garble, don't mind me.

never close with anyone. too many walls that are invisble, now. made me who i am but now who i want to be. that makes no sense and steers you into a big fucking fork in the road each time. scared to be in love because of the fear of repetition. bad things come more than once. never believe in forever. i don't believe in forever. maybe i should but for now i don't. so many strings and so many hooks but not enough scissors. would do anything in the world for a girl best friend. unable to open myself up because i dont know how anymore. don't understand what it feels like to open doors that have been locked for ages. don't even know where the keys are, honestly. do i need another pair of shoes? do i use that too sparingly? maybe shoes aren't what i need. feeling like i dont know how to live a happy life. blaming others for not being close to them when it's really my fault because all i see are people flaws. small thigns that make me push people away and not want to be close with them. but i'll talk to anyone and help them when they're in hell and even if theyre in heaven. does that even make sense? no line is drawn so no line can be crossed. constant contemplation of the cycling of analytical statements. it's repetition and like i said, it's never going to go away. it really should start to make sense by now but it hasn't. this is harder than anyhting else. everything else is just getting over the fact that the person who is your life isn't your life anymore. piece of cake, you know. i shouldn't say that though because it took me a very long time to get out of it. i shouldn't even go back to it. no use in doing that except for all the strings lead back to it. not in a harsh way where it haunts your entire being from day till night and back again. but in jsut a way where you never fully can let go or get a grip. so it's basically like you've fallen all the way down but at the same time you're still just standing there waiting to fall. two different spectrums, and it's impossible to move. eh, nah, it's not. but that's how i feels. because once footsteps are lost in mud and rythym is replaced with a silent sound of guidance you're somehow supposed to feel on your own, it's sometimes hard to hear it when your head is so loud. who are all these people anyways? and where do they come from and how do they see and how do they not realize that neither one of us has ever really touched the surface of each other? i'm not realizing that we're all teenagers and we're all alike. i need to stop setting myself apart. it's a defense. it's a defense. i am different but in the right way. and i am the same in the way that i can be friends with whoever i want to be friends with. i don't need people to steer my way. right? RIGHT!?

you are sane.
you are one.
you are me.
you are okay.
you are okay.
you are okay.

stop the defense.
stop the defense.
stop. stop. stop.