i dont understand this
Friday, August 27, 2010
everything is coming to the surface.
it's refreshing and scary and different and rejuinating and eye opening and so many other things. i dont know what anythign means or what things will mean or what i mean or what to say or what to do or who i am or what i am or what i mean or what i will mean or where i fit or where i shoudl mold of it i should mold bahhbahbah
DEFINITIONS ARE COMING
it's refreshing and scary and different and rejuinating and eye opening and so many other things. i dont know what anythign means or what things will mean or what i mean or what to say or what to do or who i am or what i am or what i mean or what i will mean or where i fit or where i shoudl mold of it i should mold bahhbahbah
DEFINITIONS ARE COMING
everything feels so hallow.
people are leaving.
people left.
people are gone.
i really need guidance. i need second third fourth opinions. i need someone to fall back on. i wish you acted like you gave a shit. i wish you would just step outside of your life for a few minutes and realize how important mine is right now. i'm about to decide the rest of my life, in a sense. and i need you. but you don't want to be there. or, you do. but you show a shitty way of showing it. and i need help. i don't want to do this all by myself.
i feel alone now. everything is changing. everything is starting over. everything is hallow. nothing has ultimate meaning. nothing has shaped to fit the mold. nothing has fit the mold. this sounds like i'm complaining but i'm just stating facts. i have to start all over. i have to open my cage somehow and release myself. i have to believe in myself. put myself out there. show people myself.
do you want to know something funny?
do you?
well. what's funny is that me, and probably a lot of people in the world shield ourselves from others because we don't want to get hurt. but in the process of building the armor and always carrying the sword, we ultimately hurt ourselves more. protecting ourselves just makes us crumble in the end. i find that a bit funny.
i wonder if a time comes where everything just falls completely to the floor, and all skin is shed, and all other skin dissapears, and the things that are worrysome just fade into gray which fades into white and nothing will matter.
i think that's too much to ask.
i am so afraid for what is about to come it's unreal.
but i'm so excited and if i do what i know i have to do, i think i'll be okay.
fear is so hard to tackle though. meh.
people are leaving.
people left.
people are gone.
i really need guidance. i need second third fourth opinions. i need someone to fall back on. i wish you acted like you gave a shit. i wish you would just step outside of your life for a few minutes and realize how important mine is right now. i'm about to decide the rest of my life, in a sense. and i need you. but you don't want to be there. or, you do. but you show a shitty way of showing it. and i need help. i don't want to do this all by myself.
i feel alone now. everything is changing. everything is starting over. everything is hallow. nothing has ultimate meaning. nothing has shaped to fit the mold. nothing has fit the mold. this sounds like i'm complaining but i'm just stating facts. i have to start all over. i have to open my cage somehow and release myself. i have to believe in myself. put myself out there. show people myself.
do you want to know something funny?
do you?
well. what's funny is that me, and probably a lot of people in the world shield ourselves from others because we don't want to get hurt. but in the process of building the armor and always carrying the sword, we ultimately hurt ourselves more. protecting ourselves just makes us crumble in the end. i find that a bit funny.
i wonder if a time comes where everything just falls completely to the floor, and all skin is shed, and all other skin dissapears, and the things that are worrysome just fade into gray which fades into white and nothing will matter.
i think that's too much to ask.
i am so afraid for what is about to come it's unreal.
but i'm so excited and if i do what i know i have to do, i think i'll be okay.
fear is so hard to tackle though. meh.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
millons of popping bubbles.
tents boys boobs darkness light illumination fear school you love time people beauty night judgments myself others walls lines appreciation sadness happiness apprehension comfort
filtration.
doing more than surface diving, this time around.
fest. amazing, wonderful, powerful, magical time. i wish everyone in the world could experience what it's like. people are real there. in their true, natural form. we get our feet dirty. and the best part is that we do it together. doesn't matter what your hair looks like, how fucked your eyes are, you are making awesome friends. meeting new people. so much love. so much fucking comfort. it's so hard to explain in words, but i miss it already. instant happiness. i could kiss the grass i love it so much.
being single is weird. but i love it. the concept of being alone is equivalent to ultimate freedom. no rules. no judgments. no age limits. there's a whole world for me to experience. i've finally realized there is no point in getting down over something i can't control. i'd hate to say it, but it's not worth my time anyways.
darkness is a weird place to be. i'm in between night and day, as i like to say. but no matter what i think the darkness always stays. like addiction, sort of. or love, if you will it. i feel like it's so easy to fall backwards into it again. it's so easy to say goodbye to the world you try so hard to feel and just feel yourself kind of floating, with one food off the ground. it's a scary place. it's scary because you feel lost in it. i don't know. (when i say you i mean me, i suppose. but you makes it easier to talk about it because i'm overly modest). but yeah. yeah. it's scary because you want to escape and you want to move so far far away from it but for some reason, at certain points and in certain areas, it always ALWAYS creeps back in. and after awhile, it's a good thing. but after an even bigger while, you're just fucking sick of it because there's another side to it. totally. i guess you just gotta take it step by step until you're feet are glued, instead of planted. if they ever get to that point.
it's kind of sad the way things have gone down. i know you don't appreciate me the way that i appreciate you. and at first it made me sad and angry. well, it still kind of makes me angry. but i am just starting to kind of feel bad for you. people are so easily consumed. but the people who are worthy of your love (and not even deep love, just friendly love) are the people that don't know wtf theyd do without you. like, truly. i don't think you realize how much i need you. and if you don't realize it, i'm not sure i want to keep myself here. there's no point in sticking around a place that doesn't make you feel as wanted as you want to feel. things just turn stale and that's where the gnats come on. and i've been there before, it's totally not a fun place. please wake up. we need each other and if you fail to recognize it, you're going to be missing a whole hell of a lot.
you. the other you. you're the floor leader. you opened the door to this place and you didn't even realize you did it. you opened my eyes to a huge dark hole and for quite awhile you closed my eyes to everything else. i fell for it. i fell for it big time. but i've been making my way out of here. slowly, but that's how it's supposed to be done. totally. it's absolutely, 100% time to leave this place.
essential growth periods.
acceptance is the only way to get by. anything that is troublesome can just fall away once you accept that it's there. and that it is what it is. because no matter what, it's still going to be what it is whether you want it to be or not.
everybody loves me. everybody wants to date me. everybody wants to kiss me. i don't know why. and i'm not cocky. but it is so fucking true. the world is a wonder.
it's funny what a little burning of paper walls can do for ya.
but next, i need a hammer.
filtration.
doing more than surface diving, this time around.
fest. amazing, wonderful, powerful, magical time. i wish everyone in the world could experience what it's like. people are real there. in their true, natural form. we get our feet dirty. and the best part is that we do it together. doesn't matter what your hair looks like, how fucked your eyes are, you are making awesome friends. meeting new people. so much love. so much fucking comfort. it's so hard to explain in words, but i miss it already. instant happiness. i could kiss the grass i love it so much.
being single is weird. but i love it. the concept of being alone is equivalent to ultimate freedom. no rules. no judgments. no age limits. there's a whole world for me to experience. i've finally realized there is no point in getting down over something i can't control. i'd hate to say it, but it's not worth my time anyways.
darkness is a weird place to be. i'm in between night and day, as i like to say. but no matter what i think the darkness always stays. like addiction, sort of. or love, if you will it. i feel like it's so easy to fall backwards into it again. it's so easy to say goodbye to the world you try so hard to feel and just feel yourself kind of floating, with one food off the ground. it's a scary place. it's scary because you feel lost in it. i don't know. (when i say you i mean me, i suppose. but you makes it easier to talk about it because i'm overly modest). but yeah. yeah. it's scary because you want to escape and you want to move so far far away from it but for some reason, at certain points and in certain areas, it always ALWAYS creeps back in. and after awhile, it's a good thing. but after an even bigger while, you're just fucking sick of it because there's another side to it. totally. i guess you just gotta take it step by step until you're feet are glued, instead of planted. if they ever get to that point.
it's kind of sad the way things have gone down. i know you don't appreciate me the way that i appreciate you. and at first it made me sad and angry. well, it still kind of makes me angry. but i am just starting to kind of feel bad for you. people are so easily consumed. but the people who are worthy of your love (and not even deep love, just friendly love) are the people that don't know wtf theyd do without you. like, truly. i don't think you realize how much i need you. and if you don't realize it, i'm not sure i want to keep myself here. there's no point in sticking around a place that doesn't make you feel as wanted as you want to feel. things just turn stale and that's where the gnats come on. and i've been there before, it's totally not a fun place. please wake up. we need each other and if you fail to recognize it, you're going to be missing a whole hell of a lot.
you. the other you. you're the floor leader. you opened the door to this place and you didn't even realize you did it. you opened my eyes to a huge dark hole and for quite awhile you closed my eyes to everything else. i fell for it. i fell for it big time. but i've been making my way out of here. slowly, but that's how it's supposed to be done. totally. it's absolutely, 100% time to leave this place.
essential growth periods.
acceptance is the only way to get by. anything that is troublesome can just fall away once you accept that it's there. and that it is what it is. because no matter what, it's still going to be what it is whether you want it to be or not.
everybody loves me. everybody wants to date me. everybody wants to kiss me. i don't know why. and i'm not cocky. but it is so fucking true. the world is a wonder.
it's funny what a little burning of paper walls can do for ya.
but next, i need a hammer.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
at the bottom of everything
so many emotions.
everybody is leaving me. all the people i love and care for. all the people i have grown to trust and grown comfortable bonds with. they are all leaving. my world will be stripped bare. in a way, this is going to be great for me. but only if i treat it how i should; by pushing. but i don't know if i have the energy. it's so hard to walk right into something. i let fear run my life so much and it's so hard to sucomb to it.
the only way to get over the things that trouble and upset you, are to accept that that is the way things are. you can't make it go away because even if it goes away, it was once still there. all you can do is accept what it is and realize that even though it's there, you will be okay. and once you realize you'll be okay, all that upset is gone. step number one.
it's like no matter what i do, it always creeps back inside of me. it's like it knows when to swallow all of the gold spots and hide away in the depths. i hate it. what does this mean? i don't understand the cycle. i don't know if i ever will understand the cycle.
you and i. that shouldn't even be allowed. i don't know. the truth of the matter is that i have no idea what the fuck i think. i've never been this lopsided before. i've never felt this way. i don't like it. i hate it. i hate it. i need to start eating off of new plates. i guess we'll see what happens.
everything always goes back to you. you're the reason i am this way. you're the one who contaminated my mind. you're the one who took my young, sponge-like of a brain, and drenched it in all of your dirty negative water. you are the reason that i can't escape. because i've lived my whole life watching you wallow in it. i wish you knew how to get up and get going. i wish i hadn't been such a sponge. i wish i knew better as a little kid. i wish i knew how to get rid of the notion that makes me feel like i'm the same way. i wish i didn't feel like i was turning into you.
i want to write a poem titled The Darkness.
^acceptance, in small ways.
folk fest this weekend. time to dive hands first into something. independence needs to come full fledged. i need to get up and get going.
i also need to open myself. i am the way i am (as in, letting everything seep back inside of me) because i don't know how to show myself to people. i'm never fake but nobody knows who i am. except for one person who i fear i will lose. i don't know what to do. i put myself in these dumb situations and i feel like i can't control them. i don't feel like i have full control over myself. but i'm not sure who else i feel has the control. i just feel out of control. i need to completely free my mind.
i almost got there.
for a week or so i felt pretty good. things are simple when you look at life a certain way. but for some reason, colors never stay. colors never stick for long periods of time. i don't get it. help me.
and. it seems like everybody is finding their best friend(s). it seems like everybody has that one person they always hangout with. party with. and i'm nto saying i don't have people like that. but i don't know how to get to that point anymore. i don't know how to make a best friend. i wish one day i would wake up and have my whole head figured out. but i guess that defeats the purpose of life. i wish i didn't constantly feel so clouded. and when i don't feel clouded, i feel like i'm just cheating myself out of it by being weak.
how did i end up this way?
there is nobody in the world like me.
i don't know. like i said, everythingisahugedustballblowinginthewind.
everybody is leaving me. all the people i love and care for. all the people i have grown to trust and grown comfortable bonds with. they are all leaving. my world will be stripped bare. in a way, this is going to be great for me. but only if i treat it how i should; by pushing. but i don't know if i have the energy. it's so hard to walk right into something. i let fear run my life so much and it's so hard to sucomb to it.
the only way to get over the things that trouble and upset you, are to accept that that is the way things are. you can't make it go away because even if it goes away, it was once still there. all you can do is accept what it is and realize that even though it's there, you will be okay. and once you realize you'll be okay, all that upset is gone. step number one.
it's like no matter what i do, it always creeps back inside of me. it's like it knows when to swallow all of the gold spots and hide away in the depths. i hate it. what does this mean? i don't understand the cycle. i don't know if i ever will understand the cycle.
you and i. that shouldn't even be allowed. i don't know. the truth of the matter is that i have no idea what the fuck i think. i've never been this lopsided before. i've never felt this way. i don't like it. i hate it. i hate it. i need to start eating off of new plates. i guess we'll see what happens.
everything always goes back to you. you're the reason i am this way. you're the one who contaminated my mind. you're the one who took my young, sponge-like of a brain, and drenched it in all of your dirty negative water. you are the reason that i can't escape. because i've lived my whole life watching you wallow in it. i wish you knew how to get up and get going. i wish i hadn't been such a sponge. i wish i knew better as a little kid. i wish i knew how to get rid of the notion that makes me feel like i'm the same way. i wish i didn't feel like i was turning into you.
i want to write a poem titled The Darkness.
^acceptance, in small ways.
folk fest this weekend. time to dive hands first into something. independence needs to come full fledged. i need to get up and get going.
i also need to open myself. i am the way i am (as in, letting everything seep back inside of me) because i don't know how to show myself to people. i'm never fake but nobody knows who i am. except for one person who i fear i will lose. i don't know what to do. i put myself in these dumb situations and i feel like i can't control them. i don't feel like i have full control over myself. but i'm not sure who else i feel has the control. i just feel out of control. i need to completely free my mind.
i almost got there.
for a week or so i felt pretty good. things are simple when you look at life a certain way. but for some reason, colors never stay. colors never stick for long periods of time. i don't get it. help me.
and. it seems like everybody is finding their best friend(s). it seems like everybody has that one person they always hangout with. party with. and i'm nto saying i don't have people like that. but i don't know how to get to that point anymore. i don't know how to make a best friend. i wish one day i would wake up and have my whole head figured out. but i guess that defeats the purpose of life. i wish i didn't constantly feel so clouded. and when i don't feel clouded, i feel like i'm just cheating myself out of it by being weak.
how did i end up this way?
there is nobody in the world like me.
i don't know. like i said, everythingisahugedustballblowinginthewind.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
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