Transparency.

Close your eyes
Don't looking down.
Emotions are people
with their backs on the ground
Swallow a heart
Forget the sound
Emotions are for lovers
With their hearts on the ground

Cherish being lost
Terrified of being found
Emotions are for the dead
With their bodies in the ground
Too much time
Can get a person down
Emotions are for zombies
With their limbs in the ground.

Words reverberate
into dreams, nevermore.
Emotions are for people
Who have already shut the door.
Read those lips
They do nothing but bore
Emotions are for people
Who have lost their core.

Touch the sun
Don't let it be brought down
Emotions are for people
With their fingers in the ground
Drink the water
Push through the mound
Emotions are for people
With their heads in the ground

it won't be so bad.
it really won't be so bad.

i'm tellin' ya, i've lost the talent

oh, bed room eyes
can you see clearly now?
let the moon illuminate the darkness
and the empty spaces within
for the sun will rise and sweeten thy soul.

when we find another
we'll open our arms to the heavy stampede.
stamp stamp stamp
away away away

reality never settles
reality never feels
in concrete bunkers you've created
for a mass of people, who never show.

fire flies can't possibly
fly without their fire...
save me
save me from myself

we're all the main characters
and each one of us is missing our show.
not a beginning, nor an end, it's supposed to be this way.

wish wish wish
oh, bedroom eyes

do you see clearly now?

garble, don't mind me.

never close with anyone. too many walls that are invisble, now. made me who i am but now who i want to be. that makes no sense and steers you into a big fucking fork in the road each time. scared to be in love because of the fear of repetition. bad things come more than once. never believe in forever. i don't believe in forever. maybe i should but for now i don't. so many strings and so many hooks but not enough scissors. would do anything in the world for a girl best friend. unable to open myself up because i dont know how anymore. don't understand what it feels like to open doors that have been locked for ages. don't even know where the keys are, honestly. do i need another pair of shoes? do i use that too sparingly? maybe shoes aren't what i need. feeling like i dont know how to live a happy life. blaming others for not being close to them when it's really my fault because all i see are people flaws. small thigns that make me push people away and not want to be close with them. but i'll talk to anyone and help them when they're in hell and even if theyre in heaven. does that even make sense? no line is drawn so no line can be crossed. constant contemplation of the cycling of analytical statements. it's repetition and like i said, it's never going to go away. it really should start to make sense by now but it hasn't. this is harder than anyhting else. everything else is just getting over the fact that the person who is your life isn't your life anymore. piece of cake, you know. i shouldn't say that though because it took me a very long time to get out of it. i shouldn't even go back to it. no use in doing that except for all the strings lead back to it. not in a harsh way where it haunts your entire being from day till night and back again. but in jsut a way where you never fully can let go or get a grip. so it's basically like you've fallen all the way down but at the same time you're still just standing there waiting to fall. two different spectrums, and it's impossible to move. eh, nah, it's not. but that's how i feels. because once footsteps are lost in mud and rythym is replaced with a silent sound of guidance you're somehow supposed to feel on your own, it's sometimes hard to hear it when your head is so loud. who are all these people anyways? and where do they come from and how do they see and how do they not realize that neither one of us has ever really touched the surface of each other? i'm not realizing that we're all teenagers and we're all alike. i need to stop setting myself apart. it's a defense. it's a defense. i am different but in the right way. and i am the same in the way that i can be friends with whoever i want to be friends with. i don't need people to steer my way. right? RIGHT!?

you are sane.
you are one.
you are me.
you are okay.
you are okay.
you are okay.

stop the defense.
stop the defense.
stop. stop. stop.

one of the hardest and easiest things im ever going to have to do.

a sigh of a relief, an inside out belly

ASDLASJDASLDJASDLAJSDLASJDEHFODSVN.

why can everyone else get shore houses with their girl firends or go on winter break with them or have a girls night but I CAN NEVER SEEM TO FIND EVEN ONE GIRL.


there's something wrong here...

what if i told you that the most extreme form of everything you've ever known;
runs farther
faster
harder
deeper
shallower
thicker
turns to solid more easily

would you believe me, then?

one more to go

who am i kidding

ill never get it and youll never run.
guess that's how it's gonna be, guess that's how i gotta be

lonliness passes from one pallet to the other and never ceases to fade




the title of this blog should be:
hi, welcome to the angriest blog and compilation of writing you'll ever come across, HA

i fucking love you.

this is not for you.

how is it that you can spend months on top of months perfecting every inch of yourself, only to see it crumble within a days worth of swimming?

how is it that so much distrust can lead to so much discomfort which leads to so much trust and so much comfort?

how is it there is always an itch you can't scratch?

how is it that phases feel like lifetimes?

how is it that there are so many positives and so many negatives?

how is it that so much anger to brew inside of you without even knowing where it's stored?

how is it that what was once so easy and double sided, became a multiple dimension shape with so many ridges?

how is it that it's so hard to find the good things in life until you least expect happiness to show?

how is it that even the people with the best eye sight can be so blind?

how is it that everything contradicts everything else that also contradicts?

how is it that something so unbelievably scary can be the most beautiful thing in the world?

how is it that at one moment in your life you can so easily and effortlessly give everything to someone and then at another moment, walk right passed them like you don't even know them?

how is it that a privilege can feel like a chore?

how is it that love, an emotion, something intangible, can be somehow felt so strongly through your veins and in the air?

how is it?
____
i guess when it boils down to it, this is such a scary thing. i've given myself to you, really. i never thought i'd be in this spot, never thought i'd be walking with shoes let alone ones that tie, never thought i'd be able to never see dark shades of blue. i'm so happy. i am. i'm happy. i trust you. i trust me. and i trust us. it's a wonderful feeling. it's just scary to think that it's starting over again.

i love every single thing about you.
i search desperately for a way to show you but nothing comes close.

it's time to restart the clocks.

-|
it's so much easier to talk about the bad.
it's so much easier to talk about the bad.
it's so much easier to talk about the bad.
one in, one out. over and over and over.

i don't know. i think i have the right words to say to explain how i feel
but once my fingers hit the plastic keys- nothing.

if i dont start caring and overcoming my anger, i'm going to regret all the misused love and guidance that is right in front of me. wow.

september twenty eigth two thousand and nine.

home.

right when i begin, you begin,
and right when you stop, i begin.

this is so totally right.

everyone is so much alike and we don't even realize it.
we're all different versions of the same people.


i wish it was easier.

kissssykissssy alllllllllll for you

:D

i hear you fade away
and i hear you crawl
i gave my life away
and i feel no pain
and i feel no pain
and i feel no pain
and i feel your pain

i still feel really fucking angry. mehhhhh

best birthday i've ever had. such a good time, and almost all good people.
thank you.

birthday.

i feel fucking amazing. this is wonderful.

i miss angie.
i miss ron.

exciteddd for tomorrow. it feels awesome to have people to spend time with that think you're chill as fuck. such a change in scenary, i'm feelin' it.
yayay. i dont want to explain, i just want to enjoy.

:]

meh. overcooked noodles stink. boo.
ah well, same old shit. not like it matters too much anyways.

let's talk about summer. a little bit. maybe.
thought it'd be terrible. started terrible. project impact wasn't what i expected and not what i needed or wanted. i had fun, but i was looking to have more than that. i got nothing out of it and i lied when i said i'd bring it home. there is nothing to bring home when people have hollow eyes.

rest of summer goes by unnoticed. mostly. it was "our" summer, though. you and me. me and you. it's funny what time can do to you, in a good way. i'd be so different without you.

it was a nice summer. full of solitude and many long nights with myself. many nights with myself when i was high. almost every night with myself when i was high. it was as if life had just unwrapped completely and i had understood the texture of the floor mat underneath me. it's still like that right now. i enjoy it. i enjoy myself. the way i dress, laugh, look, act. i never thought i'd be this person, in this skin, with this hair, with this smile. but i am. and i like it.

there are so many new people. there is so much potential. i want to stretch my legs. no more repeats. i'm so fucking excited for this year and for everything. i want to write something. this is the year that i'm going to discover myself even more.

there shall be more.

hey, hey you.
i owe you one.

i forget what it feels like to be close with a girl

i'm breaking. nothing comes at the right time. there is no time. i was just feeling happy. i was just feel comfortable in my skin. now theres more to deal with. more to supress. more to feel. more more more. i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i can't do this. i dont want to talk to anyone. i dont want to feel. i dont want to live. i dont care about you. i dont care about eating. i don't care about anything. im lying. if i didnt care i wouldn't be feeling this. typing this. what the fuck. i have so many walls. i'm losing what it takes to have enough faith in someone to put them down. theres always a point where everythng stops.

i was fucking happy.
i thought i was strong enough to keep it.

i'm tired of this life. i'm tired of this skin. i want out. i feel incredibly low. this is the first time in my whole life i have never been able to get out of a mood or to hide it. it's scaring me. i'm scaring myself. i need help. i need something. i need to stop. i'm afraid. i dont know. i dont know. i'm sorry. i hate you. i can't do this. fuck. i'm falling apart. im sorry.

I STATEMENTS

i stopped being excited.
i'm leaving in an hour. fuck leaving in an hour. fuck leaving.
i dont want to go into this feeling this way.
i dont want to have to share.
i don't want to feel alone and i know i'm going to.
i dont want to have to feel like i'm trying so hard.
i don't want to try anymore.

I DONT WANT TO GIVE A FUCK.

i hate the way that i can feel so good one minute
and so fucking shitty the next. anger is a bitch.
you're all bitches.
i'm not even calling you to say goodbye
im not calling anyone this whole weekend.
you all can go figure out where the fuck i'm going, i've told you and quite frakly i don't give a shit whether you're worrying or not.
angry, angry, angry, madi.

i need a release. this doesn't even come close.
i need a passion.
i want to feel something that feels real without a second thought.
i want people to stop treating me like a baby and watching my every move just because i'm short.
i can handle my own, i'm not some dumb little shit.
yeah, i know you're trying to take care of me but it just feels annoying.
i dont need anyone to hold my hand, i can hold it myself thank you.

whatever.
i have to go pack and do my hair.
nothing i say is going to come close to explaining how i feel.
i know exactly what i need, but i have no idea where i'm gonna get it.

have a good mother fucking weeekend, you.
know why? becuase you fucking deserve it.

odd. i keep thinking lately about how there are so many kids of yourself and how hard it is know ever single side well.

i feel as if there are many different parts to me. it's why i can relate to so many different kinds of people so easily.
i like to read.
i like smart, intelegent people who know how to have a good conversation.
i like people who are people smart.
i like it when someone knows themselves.
i like it when you understand where the line is drawn.
and i like it when you know what side you're on.
i like to smoke weed.
i really like to smoke weed.
at concerts i want to go insane
jump up and down forever
sing at the top of my lungs
get lost in the music.
i need to do that.

i don't know how to feel.
i'm always going to feel numb to this.
it's so routine and i'm so over it.
doesnt even phaseeee me, ha.
i knew it was coming.

we only come out at night.
smashing pumpkins.

i haven't been in a mood like this is so long. i miss it, almost. things become so routine, sometimes.

i lied.

moods can change so quickly sometimes. fuck.
i hate thinking of shit that's wrong
but i hate trying to not think about it becuase i don't want to just push away what i'm feeling.
i dont know.

fuck this.
i wanna fuck shit up sometimes.
im crazy.

convention tomorrrrow and all weekend.
nothing is phasing me. fuck.
it'll be a good time though,



helllllllllllllllllllll yeahhhh

i'm not sure

i dont know how to feel. my mom & step dad got into a fight last night and my mom was being violent and drunk. and i didn't know what to do so i called the cops. and eventually they arrested her for the night and now she cant live or be in/around my house for two weeks.

i don't know how i feel. i don't even really feel anything. sure, last night i was crying. but when it comes down to it i feel numb. i'm not as angry as i could be or as sad or feeling much of anything. i just wish i had my own car because then i wouldn't even have to worry about anything at all.

yeah.

it's too hot in my room. i want to go back to sleep but i don't think i should.
blink 182 concert tonight. i feel somewhat bad i'm not that excited.

...
NOTHING EVER PHASES ME, seee.

oh well. i dont have anything to say and i don't have anything to really want. which is good, i guess. just sucks that situations likes these have to happen in the first place. but i guess it's what makes me who i am in the end.
whatever that means.

i took all my fake nails off. i feel much more like myself. i am a much more desirable and mysterious person. i like how it feels.

i feel so good.
i can't wait to go driving tomorrow.
i can't wait to see jesse & others (hopefully) on wednesday.
i can't wait for the concert on thursday.
i can't wait for RLTI this weekend.


i'm smiling a real, true, smile.
despite the fact that i look like a chip munk hahahah

last night i woke up to a text from kevin: "you really are a great person, madi".
that made me feel so so so good. just a simple text made me feel so much better for a whole 24 hours. thank you.

i guess i really suck at eating when i cant eat. i woke up at 8:30 this morning, went to rinse my mouth out, attempt to brush my teeth, and wash my face. halfway through i felt so dizzy and i knew i was gonna pass out. my vision got so blurry and i ran downstairs and literally shoved jello down my throat as fast as i could. it was scary. i don't even want to feel that way again. but anyways, so i guess i'm not really in that much pain. it's the worst in the mornings because it's hard to open my mouth wide to get food into it and because my pain meds have worn off, it hurts. boo. i'm healing though so yay.

i havent don't much of anything this weekend but i had a great night tonight. i had good conversations with everyone i was taking to. i love that. it made me feel good catching up with angie and just getting closer with people in general. i have seen such a change in myself this summer. trusthfully, i didn't think i would change at all. but i'm really growing into my own skin and discovering myself. it's a great feeling. i'm a lot more confident in my abilities and i don't doubt myself as much. nothing is ever as hard as it seems, i just gotta put some elbow grease into it.

i can't wait to drive. there are so many people i want to go to lunch and dinner with and have sleepovers with and see. it's going to be so good for me to drive. i know it. i'm going to flourish so much once i get my lisence. by then ill have a job and with a job ill have money. and with money i can pay for all the things my mother won't pay for. and it will be a nice feeling because i will really be LIVING the way i want to live and i won't feel as restricted. i'm so so so excited.

lately i've been having little random thoughts about what i want my house to look like when i eventually have one. the kind of bath tub i want. what i want my back yard to have in it. the way i'm going to raise my children. the first time i ever really had thoughts like that, they were influenced by something and by someone. but now everything is just coming becuase it's ME. i really enjoy being single and being by myself. i always thought it was such a funny concept how i could love spending so much time with myself, alone, with someone i didn't like that much. but looking back at me thinking that, i realized that i only felt that way because eventually i would have to end up here. and now i don't feel that way anymore. instead, i love being by myself, with myself, within myself, because i love myself. i do. there are times when i still feel so hopeless. but the majority of the time i've been feeling great. i havent rushed myself. i've been so patient with this whole process of learning to trust and learning to feed and give and share. and i've prooven myself wrong so many times. i thought i'd never be here. i've come so far. it's a wonderful feeling and i have so many places to go and so many people to see.i want to do so many things. i couldn't do them all this summer but i will, eventually. i'm going to keep adding and adding to my list. it's going to be amazing.

i love living and smiling and sharing random theories with random strangers as well as random smiles. and i love question & answer sessions and two people when there both high and theyre bth ranting to eachother about the same thing because they want the same thing. and i love how everyone understand everyone else, even if a little bit in some way. i love this day and this night and right now, i love this life.

i love everything about you

HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE IS ABLE TO LOVE THEIR FUCKING LIFE EXCEPT FOR ME

last night was one of the most random fucking nights and one of the first adventures i've taken in a very long time.

i am so much different.


hello world.

randoms

1. i really believe that every single Kevin i know is incredibly cute, sexy, or just overall easy to look at. i have yet to be proven wrong.

2. i slept too much today. i hope i'm not sick.

3. my body hurts everywhere. i really am out of shape.

4. nowhere really fucking fast.

5. i know you're eventually going to read this and i want to let you know that you make me smile. yeah, YOU.

6. i love on demand.

7. goodnight.

8. if you're still debating whether of not that you is for you, it is.

i'm actually really happy. i've just had a bad night, to fill you in.

I hate it. i don't understand how you can be such an asshole.
I just want to get to know someone.
it's one thing to see people everyday for 180 days of the year.
it's another to know what makes them tick. not even. i don't think it's much to ask, but apparently you do.
I don't need that.

There are no songs to sum up how i feel.
Saturnine does a good job though. Billy Corgan is a goddamn genius.
I wish i was blank. that'd be wonderful.

I hate that i make myself look like an idiot. I sit there trying to tell you how much i care. That i'd like to see your face, know you're alive. SHOW YOU. but i get an "okay" as an answer when i try. so fuck that. i'm tired of trying. if you want to be my friend, then you do it. i've tried but i'm done now. you'll never fucking notice.

the people that i always have wanted to talk to, but never knwo what to say, end up talking to me. i likethat. a lot. it's a nice feeling.

I'm not really sure if i miss you. I do but i don't. it's different. I wonder if the way i feel is how you feel after years of marriage. After you've been through days of hair in the shower, on the soap, of snoring. but it's not a bad thing. you don't hate it. you embrace it because that's comfort. but over time things lose that edge. or do they not? i don't know how unconditional true love feels.

I love night time so much. I don't like night time when I feel lonely. Hollow, even. isn't that funny? probably not. everything is a mindset. i wish there were arrows i could insert right after each paragraph i write. that'd be cool. i'd like that.

i love my ear. the way the piercing looks near my face is just so sexy, in my opinion. i like feeling sexy. i like when other people are sexy too. girls are sexy. i understand why guys are so horny. if i was a guy, i'd be the same way. hell, i am that way. who i am kidding. i want to make love.

meh. i could write all day. i could write about nothing all day. i don't feel like writing anymore.
goodnight, whoever you are. sweet dreams.

growing tired of water all the time, you quench my heart & quench my mind

blank

i wish i was blank. i wish i was blank. i wish i could thank. i wish i was blank. i'd write a letter to you and there'd be nothing to it. i wouldn't hem and haw on just how to start it. i wish i was blank. i wish i was blank. i wish i could thank. i wish i was blank. i wish i'd stand up straight. i wish i'd said things different. i wish i'd said nothing. things would be so perfect. wish myself to keep. i pray my soul to sleep. i wish myself away. i wish i was blank.

not done, never done.

when it's summer, my days and nights blend into one. the sunrise is the sunset and the sunset is the sunrise. i like it this way. i love it this way. i smoke too much weed. that comes with a negative connotation only because it's clearly something that is wrong, as shown by the courses of action that have happened this week. i play online scrabble everyday. when i'm bored at night i watch food network. i am a good friend. i don't need reassurance of that or anyone to tell me a second time. i am sure of it. many many many people tell me that i am "cute, awesome, a sweetheart, amazing." but i don't enjoy hearing that because their actions don't speak the same language. however, many people also tell me that they feel comfortable around me and can tell me anything. i love that they can, i hate that i never feel the same way back. i am powerful and i am powerless. i am everything you can imagine but i am simple a small molecule of the world around us. i am nobody. i am everybody. i feel selfish using so many i's. it's okay, though. it gets you places in small moderation. one day i want to make a list of every thing in my life, even something small like the brand of tooth paste i use and change it. change everything. i love to drink water. it's all i ever drink besides my morning orange juice and an occasional ginger ale. i take people for what they are. i really truely mean it when i say that anyone can tell me anything. but we aren't brought up to act upon that unless we feel like the person won't let us fall, so nobody ever really does unless they know the look in your eyes. something like that. i'm glad there are still those people though. i'm scared. i used to be afraid to admit it to myself but i'm nto anymore. that never gets you anywhere. i clean my room so many times even though i never throw anything away, just move it to different places. maybe that's symbolic. i look for people who are well roundede and wordly. if you can't fend for yourself, i don't really want you. i can't wait to grow up beause everybody this age stinks. but so do i, honestly. i'm not different. sex is important to me. really important to me. i hate that people are willing to give it away so easily. i can see why, though. i dont like fake nails. i like how they look but theyre fake after all and i dont like them. theyre not for me. i love cuddling and sleeping with someone. i want to watch the sunrise with someone. i want to have a picnic with someone. i want a best friend. a girl best friend. like i've never had before. i think it's funny that you can look back on yourself, at a certain point, at the person you once used to be, and can feel lke you're looking at a complete stranger. you can't even relate to that person. their eyes are different. who is this person, you think. but it's you. it's the you that was there before slowly bits and pieces got taken away. it adds and subtracts all the time. everything is shaping you. lonliness isn't so bad. you should embrace it, so i've been told. it can teach you a lot about yourself when you embrace. you really learn whats really for you instead of what you think is for you. sometimes, when you're lonely, you'll do anything. am i right? i think so. and if not, well, you can tell me i'm wrong. i wish i had more confidence. it's the key foundation for everything and i don't have much. it's more than it was, though. so i'll give myself that. but it's no reason to stop trying. i probably shouldn't have to remind myself of that. i remind myself of a lot of things. sometimes it's hard to fit in. maybe i don't fit in because i believe i stand out so much even though i don't. it's a weird thing, you know. but even those who fit in know what it feels like to not fit in. so, we're all equal. we're all humans regardless of every single thing. it's a shame we can never seem to learn that. it's all so fucking simple, nobody sees it. whatever. my favorite number is 4. when asked what my favorite color is i'll tell you it's purple. but when i think about it some more, i hate them alll except white. so i guess that's my answer. there i go, again. i love my teeth. and my hands. and my feet. and my eyes. i enjoy wearing a black bra with black underwear and black socks. that'd make it a good day. i wear soccer socks every day in the winter. i think it's cute and it keeps me warm. i'm always too hot or too cold, though. i hate turtle necks. i love hot fries. and sometimes bbq chips. or anything bbq, really. i want to feel something. something huge. something that is so awakening and envigorating i can feel it in my bones. i don't want to feel the walls. i wish i knew how to be around girls the same way i am around guys. i like girls. i think theyre cute. i think theyre many things. i want to explore it more. but it's hard. like i said, i'm not afraid to admit. i've been cheated on. i've cheated. i will never do it again. i don't like being lied to so i try my hardest not to lie. no good comes from lying, in 97% of cases. i used to go to overnight camp. i miss it but everyone tells me i shouldn't. summer sucks. i hate it. i dont like not having routine and vegitating all day. i can't wait for my life to start. this isn't living. i shouldn't have said that. you don't wait for your life to start, you start it. i never wear my hair curly. iwant to more but i stop myself. you were right, there is no should. there are no rules. everything can be really simple once you get down to it. it's really hard for me to look at life through that lens though. i dont think i am creative. i such at thinking of metaphors for how i'm feeling or how i am. it's why i dont write anymore. i don't like the frustration. i make myelf look weak. damn. i give good advice. i think. i hope. i wish people were more comfortable. me included. i am jewish. i dont know if i believe in god. i don't think i ever will believe in god, though. maybe slightly. you dont need relgion. i think it's stupid that in an AA meeting they tell you that you have to believe in god. you don't. what if god is simply yourself? it's just an excuse. a false reason. i'm open minded though. believe what you want, i'm not stopping you. my music taste has changed lately. it's fitting, i think. everything is fitting though. because theres a reason for it. i love to read. my favorite boooks are A Million Little Pieces, Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, Running With Scissors, & Tuesdays With Morrie. i don't know who i am talking to. but knowing i might be talking to someone makes this feel worth it. hello, whoever you are. introduce yourself. tell me something new. i love it.

have i told you how much i love my life, lately? because i really think you deserve to know.

I SURRENDER.

i wonder if it's ever going to go away.

it's not difficult to hear the hurt in his voice. "i have to go" are probably the four words i use most with him. the thought that normally accompanied these words was BECAUSE I NEED TO DRINK. now it's because i need to go TALK ABOUT THE NEED TO DRINK. it's like alcohol gets in the way even when it's out of the way.



i feel this way.

i want to rip time right out from under each one of us.
I DONT WANT TO EXIST.

fuckkkkkkkkkkkk this mood

what it's worth

for me.

classic summer nights. the stars. the wet grasss. sleepovers. bowling with drunk boys. new heights. potential. mama dukesss. water. augusten. sight. feet. wisdom teeth. SAT practice tests. hallway two. 11:30 smoke ups which are so beautifullll. guitars. yellow. sammeh! oh shittt...i know you, always. DO YOU SEE THE BEAUTY YET!?

i feel awesome

cheating is so fucking terrible.

makes me so angryconfusedawed that someone can throw away something so fucking amazing for something that clearly isn't worth it at all. goodluck.

i want to be the boy in the book

your hair, it's everywhere

goodbye.

i've never wanted to get to know someone so badly without knowing them like i want to get to know you. it's crazy and it feels extremely liberating. i noticed your hand movements. i can see it in your eyes. i want to reach further. i wish there was more time.

i want to touch you.

actually i lied. i do, indeed, have many many places to go.

THE POSITIVE. THE NEGATIVE

i don't have anywhere to go.

it's extremely hard to embrace lonliness.

we're all tired and so many of us have lost the ache for new colors.



except for me.

i miss it and i don't. such a wishful thinker. i wish you knew how much i cared. what i say doesn't come close. but i can't handled one sided anything so...yeah. it's okay though. here goes our next adventure. are you ready?

i see people as so small. in small aspects, the small things about them, as small to begin with. the person who lets me show them all the small things i've learned to combine together and love for the big person they are, will in return be given my love.

i like the person i am becoming.

i apologize for my explosion of anger yesterday.


three days. i am so fucking excited.

i hate highschool and i hate you all.

today was bad.

you're all a bunch of god damn sinners. where is your conscience?

FUCK THAT.

whoever you are, and wherever you go, i will always remember you.

why do people put fucking spaces in between the last word of a sentence and the period that is supposed to end it? are they afraid to make something finalized? so fucking annoying. and it's fucking stupid i get the old "please dont feel that way, i have too much to worry about". well congratulations, as if to think i'm just gonna feel better because YOU have shit to worry about. god damn. why is it so hard for colors to blend in my life? i really want to know the answer to that fucking question. this summer is going to suck.

i want to take dance lessons so bad. i think it's insanely beautiful how people can dance like theyre fully in the music. like the sound waves are pulsating through their body. i want do that.

i still feel it. please come home soon. please wake up. please.

i'm meeting the governor tomorrow.

you know those nights where everything just falls into place and you really feel like you're sitting where you are for a huge reason? and you feel important and you feel at one with the stars and the music and the silence in the car shared between the people in it? yeah, you know that kind of night? cause i really bet you do.

I hope you're happy. i hope you're all happy

being alone was okay. dinner was good. fire works were pretty. the shore was good. i look like a lobster. today was nice. i'm learning the distance between your steps, it's nice. it's such a nice feeling knowing potential is being used. yay :D

i had such a good day

everything is connected

sometimes, things just feel so fucking good.
i don't want to talk anyomre.

working out makes me feel good.

i want to make a list. here goes:

-sing.
-buy a hammock.

-read all of the 21 books that i need to read.
-finish the scrap book.
-make a better year box.
-make a better bbyo box.
-run.
-run away.
-no.
-become closer.
-feel it.
-FIND it.
-play in the mud.
-play in a lake. with the girl who has a ladder.
-stop being afraid.
-stop pushing.
-stop making excuses.
-stop caring so much.
-start smiling.
-start walking upright.
-start feeling.
-learn.
-feel.
-interact.
-don't wear so much makeup.
-wear my hair curly.
-lay in the grass.
-swim.
-spend the night.
-release.
-get closer with angie.
-touch you.
-stop pushing away something that could form again (ron)
-remember that pronouns are useless.
-TRUST TRUST TRUST TRUST.
-train. yes.
-just fucking stop it allllllllllllllllllllllllllljsd khaskdhasd.

i hate the way i'm always scared. for every aspect whether it be school, getting into college, keeping friendships, being able to keep my house, being able to keep my family, being able to keep money, keep my confidence, make frineds, talk to people about things i feel passionate about, moving. i hate this. i feel pathetic. i am more than this and i am more than i let myself be. i am more than these walls.
i hate the way you all cave into eachother. i hate the way you all just have such a fucking thirst for dependancy. man up, why don't you. you are completely fine. you have always been completely fine. i love the way, even though you cave, the way your curves are. you wouldn't approve of me saying that but i do. i want to experience everything i've experienced all over again.
i dont care if you don't understand. i don't care if you have questions. i don't care if you don't want to come with me. i don't care if want to look at me weird. i don't care if you think i'm stupid. i don't fucking care. i need to do something to release the rest of everything. i feel it. it's right below the surface. i love that i can feel it. running doesn't help, i need something better. i have shoes. now i'm gonna find the road and i'm gonna do it all by my fucking self. thank you.

i cant decideee

nsiah or sganitttt. asdkhasd, so back and forth
this is funny

no matter how good i feel, i always feel an empty void and i have no idea what it's going to take to fill it.

i wonder what would happen

i really miss being in love and i'm really scared of letting this last wall down. i dont know what to do.

nononononono.

whyyyy are you so stupid. seriously like it's so blinding. isn't there a point where the light becomes too much for your eyes and you can't see and then you REALIZE you can't see and then you DO SOMETHING about it? apparently some people miss that part of the walk. that doesn't matter, much. statues do not moveee.

you still need to shut up. everyone needs to shut up.

nothing is giong to happen. first of all, we like the fact that there is a fact. and the fact that there is possibility. and we dive into that pool but when we think about it some more, right before coming up for the breath you need to survive, we don't want it. nothing is going to happen.

and same with everything else. it's just too quick to the point. i'm being too pushy with things. i have been for a long, long time. i need to put myself around people who do something. these people don't do things.

ive been really angry lately. ive been really alone.
i have nothing left and im starting not to care.


but even though i'm not the beholder, i'd climb those fucking ladders anyway.
if only all of you who are you all would see that. i think i do something wrong.

i can't wait to go the beachhh :]

damn,

i wish everyone would shut the fuck up. you're not even worth all the oxygen we are wasting.

i want a place to call my own.


i want a place where i don't have to keep worrying.

happy may 21st, i suppose.

i don't like it when people say ya. it's just something that has always bothered me.

have you ever looked up at the sky and seen it go from dark blue and fade to a ligher blue, all the while with the brightest stars you've seen in ages smiling at you? that's how the sky looks tonight. it's cool how open it can make things. how much i just want to outstretch my arms and lay in the grass until morning comes. i really want to do that. i know i can do it with you. i really do know i can do it with you. but i don't know if i want to. i mean, yes, of course i want to. but i go back and forth on it over and over. irony is so prevalent in my life. i guess it's that way for everyone, though. it's just so tough when connections are so incredibly hard to make. so once one is made, over time it strengthens into what it should be, naturally. but who's to say that's what's best? when youve gone through the same process once before, how do you look at it now? i really cannot tell you. my head my foggy. really foggy.

i could address so many things. maybe i should. i keep things in my head so much of the time. like i said, connections are so hard to find. everything always goes back to you. i'm afraid of that. i've been afraid of that and it's happening now and i'm not sure what to do. i dont know if it's bad or good, that's the thing. i just wish there was another. a girl. like i always wish for. i know i lead myself on. i think i do it subconciously to be hopeful but i don't know why becuase i know what's going to happen. i don't have a good sense of real from fake, all of the time though. i'm not afraid to admit my flaws anymore though. i don't care. you take me as what i am. you help me form what i'll become and vise versa, always. i would never want anything opposite. i inhale the pixels too much though. how do others do it? they keep 20 others around, close knit, right under their noses. i dont get it. it's so hard for me. i wish i wish i wish.

i want there to be others. more. a few more. everything is always a cycle and i say it every time. i say everything, every time. it's going to happen this way. i'm going to grow distant becuase i'm going to become afraid. happiness seems so solid, in a sense. like it can just be easiyl given over to the person sitting next to you. but not like that. i don't want things to be that way but it's really reallllly hard to push through those barriors. how do you do it? i really wonder if you just lie about it. someone told me once that if you lie to yourself enough, to begin to believe it. i havent tried it becuase i don't want to. but i kind of think theyre right. a little bit. maybe not.

there are times when i really love myself and times when i really hate myself and times where i'm numb towards myself. and i wish i could just be at a stable position but it hasn't been that way in a very, very long time. i want to say it to you. completely unrelated to what i just said, but it's on my mind. i know i'd be lying though. why do i want to say something that isn't true? i guess i just want it more then i allow myself to see. i found the perfect thing for us. it explains us so well. i want to leave it for you but i don't know how. i don't know when or if i want to. askdhad. everything keeps going back to you. i don't know if i lke this very much. i love it, all the while, though. i cant make up my minddd.

I want summer and i want connections and i want to talk and sit down and not feel angry. i want to seep deeper in this feeling. besides this stupid blog, how good i feel. i want to embrace it. i'm still fascinated with the fact that someone can wake up one morning and just feel like everything that's been holding them down is gone. liberation is the fucking best. i need more of it. i don't know how to end. that's a good thing i think. i shouldn't know how to end becuase i don't need to end.

this is only just beginning.
it's a good thing, it really is, even if i didn't make it seem like it.

let me just clarify.

the weather is beautiful. i am so excited.
sam is going to project impact with me.
so is melissa. so is alex. so is danielle. so is allie. so is sammi. i am so excited.
summer is soon. hammock is soon. i am so excited.
laying outside with your hand in mine is happening. we're happening. even despite whatever we want to call it, we're happening. i am so excited.
my grades are so good. my public speaking is better. i see things with more color. i have a bit more confidence. i've moved. i am so excited.

i'm being so selfish. it makes me so upset. i dont know. theres only been one person, thus far. besides you, now. but before, just one. and that one person...well, you know what happened. i used to think everything was so much more. even me. i guess not.

last night was so peaceful :]

i feel

SO GOOOD!

i hope we go to the park. i really really really hope we go to the park.

:]

despite everything

i still can't get it out of my mind how amazing it is that i, you, me, anyone, all of us can wake up one morning and feel like all your tightened skin has been shed. it's really amazing. i can't believe it. i could say i'm awe struck, but it's not that intense. in close proximity though, i guess. whatever it feels like it feels amazing. i'm just gonna let it soak in.

i'm going to spend my lifetime searching for something that is never going to fucking exist again.

i cried.

EVERYTHING ALWAYS TURNS.

thirty.

this is number two on a list of only two.

so here it is. sleeping is funny. being awake is funny. not knowing the difference between the two, is even more funny. it's startling when you rise and the sun is shining on your face and you think you're awake. you go through the day and the sun drops below the horizon. you sleep soundly. you think you've taken turns getting up, going to sleep, getting up, going to sleep. but you have not. it rains and it rains and you are protected. and each day you feel the ache in your veins for something more. but then theres something you notice when you rise from your nightly darkness. the walls of your cave have dissapeared. they are crumbled beneath those bed of rocks. it is still raining. you are drenched. you outstretch your arms and you stare directly at the sun, inhaling delicate tear drops from every inch of the road. the sun and the rain. you inhale. you exhale. can't stop, don't ever want to stop. you thought you were awake this whole time. but it's once the cave walls shatter and you realize there's nothing protecting you, that you have so much fucking optimism.

it's true; once you've lost everything you're free to do anything.
i just prooved it to myself. i could have described it better but feelings can be better than words, sometimes. thank you, anyhow though. all of you. even you. yes.

i'm going to explain it down to the smallest detail tomorrow because i don't want to let it go unnoticed.

i havent felt so much like myself in over a year. my fucking god, this feels amazing.

some days just on a really good note. i love that. i love a lot of things too. a lottttt of things. it's nice to be able to see them, now. it's nice to have a whole road in back of me as well as in front. hello.

it still makes me so fucking angry mad sad hurt alone lonely when i don't have any plans on a friday fucking night and my friends decide to ditch me.

it's crazy because i had seen it coming. and during the coming i had seen it leave, as well. isn't that such a funny phenomenon? when you see something come and see something leave? and then years ages weeks days months, all out of order. they pass and you forget and you remember and you lose the feeling in your limbs and in your throat and you don't want to scream anymore. not like that. you don't want anything to do with anything. blank pages lose their whiteness. everything fades until it blends and restores. and then things restore. and brighten. the sun. yellow. here it comes. words are spoken louder but there is no screaming. not like that. everything to do with everything. people never notice anything. it's really a funny thing when they have no idea. it's not hard to see once you open your eyes a bit. it's really easy. it really is. thick tred on my shoes. hey, i have fucking shoes. wondering how you've missed this place without even being there. missing something you've never had. it's a blessing. callouses on thy feet. yeah, they're there. on hearts and fingertips and eyelids but they're being softened. it's all being softened. you're being softened. but i'm being hardened. i am hardened. and then, a smile appears. it's the opposite of what you're thinking. it really is. reciprocated actions. strawberries. grass. new faces. a field. a dress. that look. a whole lotta looks. a new voice. many voices. together. everyone. it's such a wondering fucking feeling. it's not spring. no, it's summer. the essence.

i miss REALLY feeling important.

thank you, it's what i needed and what i felt,

sometimes i still wonder if you knew all along that you were water and i was a sponge.

wouldn't it be nice

i think i'll just type:

i'm really excited for this weekend because i can't wait to see how everything i've done (and everyone else, too) comes out. i really hope it's good. i really really do. i'm scared though as well becuase i heard i was being nominated and that shit just scares the fuck out of me.

i hate that. i hate that i hold myself back. but it's not even that. it's like my mind holds me back. how do you control something you can't control? it just doesn't make sense to me. i wish i had more public speaking skills. becuase if i did, i'd be all over any oppurunity i had to be the biggest leader. but i'm not because i just don't have the guts to get up in front of 70 people and talk like they were my best friends. it just doesn't work for me and i don't think it's ever going to. it's alright, i know, it just sucks.

i wish people were more open. i always want to tell people the little things i notice about them or about something that has to do with them. but if i did, for the most part, that'd be pretty creepy. i guess that defines the differences, though. i just want you to know i notice everything, read everything, care about everything. it's not worth saying because actions speak louder. and one day, youll see it better. i know it.

i also know exactly what needs to be done in order to spot the continuous and repetitious words that have come out, month after month. finally, i am admitting to it. but time is running out. it really is and i don't want to force it. i dont' even really want it but i know it is what will best suit me in the end and help me walk foward with the right attitude. i know i need to do it, i'm just still afraid. it's a good feeling though to wake up each morning and know you're learning to trust yourself more and more. i don't know how you did it so easily or quickly but i realize that everything gets better with time. it's a very slow and monotonous time but it's time in the least. and sometimes, even time well spent.

what to do when the sun isn't shining and the rain isn't pouring, you ask? well. that was hard to answer becuase that's where i am right now but know i'm going to escape from it sooner than i say. things stay for so long when you don't expect them to. the things you want to forget are the things you always remember, and vice versa. it's funny. it's really funny. and it all works out for the better. something better is going to come. i don't know what but it has to. everything is better than this. it's almost impossible to see below me, now. usually that's scary, but right now, it's breathtaking. life is weird.

i feel good. i got a hair cut and i got some clothes that i didn't think would be my style but they are my style which is saying something about the changes i am going through. positive changes. i'm so excited. let's hope this isn't one of those;

not being able to trust 90% of what is around you is really tiresome, ya know.

been

lying to myself for fucking ages.

maybe i should just stop trying, eh?

nobody

really talks to me anymore. all anyone ever says is lol, oh, yeah, or haha. i really don't think i'm that damn boring. what the hell.

we're like a team.

fuck
yes[:

i feel so empty. i can't believe this happened again.
8th time now i think. and 3 times as fucking hard.
damn, what the hell.

i really

can't fucking stand all your uneeded shit. why don't you get your head out of your ass and learn some damn communication skills or some trust or SOMETHING. like i keep saying, keep doing it and see where its gonna get you. cause you know where that is where it has been getting you to? NOWHERE. exactly. wow. i'm laughing because it's so passed anger it's just a laughable matter now. i understand why you are the way you are but i don't even care anymore. because it's been forever and you need to do something or else something bad is giong to happen. and well, as much as it isn't in my nature to say this, I FUCKING TOLD YOU SO!


ha!

today was a good day

and i'm gonna leave it at that.

i hate feeling so secluded in a house in which i knew the person better than anyone in the room except for her. it's so incredibly sad how people just lower themselves. i feel sorry. but maybe i shouldn't being because you don't seem to mind much, anyhow.

ive turned myself into a complete pessimist. and i didn't do a thing about it while walking down the road.

i quit

today.

i don't know if it's me over thinking or if it shows some kind of symbolism to the way things have been lately...

i wonder if anyone knows how fucking hard it is to deal with this shit.
i hate this more than anything. so sick of all this bullshit. blow the fuck over.
get the fuck up and fix your damn life and don't blwo things out of proportion or throw things on the floor or curse or decide one day to just wake up and change everything. destruction never fucking worked. IT'S NOT FUCKING WORKING.

fuck this.
so fucking tired of being tired
of being tired. fuck.

okay, ready?

me + sam + sushi + hamentashens from scratch + movieee + friday night = amazing.

CANT SEE.

i hate that you have no substance. where the fuck does it go? why are people so simple minded. why do they not stretch their fucking limbs and reach for everything they can. why don't they appreciate. i hate that i can't write. i can't write. every single wall. not even minus half. every. fucking. wall. nothing is getting easier. more work gets piled on. harder to keep up. harder to stand. harder. your selfishness annoys the fuck out of me. OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES. i don't treat people right anymore. i dont treat myself right or the road i walk on, either. i need to stop. it's becoming a problem. hell, it's been a problem. nobody is worth it because i dont even feel worth it. i doubt myself. i can't stand up and scream for what i believe in, no matter how much i want to. the parts of me im not in touch with take over. i stutter. really.
and i feel so isolated. it's like everyday i wake up with a ton of bricks on my eyelids. maybe not even that. more so on my legs. i wake up and i prepare for a batttle against no one. no one except for myself. and that's incredibly hard. i don't even know what happened to my own happiness. it comes for 3 hours. it goes away. i take licks of the closest thing i have to contentment and realize it's just barely hanging by a limb. it's taking forever for me to get it in my head. i hate repetition but maybe that's what i need. everything is always a cycle. here we go again. again, again. i dont write in this because i care what people are giong to think. and i care what people are going to think becuase i care about what i think way more than i should. but fuck it. just fuck it. i need to vent. sounds gay. i dont' really hate as much as i say i do. i'm just angry. and i'm about to say it again soon becuase i know i'm going to think of someting else that isn't pleasant to me. like, right now.
i hate the fact that i know someone is going to take my place. i wanted to be the first person. i wanted to create a world with every idea and it's being put on hold. it's being restricted. i don't know if i'm going to feel this strongly next year, this time. i want it though. i want it so fucking bad. it's a passion but it needs to be pushed. i need to be pushed.
i miss you. i miss you a lot. more than i thought i would or more than you'd think becuase i still don't know the way your legs walk or the shape of your eyes. but i suppose that doesn't matter because unlike everything else over the past year almost that has proven my inabilities, you're proving them wrong. and i like that. i really like that becuase it's showing me patience and i really need to get some before i blow my head off. and you know what really doesn't add to that? i've called carrabas FOUR times now. four. and each time they put me on hold forever, hang up, or tell me to call back. well wtf, i don't have all day. i don't have all month, either. i'd understand once or twice, but four times? and probably a fifth time too. it's just really not helping. but that's minor. everything is minor, really. unless you add all the minors together which makes them equvilent to something of greater substance which is exactly the damn circle i run in my head every minute of every day.
i could tell all of this to someone. i could just rant the fuck out their head and make them sit here and listen to me. but i dont want to. trust. maybe that's a factor. that is a factor. fuck. justin doesn't talk to me anymore. it's weird because i liked that company so much more than i've liked other company. but i think i know why and the reason is bad and im mad at myself for allowing that. isn't it funny that things happen and you don't even realize them till weeks after? i've always wondered what it'd be like to overcome your subconcious. if that is even possible. see, the way i see it is that your eyes stem into your brain. a certain section. and once youve seem all there is to see in your subconcious and uncovered all the reasons for everything you've ever done and will do, those eyes are behind your brain. but instead of them being blocked, they just see straight. binocular vision. best for perception, best to see the drips of water and faint smirks on a boys face.
i'm not even aware of how much i miss it. i don't even think i do anymore. i've become so immune to it that i just don't even care. but that's not true and sometimes it just contradicts. basically, i'm a mess. and i don't know how else to put it but i'm really trying to get a grip and put the right damn shoes on for once. because i had the right ones on at one point and then lost them. but maybe shoes aren't even needed. let your skin sink into the mud. feel the ground beneath your feed. absorb everything and sweat out what you translate. come on, it's easy.

order, order, order.
where the fuck is the fucking love.

i hate the wordsssss that spill

i am happy.

+

it's all in the process, process, process.
and it's all fucking awakening :]

fuck everything.

i can't even believe that i've come to such a fucking stone in the wall.
thats all there is right now. a wall. walls, millions. what the fuck.
it's the worst fucking feeling in the entire world when you give and you give and you try your hardest to push yourself and take so much time to try and do better and you push and push and what do you fucking get from it? NOTHING.


i hate this point. where everything just turns over again and you're falling backwards right where you knew you would but had hope you'd walk faster this time.
god fucking damnit. i need something different.
i really can't deal with this anymore. no.

i would give anything in the world to have that feeling back.
i'm scared. i saw green tractors (hard) plowing my purple grass (easily).
it was fucking weird.



i'm farther along then i thought i was.
that's a good thing, a good thing

asdkjflh

you piss me off so much that i really wish i was tall enough to punch you in the face.
wow.

it's weird how i needed so much sleep earlier. i dont even like going to sleep anymore. it's probably a bad thing because i have never been one to function on only a little shut eye, but i guess i make do.

or maybe i don't.
i feel really lonely this week.
i'm really not liking it at all.
i need to snap the fuck out of it

i hate

killing people's hope, even when they won't admit to it.

i've been freaking out. this feels like too much. it's not too much, though. it's the perfect amount of everything. this is exactly what i have been looking for and i feel no difference. a change of pace is coming. 6 months from now something is going to change. everything will be different. i feel it. i know it. i want to write a huge long thing, like angie did, about me. i was giong to before she even did, but i don't like writing about myself. im so in the mood to rant. but i won't because i care too much about what people think, right now. i still need to let everything free. i had a weird trip the other day. every room i was in felt like it was suspended in space, in a black sky. and then every emotion felt like that too. and each room was white and there was pink somewhere in there. i can't really place it too well. and in the only room i remember there was a window with a wooden rectangular table, a glass vase with no water or flowers, and a very colorful couch. i want to disect it. i feel ready.

two thousand and nine

has started off really well.
i think ive made the transition from one side of the surface, to the other.
everything kind of just turned over i think. different colors appear and new textures and faces and i'm so excited.