i hate my brain.
i was in such a good mood all day.
then i come home and start over thinking everything.
and now i can't stop.
i feel like i'm just wrong about everything.
i feel like i miss everything and it's so unintentional.
the good things people do i am not invited to.
the times i could be making friends at school i am working instead.
all of the memories people make i am not there for.
people don't call me. don't think about me.
i hope i don't regret this.
well. i'd only regret it if i allow myself to regret it.
but. i'm really afraid this is going to affect my friendships.
i really want to make friendships.
i don't know. i'm scared. i'm really really scared.
and i dont know how some people see me as outgoing but it's not true.
i am scared i am doing this all wrong. i want to esscape from my shell.
why does this always have to happen?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
it's funny that once i changed the colors it seems unfitting and uncomfortable. right now they should be reversed. this place isn't white. no no no.
i feel so many emotions and i haven't gotten anything out on paper, or put anything into words, or stared at the blank page for a very, very long time. i'm still not sure if it's better to think or not to think. if you don't acknowledge the problem does it get better or worse? if you're constantly trying to change a problem does thinking about it often get you closer or farther? if you don't recognize the problem or even admit to yourself there is one...isn't there no problem at all?
i'm feeling terrible. horrible. low low low. once something goes wrong, everything goes wrong. immediately i think of the secret. once you think one negative thoughts, once you let the thoughts seep into other aspects, it takes over everything. what i don't understand is how i do things so unconciously. do other people always do things so carefully and with such intrinsic speculation? i don't think so. why is it always me, then, that seems like the idiot here? is there some sort of disconnect? i don't know.
when you walk into a room to automatically look for the best looking person? (opposite sex)
when you see that person do you assess what theyd be like, even though you don't know them what so ever, as a significant other?
do you then look for someone of the same sex you feel you could relate to most?
how are you supposed to do that when you don't know a thing about these people? not even their name.
it's hard for me to concentrate in class because i think about all the other people in the class.
it's as if they are watching me. but not really in a bad way. i wonder if the guy sitting 3 rows across and 2 seats down from me has seen my shirt, or my necklace, and what he thinks about me.
funny, isn't it? guy. never girl. that really says something i think. or maybe it's the lack of experience.
do you just go up to someone and introduce yourself?
once you say your name what are you then supposed to talk about?
the problem with me is that i lack inner confidence, inner trust, and inner security which is then externally translated into quietness, walls, and sometimes abrupt anger. but the reason i lack all of these things is because i do not have the correct external environment i long for. (i cant even believe i am saying this. i'm pathetic, really. it's been years and contentment only lasts for a short while). again, though, the reason i lack my external environment is because i lack my internal environment. overall it's really as if i lack everything apparently. i don't care if this self-loathing, depressing, sad, etc. it is what it is. i feel how i feel.
i feel bad that i have been talking about change for so long, change slightly, but never completely, and then complain. perhaps i don't want to change enough. maybe i haven't really ever dabbled with the thought of complete and total change. maybe i don't know what it takes to do that. as sad as it is, i haven't really seen any of the people around me change to the ways they want to change to either. it's like everybody talks but nothing walks. don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk. and the thing is i'm the prime exampple. i stopped having judgments towards everyone. (well, minus a rare few). if there's anyone that should be judged it's me. and if theres anyone that doesn't deserve to judge others, it's me. who am i to say anything? i am full of mistakes, guilt, and anger. i have not (and never) accomplished anything i have told myself i would.
what kind of life is that?
why, though, is it so easy to just fade away and not pay attention and just become invisible?
i really hate that it takes so much effort to become the opposite.
waking up to the reality of the world is extremely shell shocking. i am a turtle who wants to hide and run slowly, but i can't do that because everybody else is a lion.
life just seems too difficult. the ideas in my head aren't original. i don't know anything about anything. if i talk and make it seem like i know something, i don't. i don't know anything. i don't even know about myself, the one thing i have focused my attention towards constantly for years.
i feel like i have completely failed.
there's too much going on. i don't like living in 2011. everything is already accomplished. i feel as if i was born undearneath the weight of the world and i will never be able to come out. i don't feel like i'm destined to become sometihng great. i don't feel like i will have some great invention or some great idea or some great knowledge. is that wrong? if i have this mindset will it be the cause of just that-failure? if i thought otherwise would my life and future turn out differently?
the real question is this; is pessimism a temperment or is it a malleable mindset? and if it's the latter, would you please advise me (IN GREAT DETAIL) on how to PERMANENTLY become the opposite?
i feel so many emotions and i haven't gotten anything out on paper, or put anything into words, or stared at the blank page for a very, very long time. i'm still not sure if it's better to think or not to think. if you don't acknowledge the problem does it get better or worse? if you're constantly trying to change a problem does thinking about it often get you closer or farther? if you don't recognize the problem or even admit to yourself there is one...isn't there no problem at all?
i'm feeling terrible. horrible. low low low. once something goes wrong, everything goes wrong. immediately i think of the secret. once you think one negative thoughts, once you let the thoughts seep into other aspects, it takes over everything. what i don't understand is how i do things so unconciously. do other people always do things so carefully and with such intrinsic speculation? i don't think so. why is it always me, then, that seems like the idiot here? is there some sort of disconnect? i don't know.
when you walk into a room to automatically look for the best looking person? (opposite sex)
when you see that person do you assess what theyd be like, even though you don't know them what so ever, as a significant other?
do you then look for someone of the same sex you feel you could relate to most?
how are you supposed to do that when you don't know a thing about these people? not even their name.
it's hard for me to concentrate in class because i think about all the other people in the class.
it's as if they are watching me. but not really in a bad way. i wonder if the guy sitting 3 rows across and 2 seats down from me has seen my shirt, or my necklace, and what he thinks about me.
funny, isn't it? guy. never girl. that really says something i think. or maybe it's the lack of experience.
do you just go up to someone and introduce yourself?
once you say your name what are you then supposed to talk about?
the problem with me is that i lack inner confidence, inner trust, and inner security which is then externally translated into quietness, walls, and sometimes abrupt anger. but the reason i lack all of these things is because i do not have the correct external environment i long for. (i cant even believe i am saying this. i'm pathetic, really. it's been years and contentment only lasts for a short while). again, though, the reason i lack my external environment is because i lack my internal environment. overall it's really as if i lack everything apparently. i don't care if this self-loathing, depressing, sad, etc. it is what it is. i feel how i feel.
i feel bad that i have been talking about change for so long, change slightly, but never completely, and then complain. perhaps i don't want to change enough. maybe i haven't really ever dabbled with the thought of complete and total change. maybe i don't know what it takes to do that. as sad as it is, i haven't really seen any of the people around me change to the ways they want to change to either. it's like everybody talks but nothing walks. don't talk the talk if you can't walk the walk. and the thing is i'm the prime exampple. i stopped having judgments towards everyone. (well, minus a rare few). if there's anyone that should be judged it's me. and if theres anyone that doesn't deserve to judge others, it's me. who am i to say anything? i am full of mistakes, guilt, and anger. i have not (and never) accomplished anything i have told myself i would.
what kind of life is that?
why, though, is it so easy to just fade away and not pay attention and just become invisible?
i really hate that it takes so much effort to become the opposite.
waking up to the reality of the world is extremely shell shocking. i am a turtle who wants to hide and run slowly, but i can't do that because everybody else is a lion.
life just seems too difficult. the ideas in my head aren't original. i don't know anything about anything. if i talk and make it seem like i know something, i don't. i don't know anything. i don't even know about myself, the one thing i have focused my attention towards constantly for years.
i feel like i have completely failed.
there's too much going on. i don't like living in 2011. everything is already accomplished. i feel as if i was born undearneath the weight of the world and i will never be able to come out. i don't feel like i'm destined to become sometihng great. i don't feel like i will have some great invention or some great idea or some great knowledge. is that wrong? if i have this mindset will it be the cause of just that-failure? if i thought otherwise would my life and future turn out differently?
the real question is this; is pessimism a temperment or is it a malleable mindset? and if it's the latter, would you please advise me (IN GREAT DETAIL) on how to PERMANENTLY become the opposite?
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
as the sun goes down, and the sun goes up, i get closer each day to the person i want to be. there will always be holes, and things that need improvement, and things i want to change, but what would life be without those things? i'm not 100% where i want to be, but it's okay because i don't really feel like i'm supposed to be. i'm still on the edge between two different world, and have about 5 different paths i could go down. it's all part of the adventure, i just need to get rid of the pins and needles and start walking.
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