if you wake up each day and tell yourself you're beautiful, and that today will be a good day, your chances of being happy increase drastically. i've been feeling so light, it's nice.
don't need anyone but myself and some friends to make me happy.
job job job $$$
summer timeee
open space
summer classes
concerts
graduation
sweet 16
life ceremonies/spring convention
shrooms
so many chances
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
laughl laughing i'm silently laughing. laughing in my head, laughing through a text, laughing in your face. always trust your instincts. trust your guts. trust what you think you know but don't want to admit. if you feel something you feel it for a reason. trust your gut. trust it. please trust it.
chances. one, two, no more than two chances. decisions are made. always being swept aside for someone better. someone else. someone who makes them feel more whole. my heart it breaks it rips a little at a time. self worth seems diminished in small aspects. i don't want to feel it i don't want to think it but it does, it does.
somebody wake me. if i look for it it won't come. now it won't come. i should have listened. you are nothing but a joke. a joke of a boy but even more so a joke of a man. you're nothing close to a man. ive never seen anyone with such insincerity before. i didn't know people actually did that. didn't realize i was so far off from the tracks you were on. but it's okay, it's for the better. i'm laugh laughing silently aloud with friends laughing.
have fun, you little boy. have fun with her and whatever sick twisted future you wish to indulge yourself in. i want no part of it. i want white cotton sheets and thin air and real, true, genuine smiles. i want what you will never give me so goodbye goodbye see ya later goodbye
chances. one, two, no more than two chances. decisions are made. always being swept aside for someone better. someone else. someone who makes them feel more whole. my heart it breaks it rips a little at a time. self worth seems diminished in small aspects. i don't want to feel it i don't want to think it but it does, it does.
somebody wake me. if i look for it it won't come. now it won't come. i should have listened. you are nothing but a joke. a joke of a boy but even more so a joke of a man. you're nothing close to a man. ive never seen anyone with such insincerity before. i didn't know people actually did that. didn't realize i was so far off from the tracks you were on. but it's okay, it's for the better. i'm laugh laughing silently aloud with friends laughing.
have fun, you little boy. have fun with her and whatever sick twisted future you wish to indulge yourself in. i want no part of it. i want white cotton sheets and thin air and real, true, genuine smiles. i want what you will never give me so goodbye goodbye see ya later goodbye
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
still becoming emotionally embedded. still vulnerable even when i consciously try to become otherwise. it's a useless feat, really. not really in a bad way, though. i like the idea. i like the concept. i like the thought. i like the company
but i'm not sure, not sure.
sometimes i feel stale. i sit and wait. sit and wait for answers that don't come. s sit and wait for answers that don't even have questions to begin with. answers that might not get me anywhere. sit and wait until i realize it's useless to sit. and it's useless to be waiting, when i could be doing creating making feeling thinking. somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. i get up and walk. the ground is tough beneath my feet. almost like trying to run in the hot sand on a florida beach. somewhere probably where you've planted a seed of your memory tree. on occasions the answers feel as if they are in arms reach. the world is lifted and the air is thin.
i remember when the air was thin and the air was blue. there are only a few moments in my life where i've felt that way. once it happens with a person, you know. you know.
so is it the potential that keeps me around? is it the longing? i don't need it; i know that. because you need yourself before you need anything else. again, waiting for something that might not even exist. wanting to reach a heightened state of being that I might never, ever, ever step forward to. i stand back. take a breath. two, three. my eyes are open. I'm not sure, not sure.
what do i long for? the memorization of a silhouette. the thin air. the reciprocated stare that holds my gaze. but not just that- it needs to hold truth. (close attention to detail. extreme close attention to detail. maybe too much.) a hug from behind. the breaking of walls. complete, utter, lack of walls. well, maybe plus 1. but definitely minus about 4. 1 wall is always good i think. i think.
this is confusing me. it could be different with everything. everyone. i could be expecting something in someone that doesn't exist in the form I know it to be, but exists in other forms I might be subconsciously blinding myself to. well. maybe i don't give myself enough credit. I know what i feel, i feel what i know. (right?)
love is comfort. i don't want to fight that notion. i believe that and i should believe that and i want to believe that. love is comfort. that isn't the extent of it, but it's the base of it. comfort and trust. love is comfort and trust. they are related, intertwined, connected at their roots. love is the ability to melt. it is the ability to freeze after you melt and before you melt and even while you melt. and love is the ability to crack. the container breaks, the liquids spill. love is unity. mutual accordance. accordance within division, though. or, independence i guess. individuality.
-idontreallyknowwhati'mtalkingaboutijustliketothinkido-
he just wanted to touch her. he wanted nothing more than to touch her. the sun was bright, it was a wednesday. the way it reflected off of her natural looking skin was remarkable. she's beautiful, he thought. she's so beautiful. i just want to touch her. he wants to sink. sink in the cotton with her, within her, on her, in her. he wants to trace her beauty marks and memorize her curves in the darkness. he takes her shopping. his heart it breaks. he can't give her what she needs what he knows she deserves. she's so beautiful he loves her. shes so beautiful he just wants to touch her. he wants to show her he loves her. god she's wonderful. he loves the dimples in her cheeks when she smiles. but he likes how the left dimple is much bigger and more noticeable than the right. he likes her eyes. theyre gentle and sincere, he feels whole when he stares in them. he see's himself in her. he likes the beauty mark on her neck and the one on her arm too and the one right on her side. he follows them. down her smooth skin. he loves her more than he knows how to love. she's quiet but knows when to show herself; especially with him. when he catches her at the right time sometimes she's in the mood for a pillow fight. he knows it's childish but he likes to see her smile anything to see her smile. at night they lie in bed with the tv on. the curtains allow a small amount of light to shine through. the perfect amount. the air is light, the colors blend. he touches her she touches him they embrace entwine combine show their love. he loves her he wants to hold her forever he wants to tell her everything he feels for her but doesn't know how. words can't say it actions don't close nothing does it justice he hopes she understands. anything to see her smile. god she's so beautiful, so beautiful. he loves her.
but i'm not sure, not sure.
sometimes i feel stale. i sit and wait. sit and wait for answers that don't come. s sit and wait for answers that don't even have questions to begin with. answers that might not get me anywhere. sit and wait until i realize it's useless to sit. and it's useless to be waiting, when i could be doing creating making feeling thinking. somewhere, anywhere, everywhere. i get up and walk. the ground is tough beneath my feet. almost like trying to run in the hot sand on a florida beach. somewhere probably where you've planted a seed of your memory tree. on occasions the answers feel as if they are in arms reach. the world is lifted and the air is thin.
i remember when the air was thin and the air was blue. there are only a few moments in my life where i've felt that way. once it happens with a person, you know. you know.
so is it the potential that keeps me around? is it the longing? i don't need it; i know that. because you need yourself before you need anything else. again, waiting for something that might not even exist. wanting to reach a heightened state of being that I might never, ever, ever step forward to. i stand back. take a breath. two, three. my eyes are open. I'm not sure, not sure.
what do i long for? the memorization of a silhouette. the thin air. the reciprocated stare that holds my gaze. but not just that- it needs to hold truth. (close attention to detail. extreme close attention to detail. maybe too much.) a hug from behind. the breaking of walls. complete, utter, lack of walls. well, maybe plus 1. but definitely minus about 4. 1 wall is always good i think. i think.
this is confusing me. it could be different with everything. everyone. i could be expecting something in someone that doesn't exist in the form I know it to be, but exists in other forms I might be subconsciously blinding myself to. well. maybe i don't give myself enough credit. I know what i feel, i feel what i know. (right?)
love is comfort. i don't want to fight that notion. i believe that and i should believe that and i want to believe that. love is comfort. that isn't the extent of it, but it's the base of it. comfort and trust. love is comfort and trust. they are related, intertwined, connected at their roots. love is the ability to melt. it is the ability to freeze after you melt and before you melt and even while you melt. and love is the ability to crack. the container breaks, the liquids spill. love is unity. mutual accordance. accordance within division, though. or, independence i guess. individuality.
-idontreallyknowwhati'mtalkingaboutijustliketothinkido-
he just wanted to touch her. he wanted nothing more than to touch her. the sun was bright, it was a wednesday. the way it reflected off of her natural looking skin was remarkable. she's beautiful, he thought. she's so beautiful. i just want to touch her. he wants to sink. sink in the cotton with her, within her, on her, in her. he wants to trace her beauty marks and memorize her curves in the darkness. he takes her shopping. his heart it breaks. he can't give her what she needs what he knows she deserves. she's so beautiful he loves her. shes so beautiful he just wants to touch her. he wants to show her he loves her. god she's wonderful. he loves the dimples in her cheeks when she smiles. but he likes how the left dimple is much bigger and more noticeable than the right. he likes her eyes. theyre gentle and sincere, he feels whole when he stares in them. he see's himself in her. he likes the beauty mark on her neck and the one on her arm too and the one right on her side. he follows them. down her smooth skin. he loves her more than he knows how to love. she's quiet but knows when to show herself; especially with him. when he catches her at the right time sometimes she's in the mood for a pillow fight. he knows it's childish but he likes to see her smile anything to see her smile. at night they lie in bed with the tv on. the curtains allow a small amount of light to shine through. the perfect amount. the air is light, the colors blend. he touches her she touches him they embrace entwine combine show their love. he loves her he wants to hold her forever he wants to tell her everything he feels for her but doesn't know how. words can't say it actions don't close nothing does it justice he hopes she understands. anything to see her smile. god she's so beautiful, so beautiful. he loves her.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
what am I learning?:
weed is good in moderation. too much weed clouds my head. not enough weed makes me crave waves. a perfect balance sends me into comfortable submersion while still being able to stand on the floor boards of reality.
personal motivation is one of the most important things. i mean, without it how would you get anywhere?
smile.I really don't do that enough and there's really no reason for it. smiling makes everything brighter.
focus on something other than yourself and your problems. putting energy into an external environment can reap higher rewards than one may think.
new music = new feelings = new mindsets = new experiences = higher feelings of fufillment from life.
you can give yourself everything you want. just because you want the comfort doesn't mean you have to stay. just because you want someone to wrap arms with doesn't mean you need to settle. if you want to feel whole, that doesn't mean you need to rely on somebody else to give it to you. in fact, you should NEVER rely on someone for that because nobody is going to be able to truly make you whole except for yourself. and you shouldn't except real, genuine, and true accordance until you accomplish that within yourself.
technology is just a shield, a destroyer, a pair of glasses one can't see out of. online interactions mean nothing. facebook chatting everyday for 3 years only creates minimal footing.
you need to give a little (or a lot) to get a little (or a lot). if you exert little to no amounts of energy you can't really expect to receive energy in return to absorb. it's the same way with a relationship/friendship. if you don't open up to other person, why should/would they do the same to you?
i should probably start taking more initiative in my life. i'm kind of just letting it pass without really, fully, adequately trying to change it.
one of the best ways to grow is to put yourself outside of your comfort zone as much as possible. when you're afraid or uncomfortable it's because you most likely feel vulnerable. being vulnerable might not be the best feeling in the world, but when you conquer that vulnerability and get to a position of comfort, you'll find that you've benefited so much more than you would have if you never pushed yourself there in the first place.
if you don't like something, change it. (nothing is permament) you have the complete and total power to change your mindset, feelings, clothes, friends, decisions, actions. you have the power to change your reality if you don't like it.
always face your demons. never run and hide. seclusion will give you no progression. resist the want to fade away and, in turn, head towards the sunlight.
trust yourself/your instincts. if you feel something strongly, there is always a good reason for it. do not try to bypass this feeling or deem is as wrong. trust this feeling. it will benefit you in the end.
love yourself. you are unique, special, and one of a kind. you are your own person. there is nobody else in the entire world, nor will there ever be, another you. embrace this person. feed this person good thoughts, healthy food, meaningful experiences, and loyal people. you only have one chance.
take initiative. be motivated. don't just sit there and watch your life pass you by. do not just sit there and smoke blunt after blunt, cigarette after cigarette while others create something of their life. join clubs. make new friends. try a sport. pay attention in school. take the SATs. aim for something higher than community college and a minimum wage job until you're 25. if you have infinite possibilities, why not try to be the best you can be?
be at ease with the way things are. nothing is ever as bad as it seems. everything is double sided. look to the positivity.
take a deep breathe. there is no reason to stress. nobody is rushing you. take your time. it's okay now, will be okay later, and was always okay in the past. you've got this.
weed is good in moderation. too much weed clouds my head. not enough weed makes me crave waves. a perfect balance sends me into comfortable submersion while still being able to stand on the floor boards of reality.
personal motivation is one of the most important things. i mean, without it how would you get anywhere?
smile.I really don't do that enough and there's really no reason for it. smiling makes everything brighter.
focus on something other than yourself and your problems. putting energy into an external environment can reap higher rewards than one may think.
new music = new feelings = new mindsets = new experiences = higher feelings of fufillment from life.
you can give yourself everything you want. just because you want the comfort doesn't mean you have to stay. just because you want someone to wrap arms with doesn't mean you need to settle. if you want to feel whole, that doesn't mean you need to rely on somebody else to give it to you. in fact, you should NEVER rely on someone for that because nobody is going to be able to truly make you whole except for yourself. and you shouldn't except real, genuine, and true accordance until you accomplish that within yourself.
technology is just a shield, a destroyer, a pair of glasses one can't see out of. online interactions mean nothing. facebook chatting everyday for 3 years only creates minimal footing.
you need to give a little (or a lot) to get a little (or a lot). if you exert little to no amounts of energy you can't really expect to receive energy in return to absorb. it's the same way with a relationship/friendship. if you don't open up to other person, why should/would they do the same to you?
i should probably start taking more initiative in my life. i'm kind of just letting it pass without really, fully, adequately trying to change it.
one of the best ways to grow is to put yourself outside of your comfort zone as much as possible. when you're afraid or uncomfortable it's because you most likely feel vulnerable. being vulnerable might not be the best feeling in the world, but when you conquer that vulnerability and get to a position of comfort, you'll find that you've benefited so much more than you would have if you never pushed yourself there in the first place.
if you don't like something, change it. (nothing is permament) you have the complete and total power to change your mindset, feelings, clothes, friends, decisions, actions. you have the power to change your reality if you don't like it.
always face your demons. never run and hide. seclusion will give you no progression. resist the want to fade away and, in turn, head towards the sunlight.
trust yourself/your instincts. if you feel something strongly, there is always a good reason for it. do not try to bypass this feeling or deem is as wrong. trust this feeling. it will benefit you in the end.
love yourself. you are unique, special, and one of a kind. you are your own person. there is nobody else in the entire world, nor will there ever be, another you. embrace this person. feed this person good thoughts, healthy food, meaningful experiences, and loyal people. you only have one chance.
take initiative. be motivated. don't just sit there and watch your life pass you by. do not just sit there and smoke blunt after blunt, cigarette after cigarette while others create something of their life. join clubs. make new friends. try a sport. pay attention in school. take the SATs. aim for something higher than community college and a minimum wage job until you're 25. if you have infinite possibilities, why not try to be the best you can be?
be at ease with the way things are. nothing is ever as bad as it seems. everything is double sided. look to the positivity.
take a deep breathe. there is no reason to stress. nobody is rushing you. take your time. it's okay now, will be okay later, and was always okay in the past. you've got this.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
if i'm the person standing on top of the floor boards, and you're the one still making their way up the stair case, i most likely will stop wanting you. but when it's the other way around it's always opposite. we always want the people who don't want us. and we always don't want the people that do.
i think i've given lopsided a new meaning for myself.
there's a lot i need to accept about my reality.
there's a lot i need to solidifiy and figure out.
what's frustrating is that i know my base pretty well, and i think i give/gave others the benefit of the doubt with how well they knew theirs, too. but i'm realizing that most people aren't really that in touch with themselves and it's hard for me to understand that because i've never been that way. when it comes to people there are only a couple things i don't understand about them. this is one of them. sort of. hmm.
not sure what i want or what i feel or what to do. not sure what will benefit me the most either. it's hard to see the future and since i don't know what i want....ah this is a cycle.
cycle cycle cycle repeat repeat
take it away away from here here
fade the colors blur the lines
close your eyes
and cut your blinds
fall off the earth
forget the sound
find a way
to somehow be round
turn the stones
on the bed of rocks
be careful where you sleep
this is a far warning, my friends
some day soon you might feel the bends.
meh off center off axis need to find my markings
footings colors sounds love SOMETHING
somebody trick me.
for once. please.
i'm tired of the same responses and stale faces
Saturday, April 2, 2011
Friday, April 1, 2011
why do i keep thinking about this? it's not something that runs overly deep but it's something i guess i wanted more than i had realized. i'm not exactly sure how to feel. it did not seem very hard to just close the door, maybe i didn't give enough of a reason to stay. meh. why should it even matter? i'm just bored and dwelling. bored and grounded. bored and lonely. bored and bored and bored and sad. what about happiness? when will that come? will it come when i make it come? will it come with sunshine? a change of scenery that is rooted in a time that i will have to wait a long time for? is happiness false? are there some people who are never meant to be happy, in some sick sort or twisted way, to perhaps balance life? am i the equilibrium? does any of this even matter? does trying to uncover the ways of happiness and the keys to its doors even get me anymore? agh. i'm cooped up in this room. i have many books, a comfortable bed, a television, and a computer. i'm unmotivated but wanting. i want want want but need to do do do in order to get it. my mom won't even let me go down the fucking street to a girls house. i could walk there and there's nothing i can say to her. i make myself angry because it's my fault. and now i'm just repeating the same words over and over. i want to change things but how am i supposed to change things if i can't get the opportunities to actually do so because i'm not allowed out? catch my drift, here? it could be worse but i don't care, i feel shitty. i guess i'm not missing out on much though. i wouldn't be going to temple tonight anyways because, well, what good is it to me anymore? there are only a certain amount of people you can kiss within one enclosed area before you get a reputation and i think my time there is done. once my thirst goes away for the things i've punctured (or that have punctured me) only about a couple millimeters deep, i won't care anymore. and my friends are just drinking in some girls basement and probably hooking up and dancing. i mean, that's definitely fun, but it's nothing substantial. something i probably shouldn't be doing anyways i guess. jserve is sunday and i'm very nervous for it. i hope everything goes well but i'm not sure that it will. somuchselfdoubt. i guess it'll be fine though, ive felt this way before. sometimes i really suck at independence though. other people tell me that i don't give myself enough credit but they don't have any idea what theyre talking about. i need to get outtttt of here, god damnit. but now i'm just going to be stuck even longer. i keep running the same cycle in the back of my head and i need to stop but it's really how i feel. sometimes i can't just turn the other side over and act like it's okay. but i swear i felt okay yesterday. do you see the instability here? it's not something i feel i can control. being up only comes once in awhile. what does that even mean, then, though? i confuse myself. i want to cuddle with someone. maybe the problem is all of these I's. I I I I II I. what if i used we? or us? or them? or you? would it make me feel better to focus on other things? of course. do i focuse too much of my time on myself? maybe. but how else am i supposed to get there, huh? how else am i supposed to find balance within myself? why is life so complicated and why are there so many questions? maybe i need to write down the answers first to the questions i haven't even formulated. UGH. i need to finish my jserve project, term paper, caps paper, english presentation proposal. i have a lot of time to do so but i don't feel like it. i am lazy. this sucks. i guess it's better this way though. i can sit in my room and think about my actions and get shit done because nobody is on facebook because everyone is out and nobody is texting me because theyre drunk and don't want to hear my bullshit. i guess it's only a matter of weeks, though. eventually it should be okay.
eventually everything turns, right? if you sit on the side of a high way for too long eventually someone is going to stop and make sure you're alright, aren't they? all of those hundreds of cars...somebody has to do it. something would have to happen to change the situation.
or, i hope so, atleast.
eventually everything turns, right? if you sit on the side of a high way for too long eventually someone is going to stop and make sure you're alright, aren't they? all of those hundreds of cars...somebody has to do it. something would have to happen to change the situation.
or, i hope so, atleast.
i need friends who like to party that are clean and have money and enjoy food and occasional blunts/bowls and are well rounded, smart, and HONEST and level headed and CLEAN CLEAN CLEAN. oh did i say clean?
i'm hating everyoneeee lately.
everyone is so blinded, i feel. i don't really get it. not saying i'm not among the blind but it's like...wake up, please? i'd like to see you atleast try a little bit fucking harder.
i'm hating everyoneeee lately.
everyone is so blinded, i feel. i don't really get it. not saying i'm not among the blind but it's like...wake up, please? i'd like to see you atleast try a little bit fucking harder.
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