i'm breaking. nothing comes at the right time. there is no time. i was just feeling happy. i was just feel comfortable in my skin. now theres more to deal with. more to supress. more to feel. more more more. i dont know how to deal with this anymore. i can't do this. i dont want to talk to anyone. i dont want to feel. i dont want to live. i dont care about you. i dont care about eating. i don't care about anything. im lying. if i didnt care i wouldn't be feeling this. typing this. what the fuck. i have so many walls. i'm losing what it takes to have enough faith in someone to put them down. theres always a point where everythng stops.

i was fucking happy.
i thought i was strong enough to keep it.

i'm tired of this life. i'm tired of this skin. i want out. i feel incredibly low. this is the first time in my whole life i have never been able to get out of a mood or to hide it. it's scaring me. i'm scaring myself. i need help. i need something. i need to stop. i'm afraid. i dont know. i dont know. i'm sorry. i hate you. i can't do this. fuck. i'm falling apart. im sorry.

I STATEMENTS

i stopped being excited.
i'm leaving in an hour. fuck leaving in an hour. fuck leaving.
i dont want to go into this feeling this way.
i dont want to have to share.
i don't want to feel alone and i know i'm going to.
i dont want to have to feel like i'm trying so hard.
i don't want to try anymore.

I DONT WANT TO GIVE A FUCK.

i hate the way that i can feel so good one minute
and so fucking shitty the next. anger is a bitch.
you're all bitches.
i'm not even calling you to say goodbye
im not calling anyone this whole weekend.
you all can go figure out where the fuck i'm going, i've told you and quite frakly i don't give a shit whether you're worrying or not.
angry, angry, angry, madi.

i need a release. this doesn't even come close.
i need a passion.
i want to feel something that feels real without a second thought.
i want people to stop treating me like a baby and watching my every move just because i'm short.
i can handle my own, i'm not some dumb little shit.
yeah, i know you're trying to take care of me but it just feels annoying.
i dont need anyone to hold my hand, i can hold it myself thank you.

whatever.
i have to go pack and do my hair.
nothing i say is going to come close to explaining how i feel.
i know exactly what i need, but i have no idea where i'm gonna get it.

have a good mother fucking weeekend, you.
know why? becuase you fucking deserve it.

odd. i keep thinking lately about how there are so many kids of yourself and how hard it is know ever single side well.

i feel as if there are many different parts to me. it's why i can relate to so many different kinds of people so easily.
i like to read.
i like smart, intelegent people who know how to have a good conversation.
i like people who are people smart.
i like it when someone knows themselves.
i like it when you understand where the line is drawn.
and i like it when you know what side you're on.
i like to smoke weed.
i really like to smoke weed.
at concerts i want to go insane
jump up and down forever
sing at the top of my lungs
get lost in the music.
i need to do that.

i don't know how to feel.
i'm always going to feel numb to this.
it's so routine and i'm so over it.
doesnt even phaseeee me, ha.
i knew it was coming.

we only come out at night.
smashing pumpkins.

i haven't been in a mood like this is so long. i miss it, almost. things become so routine, sometimes.

i lied.

moods can change so quickly sometimes. fuck.
i hate thinking of shit that's wrong
but i hate trying to not think about it becuase i don't want to just push away what i'm feeling.
i dont know.

fuck this.
i wanna fuck shit up sometimes.
im crazy.

convention tomorrrrow and all weekend.
nothing is phasing me. fuck.
it'll be a good time though,



helllllllllllllllllllll yeahhhh

i'm not sure

i dont know how to feel. my mom & step dad got into a fight last night and my mom was being violent and drunk. and i didn't know what to do so i called the cops. and eventually they arrested her for the night and now she cant live or be in/around my house for two weeks.

i don't know how i feel. i don't even really feel anything. sure, last night i was crying. but when it comes down to it i feel numb. i'm not as angry as i could be or as sad or feeling much of anything. i just wish i had my own car because then i wouldn't even have to worry about anything at all.

yeah.

it's too hot in my room. i want to go back to sleep but i don't think i should.
blink 182 concert tonight. i feel somewhat bad i'm not that excited.

...
NOTHING EVER PHASES ME, seee.

oh well. i dont have anything to say and i don't have anything to really want. which is good, i guess. just sucks that situations likes these have to happen in the first place. but i guess it's what makes me who i am in the end.
whatever that means.

i took all my fake nails off. i feel much more like myself. i am a much more desirable and mysterious person. i like how it feels.

i feel so good.
i can't wait to go driving tomorrow.
i can't wait to see jesse & others (hopefully) on wednesday.
i can't wait for the concert on thursday.
i can't wait for RLTI this weekend.


i'm smiling a real, true, smile.
despite the fact that i look like a chip munk hahahah

last night i woke up to a text from kevin: "you really are a great person, madi".
that made me feel so so so good. just a simple text made me feel so much better for a whole 24 hours. thank you.

i guess i really suck at eating when i cant eat. i woke up at 8:30 this morning, went to rinse my mouth out, attempt to brush my teeth, and wash my face. halfway through i felt so dizzy and i knew i was gonna pass out. my vision got so blurry and i ran downstairs and literally shoved jello down my throat as fast as i could. it was scary. i don't even want to feel that way again. but anyways, so i guess i'm not really in that much pain. it's the worst in the mornings because it's hard to open my mouth wide to get food into it and because my pain meds have worn off, it hurts. boo. i'm healing though so yay.

i havent don't much of anything this weekend but i had a great night tonight. i had good conversations with everyone i was taking to. i love that. it made me feel good catching up with angie and just getting closer with people in general. i have seen such a change in myself this summer. trusthfully, i didn't think i would change at all. but i'm really growing into my own skin and discovering myself. it's a great feeling. i'm a lot more confident in my abilities and i don't doubt myself as much. nothing is ever as hard as it seems, i just gotta put some elbow grease into it.

i can't wait to drive. there are so many people i want to go to lunch and dinner with and have sleepovers with and see. it's going to be so good for me to drive. i know it. i'm going to flourish so much once i get my lisence. by then ill have a job and with a job ill have money. and with money i can pay for all the things my mother won't pay for. and it will be a nice feeling because i will really be LIVING the way i want to live and i won't feel as restricted. i'm so so so excited.

lately i've been having little random thoughts about what i want my house to look like when i eventually have one. the kind of bath tub i want. what i want my back yard to have in it. the way i'm going to raise my children. the first time i ever really had thoughts like that, they were influenced by something and by someone. but now everything is just coming becuase it's ME. i really enjoy being single and being by myself. i always thought it was such a funny concept how i could love spending so much time with myself, alone, with someone i didn't like that much. but looking back at me thinking that, i realized that i only felt that way because eventually i would have to end up here. and now i don't feel that way anymore. instead, i love being by myself, with myself, within myself, because i love myself. i do. there are times when i still feel so hopeless. but the majority of the time i've been feeling great. i havent rushed myself. i've been so patient with this whole process of learning to trust and learning to feed and give and share. and i've prooven myself wrong so many times. i thought i'd never be here. i've come so far. it's a wonderful feeling and i have so many places to go and so many people to see.i want to do so many things. i couldn't do them all this summer but i will, eventually. i'm going to keep adding and adding to my list. it's going to be amazing.

i love living and smiling and sharing random theories with random strangers as well as random smiles. and i love question & answer sessions and two people when there both high and theyre bth ranting to eachother about the same thing because they want the same thing. and i love how everyone understand everyone else, even if a little bit in some way. i love this day and this night and right now, i love this life.

i love everything about you

HOW COME EVERYONE ELSE IS ABLE TO LOVE THEIR FUCKING LIFE EXCEPT FOR ME

last night was one of the most random fucking nights and one of the first adventures i've taken in a very long time.

i am so much different.


hello world.

randoms

1. i really believe that every single Kevin i know is incredibly cute, sexy, or just overall easy to look at. i have yet to be proven wrong.

2. i slept too much today. i hope i'm not sick.

3. my body hurts everywhere. i really am out of shape.

4. nowhere really fucking fast.

5. i know you're eventually going to read this and i want to let you know that you make me smile. yeah, YOU.

6. i love on demand.

7. goodnight.

8. if you're still debating whether of not that you is for you, it is.

i'm actually really happy. i've just had a bad night, to fill you in.

I hate it. i don't understand how you can be such an asshole.
I just want to get to know someone.
it's one thing to see people everyday for 180 days of the year.
it's another to know what makes them tick. not even. i don't think it's much to ask, but apparently you do.
I don't need that.

There are no songs to sum up how i feel.
Saturnine does a good job though. Billy Corgan is a goddamn genius.
I wish i was blank. that'd be wonderful.

I hate that i make myself look like an idiot. I sit there trying to tell you how much i care. That i'd like to see your face, know you're alive. SHOW YOU. but i get an "okay" as an answer when i try. so fuck that. i'm tired of trying. if you want to be my friend, then you do it. i've tried but i'm done now. you'll never fucking notice.

the people that i always have wanted to talk to, but never knwo what to say, end up talking to me. i likethat. a lot. it's a nice feeling.

I'm not really sure if i miss you. I do but i don't. it's different. I wonder if the way i feel is how you feel after years of marriage. After you've been through days of hair in the shower, on the soap, of snoring. but it's not a bad thing. you don't hate it. you embrace it because that's comfort. but over time things lose that edge. or do they not? i don't know how unconditional true love feels.

I love night time so much. I don't like night time when I feel lonely. Hollow, even. isn't that funny? probably not. everything is a mindset. i wish there were arrows i could insert right after each paragraph i write. that'd be cool. i'd like that.

i love my ear. the way the piercing looks near my face is just so sexy, in my opinion. i like feeling sexy. i like when other people are sexy too. girls are sexy. i understand why guys are so horny. if i was a guy, i'd be the same way. hell, i am that way. who i am kidding. i want to make love.

meh. i could write all day. i could write about nothing all day. i don't feel like writing anymore.
goodnight, whoever you are. sweet dreams.

growing tired of water all the time, you quench my heart & quench my mind

blank

i wish i was blank. i wish i was blank. i wish i could thank. i wish i was blank. i'd write a letter to you and there'd be nothing to it. i wouldn't hem and haw on just how to start it. i wish i was blank. i wish i was blank. i wish i could thank. i wish i was blank. i wish i'd stand up straight. i wish i'd said things different. i wish i'd said nothing. things would be so perfect. wish myself to keep. i pray my soul to sleep. i wish myself away. i wish i was blank.