just searching for something
anything
that will behead myself
for the night.

One time I was so drunk I passed out one the bigger of the two mcdonalds womens bathroom stalls at PSU.

Why dont I ever feel happy with anything I do or accomplish? What is it going to take to make me feel like I am enough?

I'm so tired of having constant anxiety but yet it is so normal that I forgot other people don't feel this way on a consistent basis.

EVERYTHING I AM IS OKAY

I love the heavy buzz of an electric guitar. Most times it feels like the only thing that could come close to beheading me, yet it sends shivers down my spine.

Mindset is malleable though, even after years of seemingly apparent solidification.

What is the psychology behind me always liking older guys that I cant have?

Does the fact that I consider my thoughts now about self acrualoxation when before i considered them part of an existential crisis say something?

I think amongst all the thoughts i've had, one of the scariest is missing the feeling of driving tipsy. why?

I wonder if I will ever find what is missing.
But how can I find it when I don't know what that is?

I am attracted to my manager and it's kind of weird. I accidently looked at his package today, really quickly in passing, and I think he noticed but didn't say anything. He jokes around a lot and that's fine because it makes for a fun atmosphere, but I think because i'm not the most joking person it may seem flirtatious to me. It isn't flirtatious though because he is married with a child on the way. And yet again I am left being attracted to another older man with facial hair who I cannot have. Why does this happen?!