seee ya.

i just want to clarify things.

for one, this blog is for me. i compeltely over react and say things i don't mean but that's only becuase i'd rather say it with words to a screen then words to a face. this is how i filter my thoughts. i never talked directly to anyone, and i'm not going to unless i truley have something to say. in which case, i already have.

so with that being said, here's the thing.
aparently "everyone" has read this blog. and as you can probably tell i've been going through a hard time.

losing regional board does not make me less of a person or make me look at bbyo any differently. i understand completely what i said a few posts below, but do you really think i meant that? if i really thought bbgs were blind do you think i would try so hard to be involved with them? no. i didn't mean what i said. i was angry. i love bbyo. i love every single bbg that i've come to meet. theyre all so beautiful. i'm upset that i didn't win beccause i thought everyone would be able to see my dedication. but maybe not. and again, i'm not going to just sit here and dwell on it. it's happened. it's over. i appoligize for being rude and for saying things i don't mean. but this is MY blog and it's for ME to vent. i hope, whoever is reading this, will be able to understand that i'm still a kind hearted person, i was just angry with the situation at hand.

and secondly, the other situation that "everyone" ALSO knows about. people need to stop writing some dumb shit on my formspring. it's ridiculous. i have a right to be selfish. i have a right to be upset. sad. angry. and i am. noone has the right to tell me how i am supposed to be feeling or how i am acting. i'm pretty sure nobody knows the length of the situation. but. anyways. YES i am jealous. OF COURSE i'm jealous. wouldn't you be? if you wouldn't be jealous then you have no idea what you're doing. and no, i'm not being selfish. if i was being selfish i'd try to get in both of their faces and do something about it. but we are both separate people and things happen. i hate the situation and i'ts going to take a long time to get over it, but i'm keeping to myself. i'm trying hard to move on to better things. and so far, it's been working. i've been feeling better. so anyone who is gonna sit here and fall me selfish and whatever bad words ya gotta say, you're wrong. i'm being realistic with the situation. i'm not going to just take it in stride. i'm pretty sure you wouldn't either. so come on now, stop bitching at me and just leave me a lone. it's not your fucking business anyways.

k. that's all. people need to hop off my case. my life isn't everyone's business and you need to all focus on yourselves, and not the situations in my life. and maybe one day some people will realize that everything is just a million little phases put together to make what we have come to call a life. and this is just one phase of many. and it ends. and others will begin. but for god sake, just leave the fuck alone. i'm only human. i deal with things the way i want to and i the way that i do. i'm sorry if you don't like it but if you don't, then that's your problem. I'm just trying to get by and move on.

tnar

i don't really mean what i say. but only on this site. i say angry, bitchy, terrible things on here. and people probably read it and think i'm insane. oh well. people are people. i wish everyone wasn't on my case so much. i'm a human. i'm going to be upset about the things that have happened. there's no way around it. no way of thinking differently. i'm a strong girl. and i'm being strong. but it doesn't stop this from being hard. it doesn't stop this from being SO hard. i don't get it. i don't understand how you can just be so in love with someone and then in such a short time, effortlessly replace them with somebody else. how can you just be okay with that? how can you just look to your right and not miss the fact that it is me? how can you allow her to lay in the same places that we layed in and be okay with that? how can you just completely forget about the thousands of times we've done the things we love to do together? i don't understand. that's not a natural thing. that isn't fair. maybe it wasn't what i thought it was. maybe i'm the one who's blind. maybe i was caught up. but still. it's killing me. it makes me want to break and crumble. someone who i've given everything to. my whole. my mind. my trust. they can just go and easily move on to somebody else. why? why does it take me so long but others so easy? do i not make that much of an impact? do i not hold the right place?

insecurities secure the insecure. you know?

everything is so messed up. pieces don't fit together. things don't fall into place. i really don't even understand. but whatever. what ever. there's more to life. it's not ever. it's never over. i've been here before. i've gotten over it before. new colors will appear and the back of my eyelids won't feel so structured. things fall out of place for other things to fall into place. tomorrow is going to be a great day. i could be an addict. i could be a lot of things. negative into positive, it's time to leave this.

i am my own person. i can make myself happy. i have everything i need in order to succeed in life. i can do this. i am strong. nothing works the way you want it to. nothing gives but that doesn't mean you can't. i don't want to rage. angry me is scary me. angry me pushes. i miss you. i love you. i want you to be mine. but that isn't all there is to life. there's so many opportunities to run in the grass, feel the sun on my face. i just need to find my place. it is okay to be alone. it is okay to be lonely. this willl not drown me. i am strong.

are you seriously in a relationship? did you seirously not tell me? did i seriously just attempt, and succeed, to spill my heart out to someone WHO IS IN A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP!? wow. i'm dumb. but you're even dumber. both of you. you're so, so stupid. you have no sense. no sense of love or companionship or what the fuck you're doing. i hope you regret it. i hope you realize how good you had it. i hope she annoys the fuck out of you. i hope you think of me every time she comes into our home. you lied. everyone always lies. do people feel bad for me? am i not good enough to be told the truth?

am i
not good enough?

i can't believe you. i can't believe that this would happen. nothing ever ends on a good note. nothing ever gives or justifies the means. everybody just decives you and doesn't even give a fuck. fuck you. and fuck her. and fuck you guys together.
FUCK IT.

god, you piss me off so bad. fuck telling you ANYTHING. totally isn't worth a breath of my being. you just think everything is fucking poison. cynical fuck.

people are blind. i can't believe i didn't win. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M NOT ON REGIONAL BOARD BECUASE BBG'S ARE FUCKING RIDICULOUSLY BLINDDDDDDDDDDDDD.

nothing ever, ever gives.

people talk too much. no one actually knows anything in this world, we are all wrong.
my stomach constantly hurts. it's constantly turning. not a good feeling.
i need to take a break. this is so hard. i'm a mess. i'm all over. i'm walking in circles. i have millions of legs walking in my head and they just form little black cirlces in the walls. i'm nervous. i'm excited. i'm afraid. i'm blind. i'm stupid. i wish i knew myself better.



being a teenager is so selfish. i wonder where the line is drawn

agh.
i feel so stuck in my mindddd. i feel so unsure about everything i'm about to face. i need to muster up the motivation to do this. i need to succeed. i want to expand. protect. do my job. it's so hard to suppress fears and weakness though. so. hard.

i dont know. it's 4/20, ahahah. so much fun being high around a shitload of other people who are high. makes everything feel so united. it was a chill day. but it doesn't make anything dissappear or weaken. i dont even know what it does. it doesnt even matter.

i miss you so much. i miss our home. our games. our talks. i miss your eyes and your hair and your ears. and the outline of your silhouette that i know so perfectly. and the sleepovers. and baking. and dinners. and eeeeverything. this is so hard. i've never missed someone like this before. i've never felt this way before.

i'm really suprised i am how i am. which is good. really good, i've grown a lot. the life experiences i went through over the passed few years are shining through. i have been learning so much about life and myself. but i'd still do anything for you. i still love you.

i need an outlet.

everyone acts like i don't understand what's going on and that i'm taking everything so out of context. i'm not. at all. i'm being realistic and understanding, but i'm still angry and sad. and nothing is going to take away the fact that i miss you. and that's all there is to it. i'm not being overly dramatic, or sad, or whatever you want to call it. i just don't know what to say anymore and don't want to be around you.

i cant believe this is happening to me. ew.

DO NOT EVER DATE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

herecomesthelonliness

i couldn't handle it.
i completely lost it.
i don't know if i can do this.

i just felt like such a follower. fuck that. theres no us anymore. not even a little. it feels completely faded. i just felt like i was following you around and you didnt want me. so i stopped. and then i was lost. it was like i was a giant among millions of ants who already had found their home. and i didn't know which one was mine. i went to the bathroom and cried. and then i just couldn't stay in school anymore. so i cried some more when my mom came. and then i went home. and showered and slept. but the bottom line is that i just broke down, in public. in school. i don't want to be this weak girl who gets like that. i need to stand on my own. it's always me who's knees buckle. the other person is always fine. i'm such an emotional mess. i can't concentrate. i don't understand how it just seems to not affect you as much when it's killing me inside. the world i had built for myself and the people in it, it seemed secure. nothing is secure. nothing is as real as you think it is. nothing gives and nothing stays. everything just rots eventually. goes stale. i feel pathetic. i feel small. i feel unwanted. i want to feel like a confident girl who has friends, who isn't lost, who doesn't have to keep wandering. but i stop myself and i don't know how to just feel at ease with anything at all. i can't wait to get away from here. i need to start over and stop living in this repeated cycle. i need new surroundings and new people who bring out different sides of me. i can't do this. i'm so scared. i'm so small. i'm so alone. i just want to be with you and be happy with you and kiss you and kiss your ears and feel your skin. this sucks. and nothing takes away the pain. nothing makes it go away. i don't know what to do.

and no matter how close people pay attention, noone has paid enough attention to proove me wrong and point out what i thought you would. guess that just prooves a point. and if nooone gets it, then it's all for me